Broken pieces
by GwtwFanWriter
Summary: Scarlett tries to discover herself and somehow win back Rhett.
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1**

Scarlett sat under the cool shade of a large oak tree, her green eyes gazing at the winding red furrows of Tara. Tara! The dearest of places, her refuge, her comfort. How she had slaved and toiled to keep it safe from the Yankees!

Scarlett bit back some tears.

It seemed that she could no longer think about the Yankees or recall any memory from the past for that matter without thinking about Rhett!.

It had been months now and Rhett hadn't come, not even once to see her or the children. There had been balls and parties and she had written so many letters. But it came to no avail. Rhett seemed to have vanished. And the more Scarlett stayed at Tara, the more she felt buried and alone.

Frankness. That was what Rhett said he admired in a woman, In anyone. And Scarlett was finally forced to look at herself in an honest light. Everything she ever strode for, fought for, lived for- before, during and after the war was for hopes of securing Ashley's love. And now that Ashley was free and might finally love her in return, she did not want him. Scarlett finally realized that Ashley never really loved her for who she really was and merely lusted after her.

Love, pure, tender love- what a wonderful thing love was! How filling, how satisfying!

Rhett had loved her all along! But it had been his contempt that had put Scarlett off right from the start!

The way he grinned at her in a wolfish manner, correctly judging that she was coarse, earthy and passionate as himself. That contemptuous glance when she tried to sound and act ladylike and failed miserably. And finally that pitying glance when he said that she was still a child and didn't understand much about people.

Scarlett was now forced to admit the truth.

On one end, she saw her mother, earnestly beckoning her to be kind, gentle, generous and good. To become "Lady Bountiful". Mother was Tara.

And on the other end, she saw Rhett, leering at her pointedly. Rhett, reminding her that she was a rascal, a selfish, little rouge, brash, lively and new as New Orleans.

And Scarlett was somewhere in the middle. She belonged neither here nor there. She felt torn, confused and depressed.

But Scarlett could finally understand why Rhett had been contemptuous. He had been contemptuous of her hypocrisy. Her absolute denial of her own personality which was so similar to his. She had stayed proud and haughty for too long, neglecting Rhett in her pursuit of Ashley.

As Scarlett stood lost in contemplation, Beatrice Tarleton alighted from her horse and walked up to her side.

"Cheer up, Scarlett" she said, giving Scarlett's waist a little squeeze. "I saw you walking across your Father's land with that sad, brooding look on your face that it tears me apart. I should know, I've lost four children-"

Scarlett realized that Mrs. Tarleton was referring to Bonnie and bent down her face, quietly.

"There! There. But count your blessings. Two fine children to care for, a large estate in town and Tara, as fine as ever!"

"Tara is only a farm now" replied Scarlett, glumly.

"You might have lost it, child. Think of the hard work you did to keep it from falling into the hands of the Yankees. Bending down in the sun to pick cotton, running the house, buying seed and planting more crops-"

"Yes" replied Scarlett, dazedly.

"It was a man's work, but you did it all, Scarlett. Tara is something to be proud of!"

"Can't think why I did it" blurted Scarlett. Her lips trembled. "Oh I don't mean I hate Tara. I mean, why did I ever work so hard, support everyone when I was so afraid. What was I thinking when I decided to support the Wilkeses- Rhett was the only one who understood that I was taking on more than I could handle-"

"But you've always been that way, haven't you?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, the daughter of an Irishman, toiling for her land isn't at all surprising. If you ask me, it was your Mother who was too gentle and ladylike to belong to Tara-"

"Yes" agreed Scarlett, eagerly. "Don't you see, Mother was too kind and gentle. That's why I had to be strong. I had to watch Father- I even carried drinks to the field-hands as a child-"

A dim, hazy look stole over Scarlett's green eyes and Mrs. Tarleton decided not to disturb her anymore. Scarlett was lost in her thoughts. She wanted to tenderly place Rhett's head on her lap and run her fingers through his hair and tell him how much she loved him. She wanted to be kind and warm - engage him in romantic conversation, take genuine interest in his life, his goals and fears and dreams. She wanted to squeeze his hand as they walked down the streets, lay her head on his shoulder-

But it was impossible. A furious red blush swept over her face. She felt ashamed. She simply didn't know how to be so very tender and affectionate. She had never been that way at all! And she never realized that this would be such a problem until now.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

Some nights when Scarlett woke up, crying and afraid from her nightmares of running through the engulfing mist, she kept a small bottle of brandy and a glass at the bottom shelf of her cabinet. She kept a lamp by her side which she could quickly light up and some mild perfume in a handkerchief. She learnt how to soothe herself back to sleep.

But as time stretched on in Tara, Scarlett began to give up her own contempt and began to see others in their own light. Suellen's fussiness and anxiety over being socially admired and loved no longer irritated her. Wade's cautiousness and silence didn't annoy her any more than Ella's flightiness. Although her own heart was weighed down heavily by sadness and loneliness, Scarlett found that lessening her contempt for others made her circumstances more tolerable.

* * *

Another month went by when one day, as Scarlett walked about her room, she heard Suellen talking in muted excitement. At first Scarlett could hardly believe her ears when she heard Rhett's voice answering in return. "It couldn't be him!" she cried, rushing frantically to the window and staring out at the decorative coach that stood by the new driveway. "But it is!"

Scarlett's heart leapt for joy. Rhett had returned! Just as he promised!.

She quickly hastened to the mirror and adjusted her hair and dress. She carelessly flung on some perfume and patted rouge into her skin. Then as she stumbled to the stairs, she heard Suellen's voice,

"I'm so glad you came when you did, Rhett. We couldn't bear Scarlett mopping and brooding about Tara all these months!"

A soft guffaw in return froze Scarlett in her tracks. She knew that laugh so well. A hot flush of resentment filled Scarlett from head to toe as she imagined Rhett laughing over her neediness. Oh Suellen was such a silly goose for spoiling everything like this! Now she, Scarlett could not walk down there with a shred of dignity. Rhett would look at her in that all-knowing gaze and she would feel utterly ashamed.

Then as quickly as resentment had flourished, it also faded away.

Now that Ashley was gone, Scarlett saw Rhett's contempt as a way of distancing himself from her. A way of protecting his own heart. She knew this because she did the same with her own contempt. So, if they were to be closer, this would be the first thing to go!

Slowly and assertively, she descended the stairs, a smile forming on her lips as her green eyes fluttered from Suellen to Rhett. "Don't encourage him, Suellen" she said laughingly. "Rhett might feel all the more superior for deserting me the way he did-"

"Hello, Scarlett" said Rhett, his old grin back on his swarthy brown face. "I see you are as dramatic as ever. And if I had been contemptuous, it was only because you were incapable of finer feelings. And I see you haven't changed in that quarter. However, you have done your hair differently and it suits you very well. I am glad to see you looking fine and happy."

"I am not happy" snapped Scarlett, not caring who was listening in on the conversation.

Rhett looked up and Suellen quickly left the room. "The children won't be home for another hour, why don't we take a walk around Tara?"

* * *

They took a long walk around the red mounds of the large cotton plantation. Fluffly white cotton was already dancing in the breeze and a few blacks were bending over and working under the hot sun.

"Tara is a fine plantation" said Rhett, his black eyes gazing seriously at the lines of cotton. "I am glad you were able to save it after the war."

Scarlett studied his face. There was so trace of insincerity or superiority. Rhett was still speaking to her, as how one human being speaks to another.

"I love Tara" said Scarlett, shortly. "When I come here, the sights, even the smells are so dear to me." She stopped walking and turned to face Rhett. "Rhett, why didn't you answer any one of my letters. I had missed you so-"

"I didn't want to give you any hope."

"Then you still don't love me?"

"No."

Scarlett's lips trembled and she bent her head. "Don't you think its unfair, Rhett? First you treated with me with so much contempt and criticism and then you expected me to give up all my defenses and fall in love with you. Is that any way to treat someone you love or once loved?"

Rhett sighed softly. "My dear, if I had treated you with contempt it was only because of your hypocrisy. I hated the South and all its falsehood and you seemed to me the very flower of hypocrisy. But its no use raking the forgotten past. Lets not reopen wounds and rub salt in them- I shall not treat you with contempt now."

"Then" replied Scarlett, her eyes wet with tears. "Do kiss me, Rhett."

She felt his arms snaking up her waist and shoulders, pulling her towards himself as his warm lips gently touched hers. He began to kiss her gently and then with familiar passion, parting her lips and inspiring a hot tide of feeling in her. Scarlett's arms willingly wrapped around his neck and she returned his kisses with equal passion. When he pulled away, she whispered, "Rhett, I love you so much. I am capable of finer feelings, I truly am. You've never given me a chance-"

"Live your life, Scarlett. Ours is over. You don't have to prove anything to me anymore."

Just then they both turned as they heard wild hoops and Wade and Ella rush over to greet Rhett.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

Rhett would not allow Scarlett to resume talking about the matters between them at all and instead devoted all his time to playing and entertaining the children. It was a merry party of three that set off down the countryside on horseback to visit the nearby creeks and lakes. Scarlett stayed behind to plan out her campaign.

It was only when Rhett walked out with his suitcase to his coach to return to Atlanta that Scarlett could finally have him to herself once more. She grabbed his arm and continued,

"Rhett, at least do have some compassion for me-"

"Compassion?" retorted Rhett, amused.

"Yes" said Scarlett, earnestly. "You..you know I haven't the least tolerance for the foolishness of others and I have the most violent temper- And when you first eavesdropped on that conversation between me and Ashley, you must have realized that I was after love. Even if it was something I made up in my head. And here I am afraid of appearing like a silly goose for throwing myself at a Ashley's feet when he wouldn't have me at all and you appeared out of the blue, teasing me for those very things I was ashamed of. You knew I loved to dance but you paid for my hand at the Atlanta Ball out of sheer contempt. And I couldn't refuse because widowhood was driving me crazy!

"Those moments are some of my best memories, Scarlett" said Rhett, reminiscently. "I'll never forget how happy you looked and how utterly vivacious and beautiful."

"Yes but I was put off by your baiting words and teasing. And when you laughed at me, I could do nothing but retaliate in the same way- I know I said some very hurting words and I wish I could make it all better but I don't know what to do. I really do love you, Rhett. Even when I wanted to kiss you, you made me feel as if I wasn't charming at all and that you were kissing me out of kindness-"

"Oh Scarlett" chuckled Rhett, softly. "You really must learnt to laugh at yourself-"

"I've never done that. Can't you spare some compassion for me?"

"No" came the swift reply. "Now if you don't mind, I'd like to reach Atlanta by nightfall-"

Rhett began walking to the coach and put one foot inside.

Scarlett stared at him desperately. Then she bit her lip and decided to take the chance. "How is Belle?" she called, making sure she was out of earshot of the rest of the family. Rhett instantly froze in his tracks and turned around. "Very well" he replied, in a mixture of amusement and curiosity. "Why do you ask?"

Scarlett shrugged her shoulders lightly. "I was thinking over what you had said. Poor Belle. Loving you utterly and completely and thinking of you as a fine gentleman when you wouldn't love her in return-"

Rhett frowned. His swarthy brown face blackened. "I recall calling myself a swine for using Belle the way I did. Can't you just let things be?"

"Bonnie loved you and so did Belle. I searched for love with Ashley and you whole heartedly tried to drive a wedge between me and him. And finally I found out Ashley never loved me at all. Now, I have no one. But you still have Belle."

Rhett hesitated. "Scarlett, everything is over between me and Belle. She's closed down her business and gone to be with her son-"

"Yes but-" Scarlett smiled. "When you see her, I am sure she will look at you with her heart in her eyes. No man can resist a woman who is in love with him-"

"So?"

"It must be wonderful - to be loved like that- even if she is an illiterate whore-"

Rhett set down his suitcase and looked grave. "Scarlett, what do you want from me? I have warned you before that I am a monster of selfishness. I detract nothing."

"Take me with you, please!"


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

"Let me find myself-" continued Scarlett, her green eyes gazing pleadingly at Rhett. "If you leave again, I shan't know what to do with myself. Rhett, you must care. You must!"

"We've been through this before, Scarlett" sighed Rhett. "I've told you that I've reached the end of roaming. I wish I could care. But I can't-"

"You sound as if caring for me is beyond your capacity-" retorted Scarlett, accusingly.

"Exactly! If you want to come with me, then you have to do the work yourself. Mere companionship is all I have to offer. You can travel with me if you like but your fears, your wishes, your dreams.. are yours and yours alone. I cannot care about you as I once did before!"

Tears brimmed Scarlett's eyes once again. Rhett's drawling words though spoken lightly were cold and harsh. There was no hope.. not even the dimmest glimmer of hope. Then she steeled herself. "Allright, Rhett. I won't ask you to care for me anymore if it is so unacceptable to you. Only let me come with you and be near you. Oh darling, I could have made you so happy.. now that I know I love you." She wiped her eyes with her handkerchief. "Are you going to Charleston?"

Rhett turned to the coachman to give some instructions. He looked at her distractedly. "How long will it take for you to get ready?"

"I can get my things right away" cried Scarlett, eagerly.

"Give us one hour." said Rhett to the man and watched as the coach drew further down the driveway. When he turned to Scarlett he had an amused look on his face. "Allright Scarlett, if this means that much to you-"

"Oh Rhett, it means everything to me!" smiled Scarlett through tears of relief.

"Then let me make a few things clear, my love. First of all, you may accompany me if you like. But my social circle is not for you to share-"

"Rhett, how can you be so silly-" cried Scarlett, annoyed. "We are still husband and wife, aren't we-"

"No, Scarlett. These are my conditions and you will abide by them. I want peace. I've seen your circles my dear and I despise cheap manners and poor taste-"

Scarlett glowered in silence.

"And the next thing. We are not sharing a bedroom."

Scarlett opened her mouth in anger once again but Rhett continued,

"I am serious, Scarlett. Where ever we travel, you and I shall sleep in separate rooms-"

"People will gossip-"

"I leave you to deal with the explanations"

A hot blush spread over Scarlett's cheeks. "You must be joking. The way you kissed me just now-"

"That's why I don't want more of it-"

"Oh!"

"Now, madam- do you still want to come with me?"

Scarlett stared at Rhett not knowing how to read the blackness of his eyes or the expression on his face. Five years of marriage and he was very much a mystery to her.

She took a deep breath and said, "Yes."


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

It was a long, rather tiring trip to Charleston. With Wade safely deposited in school and Ella beside her with her brand new porcelain doll, Scarlett could finally lean back and rest her mind at ease. Rhett had gone further down the ship to talk to an old friend.

"Its so strange" thought Scarlett, smiling to herself. She tried to gather her early impressions and memories of her Charleston visits. She remembered feeling very bored, almost dead in the society of her Aunts, Pauline and Eulalie. Charleston was so fastidious. Charleston, where everyone looked down on her Irish lineage. But oddly, Charleston did not seem like that now. It was Rhett's hometown. Rhett's!

Scarlett blushed inwardly. Oh, what a mistake she had made! Charleston was a dear old place, full of good times with friends and family. Like Rhett, she too longed for the old days, the slow charm of the life lived by traditional Southern families. She pictured Rhett, looking sour and hopeless as he rode across the countryside, longing for his dead daughter and perhaps his wife who had neglected him for too long. Yes, Rhett was like that. She could see it in his face. Rhett was taking shelter in Charleston and it was upto Scarlett to make him see that he was much more than all of what Charleston had to offer!.

She closed her eyes and pictured Rhett in her mind. Where once the memories of Ashley's sweet, weary face appeared, there now appeared the bold, swarthy brown face of Rhett Butler. The jet black luxurious hair replaced the sun kissed golden top of Ashley and black, dancing eyes took the place of pale, gray ones.

And when he kissed her at Tara- Oh, he did still love her! She knew it. Rhett couldn't kiss her like that without any feeling.

Scarlett was indeed quickly transferring her affections from Ashley to Rhett.

* * *

On the way to the Butler's residence on the Battery, Scarlett sweetly turned to Rhett and dropping her voice said,

"Rhett, I know that I've gone through the considerable length of mourning for Melanie and little Bonnie.. I mean, "our idea" of the proper mourning period. But I think your family might think it improper for me to don my regular dresses so soon. I've packed my black mourning dress and as soon as we go into the house, I'll go upstairs and change right away."

"You may do as you please, my love" said Rhett, distractedly.

Scarlett smiled in satisfaction. Rhett must have noticed that she was sacrificing her natural inclinations and donning black for the sake of his family. He may pretend not to care but deep down, he must be surprised at her new sacrificing nature. And soon.. with a few more thoughtful ideas like this and Rhett might realize that she was well and truly changed and fall in love with her again.

"Rhett, we must visit my Aunts. And then Careen is in the convent here. I simply must visit her! I do think Charleston is a charming place. Perhaps not as exciting as New Orleans or new like Atlanta. But Charleston isn't so bad. I might like to build a nice little stucco house and live here. I think Wade might like it too!"

"Don't get too comfortable, Scarlett"


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

Scarlett briskly set about portraying herself as the charming, defenseless Mrs. Butler who had been through a great many trials saving her father's plantation and then fought hard to make the best of things with her store and mills. She carelessly admitted that stepping into trade was a big mistake and that she had grown wiser out of her ordeals. She did this because she knew that the wagging tongues of the worthy matrons of Atlanta would have spread various scandalous stories of her misadventures even to the borders of Charleston! But Scarlett took care not to appear arrogant or defensive. Instead she was innocence itself. Soft, tender-hearted and making a valiant effort against all odds to regain the name she had lost amongst Atlanta society.

Scarlett set her sights on Rosemary. She knew she had to cultivate a deeply sympathetic and understanding relationship with Rhett's only sister if she were to succeed in claiming Rhett's heart. So, she timidly and cautiously hinted to Rosemary that she would like to unburden her heart as she had no sister to turn to at the moment. And as Rosemary lent a receptive ear, Scarlett used all the charms in her power to confide in her, so trustingly, so childlike that she instantly won Rosemary's loyalty. Scarlett spoke of Bonnie's death and Melanie's demise. She detailed her concern for Rhett's health and expressed her desire more than once to stay beside him permanently. When Scarlett felt upset, Rosemary comforted her. When Scarlett doubted herself, Rosemary chided and cheered her on.

Yes, Rosemary was most satisfactory.

Scarlett was happy because it was the first time she had succeeded in charming one of her own gender.

* * *

Scarlett wore her severe black mourning gown so gravely and so regally that she won the hearts of most of the family's immediate acquaintances through the course of the month. Rhett watched it all with a distinct lack of interest. He paid no attention to Scarlett and did everything he could to stay out of her way. To Ella, he gave genuine interest, observing and feeling the little girl's loneliness acutely. Ella was growing less flighty and more aloof by the day. She was bewildered by her mother's changing temper and while she was not afraid of mother. she was starting to lose hope that she would ever receive any warmth of affection from her.

* * *

Scarlett was so sweet nowadays and so even tempered that she convinced herself that she had well and truly changed. That is, until the day came when she learned that Rhett had left for London without telling her any details of his trip. Scarlett raged and fumed in her room.

She was about to send for supper in her room instead of going to the dining hall when she heard a coach pulling down the driveway. Some distant cousins of the Butlers were expected that day and it had to be them arriving at this late hour. Rosemary had described them very well to Scarlett. The girl was a very lovely person. Scarlett could only remember her maiden name - Caroline and the man was Preston something or other. They were newly married and it had been a wonderful courtship and wedding.

When sounds of laughter and good humored voices rose intermingled to her ears, Scarlett's curiousity got the better of her and she slowly made her way downstairs.

Little did she realize that her entire views on romance were about to change so drastically.


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

Scarlett had always meant to be kind to Rhett ever since Melanie made the request on her deathbed. But she had to admit to herself that although her intentions were to be kind, she didn't exactly know how. When the time came, her instincts from Gerald always took over, making her sound impulsive and tempestuous and not composed and romantic as she wanted to be. But when she started watching Caro and Pres, Scarlett thanked God several times for another chance at learning how to be kind and thoughtful.

She remembered that afternoon at Twelve Oaks. She remembered how Ashley and Melanie were talking so earnestly about Keats and how she, Scarlett had laughed to herself about Melanie's silly notions of attractiveness. She had concluded hastily that Melanie must have been an awful bore to Ashley but now- Oh, how could she have been so wrong! And when she read their letters- Ashley telling Melanie about his fears, his experiences at various camps and hardships- Now, Scarlett could understand that there was true intimacy hidden somewhere between those ordinary lines. A letter didn't have to be littered with flattering comments and dramatic endearments to be romantic at all! Romance was in the ordinary things.

This she learned in Rhett's absence. In fact, she was thankful for Rhett's absence. Now she could learn things for herself and impress him on his return.

* * *

Caroline was not like Melanie Wilkes although her face bore the same gentle expression of honesty and sweetness. She dressed herself in chic clothes that flattered her figure. Her hair was done up in one of the latest styles and she wore the smartest bonnets, ones that even Rhett would approve of. Scarlett was impressed at first by her appearance. Caro's dresses were clearly not as expensive or gaudy as Scarlett's but they were more or less, the latest fashion. Her manners were very pleasing and she chatted quite gaily. That is, until Pres walked into the room.

They matched each other - Caro and Pres- almost as if they were in a dance. When one talked, the other listened. When one asked a favor, the other mostly complied or politely refused. They complimented one another and were so relaxed and happy in each other's company. Scarlett found these dynamics extremely interesting. She never noticed it before between Melanie and Ashley. She was so busy impressing Ashley that she had noticed nothing else. But now she saw the fullness of the smiles that Caro often diverted in Pres's direction and his hand gently pressing into hers as he passed by her. Scarlett argued that she herself possessed the same charm but till now she had always used it to get her own way. Caro wasn't mesmerizingly charming as Scarlett could be. But she had a lovely mix of honest and gentility - a slow charm, just like the old days.

Scarlett remembered the time when she had hardly paid any attention or taken the pains to understand Rhett's character during their honeymoon in New Orleans. She recollected their fights which were highly one-sided and unevenly matched, herself being the sour loser. Rhett's sardonic smiles and her cold, aloofness-

But all that was going to change.

And Scarlett wanted the same Caro and Pres romance for herself and Rhett.

She knew she could make Rhett fall in love with her once again. And this time she really knew how.

And she was determined to try.


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

It turned out that Rhett's father hadn't left the family entirely desolate after his demise. The Butlers had land which lay neglected, half-swallowed by the swamp and the surrounding pine forests. The wasted area was only referred to as "the land" by the family during their conversations. No one took much interest since orginally Rhett, being the eldest was supposed to own the land. But because of the rift between father and son, there existed a vague confusion as to how the land must be restored, if restored at all. Scarlett learned that Rhett had hinted at dividing the place into three and share it with his brother and sister and sell his own portion. It was this land that Scarlett planned to build her stucco house with wrought iron work. A white stucco house, tasteful and elegant abode. Yes, that is what Rhett had wanted. And she had been so obstinate then! But now, she would yeild to his wishes easily and respectfully.

Scarlett stayed close to Rosemary for a few days and casually brought of the subject of land restoration. Rosemary looked surprised at first but she spoke readily enough. Yes, she wanted to build a small place for herself on her share of the land. Yes, Rhett had already suggested laying the foundations. A small place with a row of shacks where the hired hands could stay, clear the land and raise crops-

Scarlett soon found out that Rosemary was extremely vague regarding the practical matters of building a farm house. She didn't know the name of the builders and she had no idea about the laborers or their wages. She did not see the contracts nor did she care to. She found everything entirely vexing and was hoping to leave the whole thing up to Rhett.

Once Scarlett realized that Rosemary was ignorant and neglectful regarding the developments on the family property, she began hatching plans to combine contracts and lay the foundation for her own house in Rhett's portion of the land. She sat down one evening beside Mrs. Butler and began to speak so businesslike and shrewd that the stately old lady was quite taken aback.

"But Scarlett, has Rhett spoken of this to you? Does he wish to build a house there? It is so far away from the Battery- I don't know,dear. You must write to him and get his consent."

"Oh, Rhett spoke to me so fondly about a great white stucco house that he would like to have built in Peachtree street, Atlanta. I didn't listen to him then but- after everything that's happened in that house- surely, you would understand-"

Here, Scarlett broke of and looked particularly tense and upset.

"Very well, Scarlett. If you are sure that Rhett wouldn't mind, then you may speak to the builders and see if they can do anything for your share of the land-"

Scarlett was overjoyed.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

Rhett returned from his sea voyage after nearly five months. His mouth was set in a grim line as he stepped into the Butler house. His brother's wife had written a very stern letter intimating him with every detail of Scarlett's handiwork and there were several glaring hints asking Rhett what he meant by building his house when nothing had been decided about partitioning the land. Ella came running up to hug Rhett and after a brief embrace he asked, "Where's your mother,Ella?"

"Mother's upstairs, Uncle Rhett. She'll be so surprised to see you-"

"I bet she will"

As he placed his foot on the lowermost step, Mrs. Butler called out to him from the parlor. "Rhett, before you say a word to Scarlett, I must talk to you-"

Rhett reluctantly followed his mother to a private study.

* * *

"Rhett, your brother told me the letter that Anne had sent you regarding everything that happened here after you went on your trip. But what you haven't heard is that Scarlett did ask me for my consent before she went on ahead with her house building project-"

Rhett's hard-lined face, coarse and stern did not betray any readable expression. He coolly lit a cigarette and leaned back into his armchair.

"Now I know what you meant when you called that other girl a fool-"

"What other girl?"

"The one you took buggy riding. The one who started all the trouble in our family-" Mrs. Butler leaned forward in her seat. "Scarlett is no fool. She's very Irish - probably takes after old Mr. O' Hara. I knew him, you know. I knew him several years ago when he was courting Ellen Robillard. Theirs was a whirlwind marriage-"

"Don't you mean, a whirlwind romance?"

"No. I mean a whirlwind marriage. Coming to the point, Scarlett gave me a good reason for her intentions. She told me that she could no longer feel at home in her Peachtree manor because of the death of little Bonnie. And Rhett, I couldn't help thinking that she was indirectly talking about you-"

"Mother please-"

"I know I never opened the subject before, but you've been brooding in Charleston for nearly a year now. Bonnie Blue was a ray of sunshine and we all miss her-"

"I'd rather not talk about this."

"I don't want you to send Scarlett away."

Rhett's black eyes narrowed. "I'm afraid she must-"

"She's is trying to reach you, Rhett. If you spurn her affection, she might give up altogether. And she is so fiery and determined. Our people find her actions scandalous but I think she could do well here with your support-"

"She doesn't belong here" said Rhett, shortly.

"Rhett, I know that when Father was alive, I was powerless to guide you or even see you. But now, I must tell you this- you aren't the only one suffering under the tragedy of Bonnie's demise. You always tended to isolate yourself- put a wall around your heart. You must see that other's suffer from the same loneliness - we are only ordinary people in a sea of ordinary people and frailty is the essence of everything human-"

Rhett sighed. "If Scarlett is building herself a house, it is because she wants to, Mother. There is no noble sentiment behind her actions as you seem to think."

He kissed his Mother and left the study.


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10**

Rhett swiftly climbed the stairs and lingered for a moment outside Scarlett's door. He could hear her footsteps softly treading the carpeted floor. Taking a short breath, he knocked the door.

"Come in" beckoned the voice inside.

Rhett sauntered in, his hands in his pockets, looking extremely distant and cool. "Good evening, Mrs. Butler."

Scarlett whirled around and clasped her hands together. She was in the act of brushing her lovely black locks and with the brush mangled between her gripping fingers, her hair fell across her face and shoulders in large waves looking very becoming.

"Rhett!" she cried in surprise mixed with hurt for being the last to know that he was back in Charleston again and happiness for having a real chance at trying out her newly acquired skills in weaving romance back into their lives. She smiled demurely but not flirtingly. By pressing back the raging emotions in her head, and by viciously disciplining herself not to read the expression on Rhett's face, she managed to bring genuine affection in her words. "Oh darling, when did you arrive? I didn't know-"

"Just now" cut in Rhett, his eyes boring into Scarlett's face with a queer light in them. To Scarlett, it seemed as if he was waiting for something to happen. As if he was very amused by certain turn of events and had thoroughly expected nothing else.

"Oh just now? If you haven't had a bite to eat, I'll ring for Bertie. She'll bring us some sandwiches and some coffee-" Scarlett moved quickly to the bell as she spoke. Rhett's eyes followed her across the room. When she came back, she found Rhett seated by the window and she sat down on the edge of her bed. "Rhett, how have you been? I missed you so much."

Scarlett observed her own manner and tone as she spoke and marveled on how composed and kind she sounded. Yes, she was doing very well indeed!

"I had to cut my trip short owing to a letter I received a fortnight ago. Perhaps you would like to read it?"

Scarlett took the small envelope that Rhett handed to her and began to read. And as she read, a hot blush spread across her face. She looked up, torn between the anxious and frantic need to explain herself and the desire to remain composed and collected. "Rhett, I can explain-"

Rhett remained silent and disinterested.

Scarlett continued hopefully, "Rhett, I know I didn't want a great white stucco house before but I do now. I started building this place so that when you came back, we could start a new life together here. Rhett, listen to me. I've changed. I know I have- I want to be with you. I'll be anything you want me to be-"

Rhett smiled. But it was a grim smile. "How many years, Scarlett?" he asked quietly.

"What do you mean?"

"For Ashley it was nine years after which you realized he wasn't the man for you. Now, how many years for me?"

Scarlett harnessed her temper and turbulent emotions with a marvelous effort. "Rhett, you know that's not true. You know that I love you-"


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11

Rhett's eyes conveyed no emotion. There was nothing in those black depths which stared back at her. "I've booked places for you and Ella for your trip back to Atlanta. The ship leaves this evening at six 'o' clock."

A spasm of pain twisted Scarlett's features. She stood up, wringing her hands in despair. "Rhett, please don't send me back. You told me it was all my fault that your love was worn out and now I am trying to fix things - to make things the way they should be. Why can't you understand-"

"My God, Scarlett- Don't try to sound so noble and sacrificing. It doesn't suit you one bit!"

Now tears brimmed Scarlett's emerald green eyes. "I spent the last five months, reading contracts, talking to your family, taking interest in your land, all for you! All for you, Rhett. I wanted the house to be finished. To stand tall and elegant, your own fine Southern home, nothing like the modern, flashy one I wanted before. I wanted you to see it and realize that I was changed now. That I am really trying to make a fresh start. But, you make me seem so selfish, as if I've come all this way just to torment you-" Scarlett bit her quivering lips and walked to Rhett's chair. "Can you see everything I've done for you and still say that you don't love me? I've worn the gowns you like, mingled with the best Southern families, shown everyone what I am capable of-"

Slowly that smile that she dreaded. That mocking, all-knowing smile that turned Scarlett's blood to ice stretched across Rhett's face. "I still stand by what I said years ago. I invested my money in Belle and she has managed her life and her things better than you could do with yours. You are nothing but a poor investment, my love. Look at you! You pushed Wade off to a school he doesn't even know about, dragged Ella all the way to Charleston and kept her lonely and miserable without her usual playmates or even familiar places and you've deluded yourself into thinking that you like Charleston. Are the streets so sacred now that I've trod on them? Is this house warm and inviting because I breathe the very air you breathe?"

Scarlett would not meet his eyes and her lips kept on quivering.

"Come come, Scarlett. It was the same way with Ashley wasn't it? Did you really want to save Melanie, support the Wilkeses in Tara and make Ashley run your damned mill? No! If you knew he never cared for you, you would have dropped his family like a hot rock. So, let me makes things easier for you, my dear- I do not care for you. Especially after this latest stunt you've pulled. Get back to what really belongs to you - Wade, Ella, that hideous house in Peachtree street and your Tara - work on them. There is nothing for you here in Charleston-"

Scarlett began to sob wholeheartedly. It was all over and she knew it. She rested her head on the nearby desk, her shoulders shaking.

Rhett sat unmoved, sipping his coffee as if nothing had happened.

After a long while, Scarlett whispered through her sobs, "I feel so tired"

She wiped her eyes and stared out the window. "All these months, I toiled so hard but all I could think of.. was Tara. I was thinking, if I could make you love me, then I would have to move to Charleston and I'd miss Tara so terribly. "

Rhett did not say a word.

Scarlett wearily turned to Rhett. "I kept telling myself, there is no man I couldn't ever get, if I could only set my mind upon him. But I'm so tired, Rhett. You think I liked chasing after Ashley- no.. I begged Ashley to take me away to Mexico where I could cook and clean for him. I wanted to get away from everything but he wouldn't. I carried heavy burdens, burdens that you very well know, drove me to drink- just so that I could get Ashley. Now if you really despise me that much, then I won't waste my time on you. I can't go through this- all this.. I am so tired."

Rhett still seemed unmoved.

"My mother as I told you before, she was kind, gentle and wise - everything I wasn't. And whenever I did something naughty, she could shame me to tears with just a glance. But, the only time I could ever attract her attention was when I caught a beau-" Scarlett was looking past Rhett now and remembering the old days. "Pa would get so proud of me- He'd say, 'Puss, there's no man you couldn't ever snag in three counties in Georgia- Mother would be pleased despite herself. And I'd keep bringing beaus to the house and getting presents and get fought over for dances- I think Mother loved me then- I was her little girl-"

Rhett sighed. "We all develop ways of thinking and acting to get affection, Scarlett. But as we grow older, we change. We learnt that we aren't the only ones in the world- We learn to care-"

"Rhett, you can teach me- I know you can!" stressed Scarlett, pleadingly.

"I would have" admitted Rhett, softly. "I would have made you play-"

"Play?"

"Yes, don't you see- you never played with your girlfriends. You told me so, yourself. You never had very many friends- you were so busy impressing and catching beaus. You never played and stayed uppity all your life."

"How could that make a difference?"

"It makes all the difference. You don't know anything about people-"

"Please let me stay, Rhett."

"No." said Rhett, rising to his feet. "Well, I guess this is goodbye. I'll come visit you later."

Scarlett grabbed Rhett's arm and cried. "I never understood you nor Ashley. I want to change, Rhett and you still walk out on me. I don't understand you at all-"

Suddenly Rhett's arm turned to steel. "Oh you want to understand me, eh?" he said, in a low, cutting tone which frightened Scarlett. "Well, then come with me. Perhaps I can finally convince you to leave me alone!"


	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter 12**

Rhett caught her by the arm and half-dragged her to his own room. He threw open the door and shoved her inside. As he lit the gas lamps, Scarlett could see a huge desk, the surface scattered with voluminous books and documents. She saw shelves upon shelves full of worn out books on history and literature, some on historical wars and strategies employed by various revolutionaries. Scarlett blinked in wonder and bewilderment.

"Did you ever wonder why I could quote literature or bring up anecdotes from various cultures across the world?" asked Rhett, sharply. "Take a good look, my dear."

"Why, you are just as well read as Ashley-" whispered Scarlett, in genuine surprise.

"These are some the notes that I have written out of the books I've read- Look at this- An entire collection of newspapers on our own pleasant little war-"

"But why?"

"That's the problem with you, Scarlett. You never go beyond your immediate comfort. You surround yourself with cheap luxuries and entertain fools who say how very clever you are and you are happy. Why indeed shouldn't a woman concern herself with knowing the news of the world? One day, you will find that something happening in the outer world connects with you."

"Like the Klu Klux Klan?"

"Perhaps-"

Scarlett felt a shiver running through her spine as she walked among columns of books stacked neatly on different shelves. She was remembering how many times she had put down Rhett as a fool and a low-down varmint. The voice kept echoing in her head, "Rhett's as well-read as Ashley.. Rhett's as well-read.." She struck her foot on a low table covered with a glass top underneath which were the currencies and antique items gathered from Rhett's travels to Cuba, England, Paris-

"Why haven't I seen these before?" demanded Scarlett, puzzled and oddly hurt.

"You never bothered to ask. All you were thinking of was Ashley-" came the swift reply.

Scarlett turned around and took in the room again. Rhett was a well-read man and he had also made many travels. Suddenly she felt very small indeed. All she had was her small world buried in Tara and all the education she had was her training at the Lafayette academy. No wonder Rhett teased her so often about her ignorance. She suddenly blushed when she remembered how confidently she had boasted about being a fine Robillard when Rhett had compared her to her Irish kinfolk. She edged towards the door when Rhett gripped her by the crook of her elbow and drew her to a display of pistols.

Her eyes fell on the large award dull with age hanging in the center from West Point confirming Rhett as a fine marksman. There was a small box of bullets underneath.

"What are these?" asked Scarlett.

"A few souvenirs from the men I've shot-"

"You stayed around to pick the bullets?" cried Scarlett, in a mix of disbelief and admiration.

"No. I took whenever I could. I couldn't be a successful blockader without keeping the crew under control-"

Scarlett's fingers trembled as she handled the case. Again she remembered how dangerous Rhett could be. "All right Rhett, I've seen enough, I-"

"No you haven't" cut in Rhett, rudely. "Get your bonnet and whatever else you need to make a trip-"

"Where are we going?"

"Get ready and wait for me out front. I'll be there with the coach terrectly-"


	13. Chapter 13

**Chapter 13**

Scarlett swayed lightly on her feet as she climbed aboard the Alexander, moored at Charleston port. The deck of the huge ship was shrouded in early evening darkness except for the stairway to the cabins which was dimly lit by a small lantern. The wind was strong. It blew around her ankles and threatened to send her flying into the waters below. Behind her, Rhett climbed aboard and whistled for the boatman to pick them up after an hour. Scarlett had never been on any of Rhett's old ships before.

"After I sold them, I thought they'd be lost forever. You know most of my ships were either sunk or stranded on a sandbar while the Union captured the crew and imprisoned them. But when the Alexander drew port a year back, I thought why not-"

"You bought back your ship?"

"Yes."

"I can't see much in the dark but I imagine it to be a majestic ship. Alexander sounds so powerful- It's Greek isn't it?"

"Yes it is" replied Rhett, shortly. "Now come with me-"

Rhett led her down the steps to the cabin hold and down long corridors until they entered the Captain's quarters. He opened the shelves of a simple mahogany desk and brought out a set of old playing cards. "My one souvenir from my days on the riverboat-"

Scarlett took them in her hands and she could imagine Rhett playing a shady hand, bluffing expertly and making sweeping victories. "This was all you knew when you were sent out of Charleston"

"Yes."

Suddenly the deck of cards on her hand seemed tragic. She remembered her own despair after the war when her mother had trained her to be a lady but nothing of her old manners and generosity mattered. She remembered thinking it might have been more useful if she had learnt to split rails and pick cotton. Then her eyes peered at Rhett, shunned by his own family and friends and having to fight his way in life, fight away hunger and fear- gambling on the riverboat-"

"Rhett, how did you learn all this? You must have felt very lonely-"

"Its a loneliness that you soon will know." came the sharp reply.

Scarlett fell silent. She was starting to feel the enormous strain Rhett must have underwent in order to become the man he was now. He knew the world. Knew it inside out. That's why he was so alive to everything, so earthy and coarse. He had seen it all-"

"Come here" beckoned Rhett, opening the door to the adjoining room to a sliver. The room was better lighted and there was a fashionable man sitting at the table and sipping champagne.

"Who is he? I thought only we were here on this ship?"

"I wont reveal his name but he is from a wealthy, aristocratic family. His father dabbles in politics and his mother is a worthy matron, much like one the old cats in Atlanta. He is sipping champagne and waiting for the evening light to fade and the night to come. After which, he will slip out of his fashionable attire and into one of the old cloaks you see, hanging on the wall and proceed to the farthest room on the left where a woman will be waiting for him."

Scarlett reeled back in disgust. "You keep women here too?"

Rhett smiled faintly. "She's not mine and I'm not keeping any woman here. This little er.. arrangement was made for his sake. That woman will leave before the break of dawn-"

"Is she onboard now?"

"Yes"

"I wish she wasn't here. I wish you wouldn't- Oh but, you'd never listen to me-"

"That's right-"

"That man looked like one of your friends in New Orleans."

"He has a wife and two children, aged three and eight-"

"Oh Rhett, how terrible!"

"My dear, most of the families you associated with, the ladies who had soft hands and talked gaily, the handsome witty men who loved to dance with you and admired your beauty. They are all involved in shady contracts, underhanded dealings, fraudulent money-scams and what-not."

They walked back on deck and stood by the rails. The wind swept Scarlett's hair and blew through her bonnet, sending pins flying and twisting out the carefully coiled curls. Her thick black locks danced over her face and played around her shoulders. She looked around in the darkness and shivered.

"Come down to the hold. There is something else I want you to see-"


	14. Chapter 14

**Chapter 14**

When Scarlett got back in the little boat with Rhett beside her, her head was in a daze. Rhett had shown her his ship's cargo and while crates and crates of raw materials for making fine dresses, delicate jewellery, various luxuries usually demanded by wealthy families had made an impression on her, it was Rhett's knowledge of the inner workings - how things should look like, feel like, taste like and smell or even sound like that astounded her- He had knowledge, deep knowledge that didn't come from books but from the rough life on the seas. And as he revealed his world to Scarlett, she could sense herself feeling more and more queer and alienated. There was nothing glamorous about Rhett now. His life was hard and difficult. Whenever he set out to have a good time, he usually did. But that was it. He diverted all his energies to trade and politics. Before, Rhett's manly stature had impressed Scarlett. Now, his tough and rich life did. But along with admiration, there set in an woeful fear of abandonment.

Rhett had been kind. He had been gentle. And he had gently explained to her that she was insignificant in his complete life.

Now, she felt lost and a new darkness awaited her.

When she looked up, she saw Rhett's eyes keenly staring at her.

"Rhett, why did you love me?" she asked, softly. "You are so different- why did you think that I could-"

"We were both selfish and unscrupulous, our ideas would shock our present Southern society-"

Scarlett's lips trembled but she said,

"I'll leave a day later. If I leave suddenly, your family might think something went wrong between us."

"Allright"

Scarlett smiled a watery smile to herself. "Now, I have nothing left but to go back and find out who or what I am-" Words failed her and she fell silent. She thought of Wade - her gold-haired, blue eyed boy, acting shy around her and yet having the courage to kill a water moccasin. She thought of Ella- her flighty daughter, growing up so quickly. Ella will soon have her own friends and beaus. Yes, she was growing up quickly and her face did sometimes bear Frank's patient weariness- She thought of Tara. She wanted to go home to Tara. But the thought scared her. She never thought she would go back to Tara without Rhett. She had been so confident of securing him.

"I'll.. I'll write to you if I need money, Rhett. And.. and I'm sure the children will miss you very much. You must visit us whenever you can-"

Rhett nodded once. Scarlett could not meet his eyes. Too many things were starting to make sense now.

And it frightened her.


	15. Chapter 15

**Chapter 15**

Scarlett was very quiet throughout her trip back to Atlanta. She was so quiet that even Ella seemed surprised and uncomfortable. She wondered what her mother was thinking about so quietly and so seriously. Little did she suspect that her confident, authoritative mother was actually afraid - very, very afraid.

It wasn't loneliness that Scarlett was afraid of. It was a dark, blank mist but this time there were no Yankees and no fears of starvation. She felt numb and confused. She never imagined that she would return without Rhett. She wished she could cry but somehow tears wouldn't come. Scarlett knew why - in a vague manner. She had too much sense to bawl out loud. After seeing how patiently and solidly Rhett had built his world, she knew she could not invade his limits. If she ever invaded them before it was only because he allowed her to. But now those doors were closed forever. An all-consuming, frantic terror crept upon her as she thought about this but she dismissed it as quickly as possible. No, she would not be conquered by this. Rhett leaving her was reality and she never could ignore reality. She never could. She had common sense.

Yes, that's where she was different. She had plenty of good, hard common sense.

And common sense told her that if Rhett could conquer his demons and build a life for himself, then she could do it too. And it made life seem suddenly challenging and oddly enough, interesting. But where was she to begin?

Scarlett leaned back in her seat and stared listlessly ahead.

"Oh Mother" she sighed, forlornly. "First your words on being a proper Southern lady let me down after the war and now your teachings on how to capture a man's heart have failed as well. Rhett has no use for a gentle, soft-spoken woman. He wants an intelligent companion, someone who can speak her mind and grasp what's truly important in life-"

Scarlett cast her mind back to when she displayed her vivacious, charming personality, paying careless compliments and flirting outrageously- all that was done only to capture men's attention and make them obey her every whim. She never actually was like that. She was more serious, intelligent and sharp. Yes, that was her true nature- the nature that her Mother never really approved of-"

* * *

When Scarlett and Ella arrived at Atlanta, they stayed for a month at Aunt Pitty's house. Pittypat had already written several tearful letters, imploring Scarlett to keep her company while India was away on a short trip to visit other Wilkses. During her stay there, she heard that Ashley had finally done what he promised and freed the convicts and employed free blacks. Pitty was full of the news of the town and as much as she egged Scarlett, she could extract no news of Rhett.

Scarlett was adamant not to let any information slip. The town already thought the worst of her. Why add to the gossip?

But something changed in her demeanor. Now that her dear Mother and Papa were dead, Sullen buried at Tara, Careen at the convent, Ashley no longer hers, Melanie dead and Rhett gone forever, Scarlett finally found the courage to drop her charming manners. Yes, she could be charming but she decided to never be the most charming person in the room. With the bitterness of losing Rhett and knowing that no other man would ever fill his shoes, Scarlett cast away her farce in irritation and anger.

So, Pittypat was startled to witness for the first time, those green, cat eyes glaring at her from across the table.

"What's the matter, dear?" she inquired, quite alarmed.

"Oh, its nothing. I simply dislike Ashley acting so prim and proper by getting rid of the convicts and hiring free blacks. But I suppose he must and I in turn must see my mills going to waste-"

"Scarlett, dear-"

"Ashley won't be able to bring free men under his control. They'll swindle him easily."

Pittypat fell silent. She glanced nervously around the room and sailed to the cupboard to bring out some wine. "You know, Scarlett- we must allow men to have their way. After all, they know so much more about trade than we ever could-" She pronounced the word "trade" as if she were speaking something abominable.

"If you wish to turn a blind eye to Ashley's decisions, then you could, Aunt Pitty. But I shall always keep my stand."

"Yes, of course, dear-"

Scarlett smiled lightly. "I didn't mean to alarm you, dear but you must understand that I care for Ashley and Beau. I was thinking of Beau mostly. I want him to have a good future and good education- Why, Beau is just like my own boy now. I promised Melanie-"

Aunt Pittypat teared up at once and sat down suddenly on her sofa. "Yes, I do understand, Scarlett. Perhaps as you say, Ashley might not make much out of those saw mills. Oh, but I know he couldn't bear to have the town talking about him if he still kept those convicts-"

"Yes, I know." Scarlett thought for a moment. "You know, Aunt Pitty, Rhett won't be here for a long time and I thought if Ashley was going to hire free blacks, then perhaps I could open a small school for their families - women and children at my Peachtree house. It is a large house and I'm sure that I could remodel a small portion of the downstairs halls and put an extra entrance so that the black children could come in a leave without disturbing anyone-"

"Why Scarlett!" cried Aunt Pitty, astonished. "What an idea!"

"What's wrong with it?"

"Nothing. It's a lovely idea. But.. but darling you've never done this before-"

"My Mother used to help blacks all the time and now, I'd like to.. in my own way. I can't sit and sew or visit people but I can hire good teachers. And perhaps with the children and women learning some useful skill, their husbands won't leave the mills or cheat Ashley-"

"If Melanie were alive, she would be proud of you!"


	16. Chapter 16

**Chapter 16**

Remodeling Peachtree manor took longer than Scarlett initially estimated. But she was determined to have it done in at least three months time. The décor in the downstairs halls was changed to something more modest and conventional. Scarlett herself kept sallying between Tara and back, keeping an eye on the construction and her family. Ashley was pleasantly surprised and pleased to learn of Scarlett's intentions. As the weeks went by, he spent more and more time supervising the remodeling work than managing the mills. He took great pleasure in providing thoughtful hints as to how school rooms should be and how the black pupils - women and children should be handled. Scarlett was partly amused to note than his old, slow and deliberate gait was returning.

While her mind was not diverted by the work done on her house, Scarlett leafed through newspapers and magazines, trying to find some occupation that might suit her interests. She now understood that she couldn't deal with people with a few simple rules. Previously she assumed that if she said "this and this"  
, the men would reply "so and so" manner. But now she cast aside these habits. The world proved to be far more complicated and she somehow had to win back its respect.

The people of Atlanta were talking again. The worthy matrons continued to condemn Scarlett- even more so, now that she was trying to win the favor of the people by turning her monstrosity of a house into something as decent as a school. The topic of Rhett's disappearance still dominated the gossip in various parlor rooms. Some even suspected that Scarlett was changing her tactics in order to gain Ashley's sympathy and procure her fourth husband.

Scarlett attributed the public opinion to envy and gave no more thought to it. Until one day when she was rudely awakened to her changing reality.

* * *

Ashley came regularly with Beau to follow the little school's progress, hinting more than once that he might like to manage it for her if she wanted him to. But Scarlett had already heard Ashley's ideas and she wasn't so sure. Ashley seemed to think that the blacks who were attending school possessed the same mentalities as the ones who had worked tirelessly in plantation houses. His solutions were impractical, his rules outdated and it seemed to Scarlett a burden to have him visit her every week. After putting off the offer for two months, she finally gave in out of frustration and decided to request to join Ashley in his educationalist pursuits if the Doctor were interested.

It was a balmy evening and Scarlett was bidding goodbye to her guests when Ashley walked back from his horse. "I thought I would linger here a little while longer" he began, shyly. His hat was off and Scarlett noticed that most of his wavy golden hair had turned grey. But those pale, translucent pools still twinkled. They twinkled down at her.

"My dear Scarlett, I cannot tell you how happy I am to be a part of this venture. This work adds so much meaning to one's existence and it found me at just the right time. A time when I thought I could be of no use to anybody-"

"Yes, Ashley" replied Scarlett, hiding her face, in case he should observe the insincerity in her expression. "I am glad too-"

"And I believe this venture has changed you too." continued Ashley, cheerfully. "The pretty woman who stands before me is no longer wild and tempestuous. I find a quieter, more self-contained, perhaps.. even secretive woman has taken her place-"

Ashley lowered his voice when he said "secretive" and peered down into Scarlett's face that she could not help smiling at him.

"Is there no news of Captain Butler's return?"

Scarlett started at this swift change of subject. She looked up and saw a very different expression on Ashley's face. One of seriousness and purpose.

"No. I have no news-"

Ashley walked a few paces from her and turned his back to her. "Scarlett, I must confess something. I must confess that this new person- the new you- so different from the old Scarlett with her all-consuming love and passions, the Scarlett who would demand everything from the man she loved- now faded, now only a memory and the new you- I find myself attracted very much to you, my dear-"

"Ashley, what are you saying?"

"If.. If Rhett has hurt you and if you are unhappy, I couldn't ever bear it, Scarlett. And I cannot bear to see you, alone here in this great house." Ashley took Scarlett by her shoulders and peered into her green eyes. "Oh Scarlett, I do understand and I want to be the one to make you happy-"

"Ashley, don't-"

"I know it is not my place to speak these things, but- Scarlett, you have your own life now. You seem so sure and so even-tempered. I could care for you and make you so happy. There, your green eyes flash at me in acceptance. Those bewitching green eyes-"

Ashley leaned in to kiss her but Scarlett stepped back in surprise and embarrassment.

The next hour she sat beside Ashley on a garden bench and explained why she was no longer interested in him. Scarlett felt miserable because for a moment, Ashley mad devotion seemed to be all that she needed to say goodbye to Rhett and move on. But she knew Ashley could never make her happy.

She only wanted Rhett.


	17. Chapter 17

**Chapter 17**

The hushed murmurs of the black children attending their school sessions triggered soothing memories for Scarlett of the lazy days of her youth when her parents were alive and there were so many black families living around the plantation house. She walked through the halls every morning, enjoying the respectful attention of the students to their lovely benefactress. She visited the classes for the black women too. There were a good many now and they all seemed quite content.

One afternoon as Scarlett crossed the playroom, she heard Ella's voice rise in an angry shrill. The playroom was rather empty these days with Bonnie no more and Wade still housed in his boarding school. Ella did not mind the lack of company for she was not particularly attached to anyone. She did not mind playing alone in the room. But her play had always been so quiet. Scarlett lingered at the doorway wondering why her daughter should scream out like that. She pushed open the door and looked inside.

"No, you are not to attend the tea party!" said Ella, loudly and vehemently. She pushed away a doll that was already in a tumbled down posture on the floor. It was an expensive doll bought only recently. "Look at you! You are wearing pretty clothes and a pretty necklace but you still look silly..! Dropping things on the floor and spilling things- No, you are not to attend until you learn to act pretty-"

Ella grabbed the doll and tossed it to a corner of the room when Scarlett stepped inside with a frown. "Ella, I could hear your voice all the way down the corridor- What do you mean by throwing away your doll. It's such an expensive doll too-"

Ella instantly whirled around, in surprise and a hint of shame. She looked repentant but she made no move to fetch the doll.

Scarlett briskly walked to the corner and scooped up the doll when she noticed Ella's coral necklace looped several times around the porcelain neck. "Where did you get this?" she cried with quick rising anger. "Ella, have you been in my room?" Then her eyes fell on the blue velvet frock that the brown-haired doll was wearing and she realized that the doll was somehow meant to represent Ella herself. She remembered the time when Rhett allowed Bonnie to wear blue velvet and bought the same blue velvet for Ella as well so that the girl wont feel left out. But Scarlett remembered thinking that Ella looked rather silly in it. She still had a monkey face and the blue velvet did nothing for her. Still she had expected Ella to turn out pretty. She was quite anxious for her daughter's appearance as it reflected her own powers as a parent. That's why she had forced Ella to wear pretty things and ornaments. But she never realized that Ella knew that she wasn't actually pretty.

"Ella, why did you throw your doll away?"

"She wasn't pretty enough- She was ugly-"

"Perhaps this doll would looked better in a simpler dress and without your necklace around her neck?"

"Perhaps-"

Ella's attention had drifted to a pile of books on the floor. Her tea party looked neglected. Scarlett put the doll back on a chair and gazed at her daughter's bent head. She held the coral necklace in her hands. She thought for a while and spoke,

"Ella, instead of this necklace, would you like anything else?"

"A kitten" came the swift reply.

"A kitten! But you-"

Scarlett stopped herself from ranting on Ella's irresponsibility. She had criticized Ella on that subject on too many occasions. It would never do. Not now. She crossed the room and rang the bell. A maid appeared. "Maggie, I'm going to get Miss. Ella a little kitten and I want you to help Miss. Ella take care of it-"

A joyful cry erupted from Ella's lips as she leapt up and ran to her Mother's side. "When are you going to get it, Mother?"

"Soon- I'll get you a grey one with blue eyes-"

"No, a black one with green eyes. Just as green as yours, Mother. Just as green as yours!"

Scarlett smiled. "Anything else? Ask me anything else, dear-"

"Tell me about Father?"

"Your Father? Why, Frank Kennedy was a soldier in the Confederate Army, the leader of the commissary department and he survived the war. I met him just as he was setting up the store and we got married. Your father was a good man but a little frightened to demand his rights from his friends and family. So, I had to make him see that its important to be outspoken and firm-"

Scarlett hesitated when she saw Ella looked confused.

"We didn't have nice things after the war, Ella. We needed money and the only way to get it was by being firm."

Scarlett was surprised that Ella had been keenly listening to her for this long.

"What would you have done in my place, Ella?"

Ella smiled shyly and dug her toes into the carpet. "I would have gone to Uncle Rhett. He'd always tell me not to worry and buy candy for me-"

Scarlett raised her eyebrows at this reply. "What if Uncle Rhett wasn't there?"

"Then I'd go to Father. He must know what to do-"

"What if he doesn't understand?"

"Then I'd go to somebody else. There must be someone who understands. We are all there together, aren't we?"

Scarlett looked dumfounded at this reply.


	18. Chapter 18

**Chapter 18**

A week later, Scarlett bought a little, black kitten with green eyes for Ella. As she placed the kitten into her daughter's grabbing hands and watched her dance around in nervous excitement. she hoped with all sincerity that the kitten might survive its early days without too much fright or strain. The kitten seemed to take Ella's flightiness in its stride as it tore up her dress and dug its tiny claws into her hair. Maggie helped Ella feed the kitten and things went on smoothly for a few days.

Ella began to take some interest for the first time in playing outdoors. She tied a bell around her kitten to track it easily and everyday begged the cook for a piece of fish. This she tied to the end of a stick using a piece of thread and dragged it around along the grassy lawns, watching her kitten dance and frolic in the sun. Scarlett watched this with surprise and interest. Even though Ella did not resemble her in looks, the picture she made, flinging herself on the sunny grass with the kitten in her hands seemed to Scarlett as if Ella had something of her own spirit. Ella loved the outdoor life. Scarlett did not know why she had never noticed this before. Somehow being out on the grassy lawns, chasing after the kitten and feeding sugar cubes to the horses, seemed to reduce her flightiness. Scarlett encouraged her daughter in a mix of relief and happiness.

* * *

The idea of showing off Ella's kitten to her friends had been Scarlett's idea. For Ella's birthday, she planned an outdoor party and Suellen and Will came down as well. They set out small white tables on the lawns laden with sandwiches and tea. A few of Ella's friends came, for they had all heard about Ella's feisty kitten. The mothers were cautious for they had heard such stories about Scarlett and her Peachtree house. Nevertheless they came, saying quite plainly that they couldn't stay for very long. Beau, Susie and Ella took turns carrying around the kitten which had grown big by now. They had a few games and then Scarlett brought out a large cream cake. The candles were blown out and the cake was cut. Everyone was having a fine time when Ella lost her balance, running and took a fall, ripping her dress in the process.

She began to cry out loud, much to Scarlett's embarrassment. But before she could call out to Maggie to take Ella indoors, the other girls knelt around her and were trying to make Ella smile. One girl even threw her arms around Ella, stroking her hair and telling her that she will be all right. Scarlett gazed on, not understanding much of this but somewhere in her being, a pang of hurt began to throb. Somewhere buried deep in the recesses of her mind, was a hurt- a little voice asking for something-

Ella was quickly soothed and Maggie led her away to change her dress.

"Why weren't we ever like that?" asked Scarlett, confused and bewildered by the aching feeling in her. Suellen gazing on at the girls, said, "Well, those girls didn't have the pressure of being Robillard ladies-"

"What do you mean?" asked Scarlett, in genuine puzzlement.

Suellen sighed. "Girls nowadays don't have to be great ladies, Scarlett. Look at those girls, each one doing whatever she wanted. They are all girls from decent families. Each one does the best she can. It wasn't like that before the war. You aren't bringing up Ella to be a great lady anymore than I am training Susie to be one- Mother trained us hard, remember? We were at each other's throats for her attention and affection. She only ever looked at us when we were trying to obey her teachings."

"You were such a tattle-tale"

Suellen frowned. "Well, you were no angel. Always running after the black children and playing with little boys. Scrapping your knees, climbing trees and falling out of them, throwing rocks in pools and jumping over the rails- It was easy to tell on you-"

And Scarlett at that moment, remembered her childhood. In a way she had never remembered it before. Why, she had been so happy then. Roaming freely about the plantation grounds, her wild escapades with the black children- But why was that voice in her crying out in loneliness and pain.

"You were so much like Pa"

"Yes, I was. I miss Pa so dearly."

"Mother reproached you so often that I was too scared to question her and miss out on her affection"

"Mother was a dear. She loved everyone-"

Suellen shrugged her shoulders. "Mother saw us as Robillard ladies. She didn't know what we were really like. But I suppose that is how it is in most families-"

Scarlett did not reply. She was caught up remembering something from days past. When she had been naughty and her mother had gazed at her in reproach. And then she had left her alone to face Gerald's wrath. The voice in her was crying out in a deafening pitch now. She had been left alone to face her punishment. Her Mother had washed her hands to leave Scarlett to her fate. Just like she had written in her letter when Scarlett had first danced with Rhett Butler.

Her Mother had left her alone during those days when she was herself. And there was always such rivalry between herself and her sisters for her Mother's approval.

"Do you suppose-" hesitated Scarlett. "Do you suppose those girls were comforting Ella because they felt that they were better than her-"

Suellen laughed scornfully at this. "Everything is a competition for you, Scarlett. No, they weren't. They were comforting her because she had taken a fall and she didn't act as if it didn't hurt her-"

 _"Act as if it didn't hurt"_

These words echoed in Scarlett's head for days. Then one night, she wept into her pillow, her voice rising in muffled tones. "It does hurt. It hurts so much. Oh Melly, if I could only see you once more and tell you how much I loved you as a dear sister. You were always so good to me- It hurts so much that I did not have any sort of female companionship-"

She recalled that picture of little girls sitting around Ella, holding her hand and stroking her head, wiping her tears with their handkerchiefs and felt such a rush of loneliness and sadness. Mother never really saw her for herself. She only saw her as a girl to transform into a Robillard lady.

Suddenly several things began to make sense. Scarlett's home at Tara which had been such a shelter and comfort to her now appeared distorted and different. How could her young Mother who was so different from old Gerald have loved him so dearly? The three sisters anxious and fighting one another for their parents attention. It wasn't like that with the Tarletons. It wasn't like that with the Wilkses. Scarlett began to wonder if her idea of her Mother being holy like Mary was even a healthy image for a girl to have of her mother? She began to question everything as the voice in her began to cry out louder and louder.


	19. Chapter 19

**Chapter 19**

Scarlett was turning thirty and during the months that passed, she learned to squelch that voice in her head. She knew by now, with a queer feeling that there were two sides to herself. There was the Scarlett O'Hara that she knew. Scarlett who was intelligent, confident, charming, vivacious, witty and full of life. The Scarlett who could also take excessive pains to be kind, sweet and tender as long as it suited her needs. Yes, this Scarlett she knew very very well. But there was another Scarlett somewhere deep in the recesses of her mind. This Scarlett was a small child, frail and vulnerable and she was asleep. If ever she woke up, she brought with her unspeakable terror and pain. The existence of this frail Scarlett was unknown until only recently. Only recently when Scarlett heard her voice, her mind instantly told her to, "Go somewhere, do something but never ever listen to the voice.. It will bring incredible, unbearable pain.. never ever listen.. go away.. go away-" And Scarlett instantly flew up to her room to drink a glass of brandy or walked all the way to Aunt Pitty's. Anything to stop listening to the voice of her frail self.

But these days, whenever the thought rose of conversing and baiting some chivalrous, Southern gentleman, Scarlett, to her great astonishment and bewilderment, found the idea repulsive. She still wanted Rhett. She still thought of him - his swarthy brown face and those times when he pulled her to his chest and she could smell that warm, comforting scent of brandy, cigars and horses. And she finally realized why she loved Rhett so.

It was during that wild night after Melanie's party. When Rhett had carried her upstairs and used her so brutally throughout the night. He had affected her. He had made her feel things that she never felt before. She had been so triumphant to hold something over Rhett's head that she had forgotten her own actions during that fateful night. When he carried her, what had she done? She had trembled and feared for her life. When he pulled her clothes away, had she done the same to him? No! She had cowered on the bed and whimpered in fright. Rhett had bullied and broken down her defenses and seen her fragile self. The part of her which she herself knew about only recently.

When Scarlett realized this, she shook in terror and revulsion. Oh God! _Rhett knew-_

 _That's why he was so afraid. He knew he had done something nobody would ever have dared to do._

In the darkness of the night, he had seen her as she really was- a trembling, cowering frail little thing-

And by morning, the Scarlett she knew so well, the charming Scarlett took over. She planned to be all a flutter, act coy and try to tease Rhett and repay him for all those times he had won over her. Rhett saw that too. That's why he was so disappointed. That's why he couldn't love her.

He wanted to care but he couldn't.

Scarlett understood this now.

But what was broken was broken. Now there was a opening through which she could see herself. Her frail self that was still sleeping inside her. And it terrified her.

* * *

As the days went by, Scarlett felt haunted by an outpour of memories. She was remember the very early days of her childhood in flashes. She remembered being muddy and dirty and reaching for a hot cake and somebody pulling her for a bath. She remembered being on the floor, weeping that she was hungry but she couldn't eat because she wasn't to sit at the table, dirty and unkempt. And she remembered her Mother telling stories of terrible punishments given by her grandmother Solange to little girls who didn't obey. She remembered being pulled to her feet during prayers because she was too tired and had fallen asleep from running in the fields. She was chastised by Mammy and her Mother who had given a lengthy talk on Hell. It felt so strange. Until then she remembered only happier days. Now, it seemed to herself that everything had been a lie.

The voice in her cried out saying that she was sorry she was hungry but it was only because she had been running. She didn't deserve to be chastised. She was only a little child. Scarlett bit back tears and felt she might as well die than be taunted by these wretched memories.

* * *

Those days, Scarlett penned several letters to Rhett and balled them up before she could post them. She started all her letters with sincerity and somewhere her well-known self took over and she wrote cruel, criticizing lines and lines that she didn't actually need Rhett. She at once tore her letters up, in frustration.

But one evening, he appeared once again.

* * *

Rhett had come. He had come so suddenly. And he was his usual, grinning self and he had even brought a present for Ella - a belated, birthday gift. At first when Scarlett saw him from her window, she was filled with fright. No, she didn't want to see Rhett after all. Not after everything that happened so recently. Not after what she knew or had come to know. Oh, what if he knew that she knew all this.

How could she cover it up?

She was afraid. Afraid to look foolish and vulnerable. As if she weren't wearing any clothes.

But a part of her wanted to see Rhett. Perhaps she could pull it off. Perhaps she could be charming- Perhaps...

So, she went to meet Rhett.

* * *

Rhett couldn't stay for supper. He had only just come to see Ella and Scarlett and he was leaving right away. Scarlett managed to look nonchalant and casual until Rhett arose to bid goodbye. Suddenly the voice in her, called out so loud that for a moment Scarlett thought Rhett could hear it. She trembled as she felt the loss of control and as she struggled to summon her charming self, a look of bewilderment crossed her face. Her eyes looked for a moment in Rhett's direction and in her confusion, she saw a look of incredulity on his face. His black eyes were staring at her in astonishment and disbelief. He didn't say a word but as they looked at each other, they knew.

Scarlett hurriedly looked down and gulped her coffee. She murmured goodbye and half-ran from the room, when she found her feet couldn't move fast enough. Rhett was walking up to her and she couldn't move. She couldn't look at him. And they both knew why.

"Goodbye, Scarlett" came Rhett's drawling voice, pleasantly gentle and extremely kind. He didn't put his hand under her chin and stare into her eyes. She would have died if he did.

Instead he just stood there as if waiting for her to say something.

Then suddenly he reached for hand and took it in his. His clasp was so warm and inviting. Her hand trembled in his. He kissed her hand. And she still could not look at him. He reached for his coat pocket and picked out a rose he had whisked from the gardens. He put it in her hand and she quietly murmured, "Thank you" There were voices yelling in her head, shaming her for her lack of charm or superiority. How could she, Scarlett O'Hara stand there like a little child , accepting things from that rascal, Rhett Butler. She should have thrown the flower in his face. She should have scratched his eyes out for trying to play up to her again.

But, no.. she simply stood there, confused and terrified.

 _Rhett knew._

When she looked up, Rhett was gone.


	20. Chapter 20

**Chapter 20**

"I don't know why you are asking all these questions about your Ma now-" said Mammy, casting a suspicious yet weary glance in Scarlett's direction. She sighed and shifted her leg with a grimace. "Going over the past isn't going to do any good, Miss Scarlett."

Scarlett stared at her impassively, her green eyes glittering with determination.

"You know your Ma was very young when she married Mist. Gerald and she had three sons and buried them, God bless their souls. And then you were born. And well, you know, how your Pa bellowed and hollered all over the plantation but it was your Ma who did all the hard work, managing the field-hands. Your Ma worked herself to the bone. It was hard work- mighty hard work bringing up a plantation like Tara- And it was a relief that you understood your Ma better than anybody else-"

Scarlett frowned. "What do you mean?"

"You knew that your Ma was too busy to be bothered and you kept to yourself- even if you was a little too wild to be a little lady-"

"Mammy" hesitated Scarlett. "I knew Mother had once loved a young beau and something awful had happened to him. Was that really true?"

Mammy stared in surprise and consternation. "It might be. Miss. Ellen was very pretty then. She had every right to be courted by many beaus-"

"Then that name she called out just before she died. "Phillippe" - Was that the same young man?"

Mammy's lower lip puffed out in anger and fierce loyalty. "I wouldn't know anything about that! And how did you come to know such a story?"

"Dilcey told me-"

"I wouldn't know anything about that."

"But she did love a man before she met Pa"

"Well... yes, she did. But she also loved Mist. Gerald. She said he had a kind heart-"

"Kinder than her family who didn't allow her to marry her beau-" said Scarlett to herself. "Mammy, Mother didn't really want to marry an Irishman and live on a plantation, did she?"

Mammy smiled sadly. "Things hardly work out the way we think they will, child. Your Ma wanted to marry her beau but when her Pa refused, she did the next best thing. She married Mist. Gerald and worked hard in his cotton plantation. What she wanted was long gone with her beau-"

Tears brimmed Scarlett's eyes as she finally connected the other-worldly look on her Mother's face to the empty shell of a person that Ellen really was. Now she remembered everything.

* * *

Scarlett was bewildered by how quickly Rhett had come back with the proposal of accompanying him on a long trip on his ship. He had everything arranged and he wanted to know if Scarlett wanted to come with him. There was hardly any expression on his face, no sign of enthusiasm or hope. But this time Scarlett give him proper reply.

"I do want to come with you, Rhett. I'm so glad you came back." she replied, looking tense and less confident than her usual self. "I.. I do want you. Not because I no longer want Ashley. But because I love you. I thought Ashley wanted me. But he only wanted me for my looks- everything you said when you once spoke to me in Frank's store, remember-"

"And you realized I wanted you in a different way-"

"I can't think why" replied Scarlett, brokenly. "I was amazed that anyone would want me-"

Rhett remained silent. Then he leaned forward and began to speak. "Before you unburden yourself on me, let me tell you something, Scarlett. I didn't tell you this before-"

Rhett seemed to look much older just then. Even his voice was flat and lifeless. "When Bonnie died, I couldn't face things-"

"I know, you were locked up with her body in your room- Rhett, if only I knew how much I had loved you, I-"

"Scarlett, listen- I didn't believe that Bonnie was dead-"

"What do you mean, you saw her fall over-" Scarlett's eyes widened in surprise and disbelief. "You mean, you kept Bonnie's body in your room as if she were still asleep? Rhett, how-"

"I couldn't bury Bonnie- not when she was afraid of sleeping in the dark. And a closed coffin is-"

"Rhett, for God's sake!" cried Scarlett, in horror.

"Miss. Melanie came to see Bonnie and she told me to stop trying to deny what happened to Bonnie and to act responsibly and sensibly as I usually did-" Rhett laughed mirthlessly. "So you see, Scarlett- I am not above the fears and woes of the usual Southern gentleman. I once thought I was. I was wrong. I thought I had seen every part of myself- I thought I was better than every other man owing to everything I had fought and struggled for- But when a real tragedy struck, I reverted to using the most childish way of denial- I knew then that I hadn't any strength-"

"Rhett, don't be so hard on yourself-"

"I began to treat myself right for the first time. I began to listen to that part of me that wanted to go back to Charleston and enjoy the slow charm of the days gone by- And I am still finding my way- So, before you unburden yourself on me, remember than I haven't anything to give to you. Nothing but my company-"


	21. Chapter 21

**Chapter 21**

Scarlett was on the deck of Rhett's ship. They were headed to Paris and had already been on sea for three days. While Rhett dutifully accompanied her to meals and dances, he was too busy with his own affairs to inquire after her or the children. There were no verbal snipes, no cynical barbs, no jeering laughter.. not even that mocking smile that she knew so well.. Scarlett realized that she had come to look forward to even these things - she felt deep inside that she didn't deserve anything better. The rest of the people on the ship seemed friendly enough but Scarlett longed only for Rhett.

Between bouts of intense loneliness and fear, she reasoned and analysed her circumstances the best she could. Then one day, she decided to take her chances.

"Rhett-" she said, trying to appear nonchalant and disinterested. Rhett looked at her from across the breakfast table.

"You know, I only married Frank to pay the taxes on Tara and save our plantation. I mean, I was fond of Frank but it wasn't love or anything. And if a child should come by it, Ella.. I mean.. she can't really expect me to be a good mother to her, can she? I mean, I never actually intended to marry Frank. It just happened-"

Rhett diverted his gaze to the open seas and declined to offer any comment.

Scarlett felt rebuffed. She wanted to speak something sharply to Rhett, something.. anything.. to stir him into remorse for the way he was treating her, but she couldn't find any subject. And she needed whatever little support he could provide. Rhett was her last hope.

"Well, then-" she continued. "If my Mother married my Father because she couldn't have the life she planned for - if their marriage was one for convenience, not love.. I shouldn't really expect much from my Mother-" Scarlett laughed awkwardly.. trying to appear light-hearted and carefree. "I mean, isn't it silly- wanting someone to adore you, give you attention or acceptance.. In a marriage of convenience, a child cannot expect that-"

"Perhaps" said Rhett, quietly.

"Then why did you-" said Scarlett, true confusion appearing in her eyes. "You married me only to keep me for a pet.. and Bonnie was born just like that- why did you love Bonnie so much? You adored her, gave her your time and attention, you accepted her fears- all in a marriage of convenience- it was a marriage of convenience, wasn't it,Rhett?"

Rhett drew a long breath. Then when he looked at Scarlett, there was a gleaming, leaping light in his eyes. "I gave Bonnie all that because if she didn't get them from me, she would never get them from anybody else-"

"I didn't romp around with my Mother and neither did Wade or Ella with me and we seem to be doing all right-"

"You have every right to think whatever you want to think, Scarlett. But let me ask you something- If you had run your mills with proper Southern gentlemen and your old-time field-hands instead of convicts, would you have the confidence and skills to make a success of your business? Would you know what to say, how to act-"

"No, I do admit that I-"

"Bonnie would have-" said Rhett, bitterly. "I met all her little girl needs so that Bonnie would have the confidence to move with the best families in Charleston and Atlanta-"

"Are you saying that I don't have enough confidence-"

"I am not saying anything. Scarlett, let things be with Bonnie. I'd rather you didn't mention her at all."

"I loved Bonnie too. And I can only speak about her to you since you loved her so much. Rhett, I do realize that you are right. Perhaps if I had confidence I would have never run after Ashley so much-"

Rhett rose up from the table. There was a dry smile on his face. "If your Mother did not love you the way you wanted to be loved, then you cannot take Ashley and mould him into someone who can and ask the moon from him and even if he did give it to you, what would you do with him?"

"I don't want Ashley, I want you-"

"I cannot give you the moon-"

"I am not asking for the moon, Rhett."

"Then first accept that you can never get the things that your Mother couldn't give you. No one can love you like that. I can't love you like that. I once thought I could. But I can't."

"That isn't true!" cried Scarlett, her voice shaking and tears brimming her eyes. "If I had only been more like Melly, Mother would have. Or.. or if she could see how I saved Tara- I know she would have. Mother needed me.. she did want me.. But I couldn't live up to her. I tried so hard. I wanted to be a Great Lady. It isn't Mother's fault-"

Rhett began to walk away. Scarlett stumbled after him. "Rhett, if you are still angry about Ashley, I swear to God.. all I ever wanted was for Ashley to say he loved me and to share that one perfect kiss. But even when he did kiss me, I never felt anything because I cared about you-"

"One kiss." said Rhett, swiftly. "Is that all what you wanted? Don't you want to giggle with your girl-friends, take a responsible post in your women's circle, visit many good families, hug your children and win their hearts- don't you want all people to like you-"

"But I'm not likeable- Melly liked me but she didn't know me- you yourself said I was selfish and unscrupulous-"

"I also said you were full of spirit and refreshingly frank- Scarlett, if you can get over whatever troubles you and be happy- then I can come back and give you a home. But finding out what makes you happy and what you want is something you have to figure out on your own. I cannot help you-"


	22. Chapter 22

**Chapter 22**

"Don't you want to be liked?" These words echoed in Scarlett's mind, stirring up so much frustration and sadness. She arranged the folds of her watered silk gown about her and leaned back to enjoy the music played by the orchestra in the ship's dining room. There were so many well-dressed, fashionable young people dancing, wealthy older people enjoying their wine and cigars and the odd few people who were shy and timid by nature. Scarlett stared glumly at them. She was not shy nor timid. She loved being gay and holding the attention of others. She generally liked being with people. But, she distrusted women because they always misunderstood her charm for being a "fast-piece". Perhaps if she had been more self-disciplined-

Her eyes followed Rhett as he strode across the hall, cigar in hand, meeting and greeting people, carrying on conversations and enjoying their company. Suddenly she wanted to be amongst people once again.

She desperately needed self-discipline. Yes.. she had lost herself in her mad hunt after Ashley. She had been too shallow and superficial. And Rhett was hurt by it. But now, she must take somehow curb her desire to be among people who liked her and instead make good people like her. The good families of Atlanta. She must find a way. She simply must.

She looked up as she saw Rhett leading someone- a young lady to introduce to her. Scarlett stood up, gracefully and with as much cheerfulness as she could summon.

"This is Miss. Susan Lee and she is-" Rhett chuckled softly, making Scarlett curious. "Miss. Lee is an activist-"

"An activist?"

"Yes. She er.. fights for the rights of Southern women. She has the dream that women can one day take up the same work as men, go wherever they go, negotiate, manage and er.." Rhett's eyes twinkled as he pretended to fumble his explanation. Miss. Lee blushed and stepped forward. "I am delighted to meet you, Mrs. Butler. I feel that perhaps I might be better at explaining who I am and what I do than Captain Butler who always looks as if he might somehow thwart my motives with extra politeness and sarcasm-"

"Oh no" smiled Scarlett, quickly. "Rhett has always prided himself on never being put off by a woman's intelligence-"

Rhett bowed and left the two of them to converse.

"Have you heard of us, Mrs. Butler?" began Miss. Lee earnestly. "Don't you think women must be allowed the rights to excel in fields where men dominate- women aren't delicate or feeble.. they aren't flighty or silly.. don't you agree?"


	23. Chapter 23

**Chapter 23**

All her life, Scarlett distrusted women because she knew that they were all predators after the same prey- man. She knew women who were demurely attractive to men, women who ignored men, women with secret liaisons to men but the very idea of women challenging men for equal rights seemed incredible and even distasteful to her. At first, she was skeptical and annoyed, even distrustful of her new activist circle's intention to argue with men in a rational manner about the capabilities of women. It all seemed conflicting and wholly unattractive. One could achieve so much more with charm. Scarlett was tempted to label these women as dry and conceited and laugh at their earnestness from a distance. But her feelings changed entirely through the course of the week.

Eugenia Reston, the speaker for the group, on board the ship, was something of a grand, noble soul. She was immaculately dressed with her thick, wavy hair netted in a large bun and folded under her bonnet. She was very forthright, controlling and obstinate. Her ideas for the rights of women were ambitious and rather revolutionary. Clearly, she held the admiration of the group. Scarlett would have detested her superior ways but Mrs. Reston had plans for Scarlett. She had heard of a Mrs. Butler who had been an excellent businesswoman in Alanta and she cornered Scarlett into talking about her mills and she was only too glad to narrate her stories and was pleasantly surprised to find a supporter in Eugenia Reston.

For the first time in her life, Scarlett was encouraged to develop her salesmanship prowess. These strange band of women lauded her for stepping into trade. They looked at her not as a competitor for a man's attention but as an asset to their campaign. This touched Scarlett and she was happy to feel wanted.

She never could use her charms on women before but now she could. She coaxed and flattered her friends into taking a firm but less openly conflictive stand for Scarlett was never one for open conflict. She loathed public arguments and preferred to use her charms instead.

Some women agreed and Scarlett became an established member of their group with her easy manners and lighthearted humor.

There was another woman who succeeded in making an impression on Scarlett. Her name was Isabella Sercy and it was her lucid, faraway brown eyes that caught Scarlett's attention. Isabella was sensitive,unassuming and a thoughtful person. She reminded Scarlett of Ashley Wilkes. There was an impression of constant sadness in Isabella's eyes. She spoke slowly and moved slowly, but she wasn't lazy at all. She bore the entire essence of their activist group on her slender shoulders and after long hours of solitude and pondering, came up with the most wonderful ideas of order and method to their campaign movements. She gave their circle a structure, a security which impressed Scarlett. And Isabella was the perfect foil for Eugenia's temper rages and brash, manipulative ways.

* * *

"Rhett, I've made a lot of new friends" announced Scarlett , half breathless with excitement, one night as she arrived at their suite after a particularly high-spirited meeting. "I've listened to Eugenia Reston for so long that even I am starting to believe that we could actually bargain for women to have the same privileges as men!" She collapsed onto the bed and flung off her bonnet. Rhett hardly looked up from his writing desk where he was engaged in writing several letters.

Scarlett took a quick look at Rhett, trying to guess his mood. She took a breath and continued,

"You know Rhett, I think I know why I clung on to Ashley Wilkes for as long as I did.I know that you have always been wondering why up to the point of obsession. I didn't know of it myself until I met another person just like Ashley. But this person is a woman, Isabella Sercy.

She saw a quick flick of Rhett's broad, muscular shoulders and he turned around to face her, his face blank but his eyes showing reluctant interest.

"Rhett, you know, Pa was loud and impulsive like a strong willed child and when he built Tara, it was all unplanned and shoddy, a room here, a room there- Mother added beauty and elegance to Tara but it was nothing compared to Twelve Oaks. I honestly thought that elegant white building just over the hills was like a graceful lady. Twelve Oaks had a beautiful structure, a system ... a lovely ancient rhythm to it and Ashley Wilkes was a part of it. And I needed that structure, that symmetry. Even more so after the war."

Rhett leaned back in his chair, his eyes still trained on her.

"I.. I know, I've pretended I didn't miss all this before but I.. I think I've always pretended to be strong and brave when I'm not. I too miss the old charm of the days gone by. And I knew that Ashley could do it. He thought deeply about things, chewed ideas like an old cow-"

"Yes, I know that. We were together in the clan"

"I thought if only Ashley could dig himself out of his gloomy fading world, he could bring a system which could bring some security, some order after the war. But Ashley was stuck in the past. He couldn't help me , not even himself. That's why I was so afraid-"

Scarlett became excited. "Dont you see, Rhett, you want me to play and be happy..but I can't play unless there is someone who is wise and orderly in the sidelines.. because I'm not.. I'm not orderly or systematic. But I need it, you see-"

Scarlett's eyes blazed with earnestness. "When we married, you left everything up to me. Instead of taking charge, you challenged me to give good returns for your investment. So I did the best I could. I carefully planned a crush and invited everyone. But they didn't come. So, I lost and I went on losing your ridiculous challenges because I was working out of fear .. a fear of no structure and everything changing so quickly. You were never sympathetic and I was too busy with Ashley. But now, I realize that while you couldn't provide me with a new secure system where I could play and have fun in, you did provide me with so many lovely gifts and money, a large mansion and so many fine jewels. That was very kind of you.I do appreciate it now. "

A queer look of suspicion mingled with interest came into Rhett's coal black eyes. He stated at her at length.

Scarlett raised her hand with an airy laugh and pointed to her hideously gaudy, glittering diamond ring. "Rhett, come look at this. Do you remember.. the look on my face during our wedding when you pulled out this ring?"

Rhett slowly rose up and approached Scarlett.


	24. Chapter 24

**Chapter 24**

"If you wanted me to take charge after our marriage, why didn't you say so?" demanded Rhett, looming over her, irritably. "You seemed so confident and sure of yourself-"

Scarlett shook her head. "I pretended- I denied feeling things because I've always been that way. And if I ever became sad, I always thought of Ashley- When I built our house, all I was thinking was many everyone in Atlanta envious- To show them that I could be successful and that I was right." Scarlett's eyes narrowed gravely. "You don't know, Rhett - you can't possibly imagine what a nightmare it was for me to manage things at Tara after the war. Mother had always been there to see to things and everybody just fell in line with her orders. But Mother was dead and Pa was like a child. Suddenly Mammy, Pork, Dilcey and everyone else - my sisters- everyone- they all turned sad and lazy- I thought they would just as soon be happy to curl up and die. And I had to do something. There wasn't any system. I had to make it and I wasn't good at it at all! We would all wake up in the morning and everybody would just stand around thinking of the old days and looking at broken pictures, torn floorboards, empty cupboards, burnt cotton fields, tattered dresses and weep. I was frightened. So frightened that I drove everyone to hard work - even picking cotton so that we'd survive somehow-"

Tears formed into large droplets and ran down Scarlett's cheek. "You seem to think that this is easy for me. But it is not. It is easy for you. Something in your nature. You are the one who is bold, brash, eager to take command and do things. You like to be on top of things and you plow your way through with your brutal strength. I am not like that-"

Rhett's mouth twisted to a smirk.

"No, Rhett. You keep saying that we are alike. Did I ever say it? Did you ever ask me if I thought we were alike? All right, maybe we are both selfish and unscrupulous. But that's what it ends. You saw me as strong, confident, obstinate and powerful only because you wanted to see me that way. Actually you are the one who is all that. Not me."

For a first time, a look of doubt crossed Rhett's face.

"You are the one who is so noble, heroic- Don't you deny it- I've seen it with my own eyes and heard Melly praise you to the skies. Saving me from my widowhood by bidding for my hand, returning Melly's wedding ring, buying Fanny's wedding silk, leaving money for Pittypat, saving me and Melly when Atlanta was burning and then running off to join the war out of sentiment and nobility- Oh yes, I see it clearly now. I don't know why I never understood you before. Perhaps it was because I was so much in love with Ashley. Or I thought I was."

Scarlett rose up to look directly into Rhett's eyes. "Rhett, I am nothing like you. I love being with people, I love people's attention and I love life. I have no desire to be noble or heroic. It was thrust on me and I made a poor show of it. I don't see how I could have done otherwise. What a terrible outfit we made. Mammy moaning and groaning over catching the sow and picking cotton, Pork stealing chickens and whatever else he could find, Melly fainting in the fields, Suellen and Careen fixing meals or washing clothes or dishes- We were terrible together. But this was the only structure I could get up because-"

Tears were falling down Scarlett's cheeks again. "- because.. Wade was so hungry and he was so sick of yams. You think I don't care about Wade. I did. I cared a lot. Just not like you. Everytime he cried for something other than yams, my heart was sick. And I swore that we would never go hungry ever again- But what could I do when I understood the world in only a part, Rhett? I do not reflect on things. I don't think I know how. I don't stare into space, thinking of how our world is collapsing. I can't think like that- my ideas are all here and now, you see- All I could think of was, we needed something other than yams, we needed clothes and shoes, and some money to buy cotton seeds. All the time I was terrified because there was no structure to anything anymore. The old days were gone."

Scarlett wiped her eyes. "We are different. If I had bulldog obstinacy as you said I had, then why am I here trying to get you back. I should have married Ashley-"

"You never sounded this passionate or emotional before-"

"I denied all these things, Rhett. But if you ever asked Ashley, he could tell you. He could tell you that I could be tender and compassionate. Its a side of me that I've never admitted to anyone, not even myself."

"Why?"

"I've always been that way. But I'm changing now. I've never felt so wanted and so liked by people before. I find I can be kinder if people like me-"

Rhett relented with a small smile that was reminiscent of his old charm. "Perhaps you are right- Perhaps I knew it but I just didn't want to see it that way. Sometimes deep inside I thought I loved you simply because no one else could ever flaunt or enjoy a bracelet or a bonnet as well as you. I wear expensive clothes and eat expensive food, but I cannot laugh over it with friends like you or flaunt and strut about like you-"

As Scarlett stared back into those dark depths, she found herself falling in love. Somehow the difference in their natures was so enticing and alluring. And she knew Rhett felt the same.


	25. Chapter 25

**Chapter 25**

"Rhett, look at this" said Scarlett, suddenly smiling and holding up her hand. The diamond which was large enough to be considered vulgar by the Atlanta society shone brilliantly under the gaslight. It's twinkle matched the twinkle in Scarlett's green eyes. She smiled and said, "Didn't I look utterly surprised and dismayed at the sight of this hideously gorgeous thing that you slipped onto my finger on our wedding day? And remember that pause you made before kissing me- you were completely satisfied seeing the expression on my face, weren't you?"

Scarlett laughed softly, her eyes growing queerly tender and inviting.

Rhett took her hand in his and immediately Scarlett felt that same warmth send several pleasurable signals all over herself. He stared at the ring at length and turned a steady gaze at Scarlett. "So, at last you are able to laugh at yourself-"

"Yes" replied Scarlett, gripping the hand that grasped hers. She sat down on the edge of the bed and Rhett sat down beside her. His eyes ran over her and rested on her face. Scarlett could sense a new, hesitating compliance in him. As if he wanted to love her but was still waiting for her to take the lead. As if everything still depended on her.

Scarlett flushed under his gaze and dimpled. "Do you remember that massive crawfish I attacked the night when I woke up from my nightmare. I still feel hungry whenever I think of that crawfish-"

"I picked that hotel especially because I remember you saying that you liked sea food-"

"Rhett that was so thoughtful of you." replied Scarlett, laying her hand on his thigh and smiling into his eyes. She suddenly leaned forward and brushed her lips against Rhett's. "There!" she whispered softly. "I kissed you... and I am no longer afraid-"

"Afraid?" asked Rhett, his mouth twisting with mock scorn. "Afraid of what?"

"Rhett, I am a different kind of lover." continued Scarlett, ignoring the taunting note in Rhett's tone. "I do love kissing but playfully. Not with all the seriousness and heaviness that you bring into it. When we get to France, we could rent a little sailboat and go out on the lake just the two of us and we could lay in each other's arms, we could kiss and just be happy together - or take long horse rides, the wind in our hair and then stop under a shady tree and just enjoy the sunset together- Doesn't that strike you as romantic and utterly lovely?"

Rhett suddenly grinned. "You are still as charming and delightful as ever, Scarlett. But I must ask you what this is leading up to? What do you want from me?"

Scarlett dropped her head and laughed. "You sound as if you were talking to one of your ex-blockaders. For Heaven's sake, Rhett, do learn to relax. I can love you tenderly too-"

She leaned forward and took Rhett's face in her hands and kissed him again. This time her lips lingered for a longer moment and her fingers traced from his throat to the buttons on his shirt.

Suddenly she felt herself being lifted up and the next thing she knew she was lying over Rhett while he leaned back on the bed. Scarlett laughed a little nervously when she felt Rhett's taut muscular frame heaving beneath her lithe body. A shadow covered his face so she could no longer look into his eyes. Her mind rushed back to the early days of their meeting, Rhett's lazy panther-like repose, his latent energy and gun-fire temper, riding his emotions with a curb bit, that suave cynical softness in his voice that grew bitter towards the end. And here she was romancing him, Rhett- Their lives had turned a full circle!

Scarlett went on with her caresses and soft words."Rhett, imagine if we went back. We could rebuild that Peachtree manor and start things afresh-"

"And?" The quickness in Rhett's tone struck Scarlett as queer. He seemed almost eager. Then why was he still holding himself back.

"What do you mean- and..? You know what I am implying-"

Rhett held Scarlett back and echoed, "No, what are you implying?"

Scarlett shrugged her shoulders. "Perhaps I want to settle now. Perhaps I want to attend to Wade and Ella and be a good wife-"

Scarlett froze when she heard a soft chuckle. "Well, don't you think I could? Rhett, you are a wonderful provider and I'm sure if we went back and started things afresh, we could make a success of our marriage-"

Suddenly Rhett's voice came through the dark, swift and harsh. "What is in it for me, Mrs. Butler?"

"Well" Scarlett replied. "We could have another child and-" She stopped in bewilderment when she felt Rhett's body beneath her turn to stone. His voice came softly yet with a steel like anger that chilled Scarlett's heart. "I knew it. All this silliness about going sailing and riding - it all leads up to you taking the reins and having another child. And then you can take twisted pleasure in saying that you wish it was anyone's child but mine!"

Scarlett scrambled up, her heart pounding. "I only said that because you teased about the baby being Ashley's!"

"Ashley Wilkes! If I hear his name once more-" Rhett glared at Scarlett, his form towering over her. "Let me tell you one thing, Scarlett. I did adore your playfulness and your lust for life. But everything about you - everything good has paled in comparison to your shallow interests and emotions. I do not care for pretty words and pretty promises anymore. A child with you? You must be out of your mind! Do you really think I would come back to you- after the way I saw you dealing with Wade, Ella and Bonnie?! And as for your charm, we will be docking in Paris in a few weeks where you can meet several of my friends who are twice as charming and twice as intelligent-"

Scarlett felt tears pricking her eyes. Rhett seemed to have a heart of stone. Where was that romantic blockade runner who had made such an impression on her? Where did that soft, drawling Charleston cad disappear? She was familiar with both but not with this raging, cool-headed, boorish man. Her tongue threatened to lash out a few hard words but suddenly she realized that they had been around this mountain several times before. As her eyes frantically darted across Rhett's face, she detected that same watchfulness. He was watching every movement of her face with keen interest.

Suddenly she took a deep breath and rushed forward,

"Why you obstinate, cruel, selfish cad!"

Rhett turned swiftly and strode towards the door. He wrenched it open but before he could step out, Scarlett slipped in front of him and closed the door. Her green eyes levelled into Rhett's menacing black ones.

"When your anger's cooled off" she said, her voice trembling."I'll be waiting right here, Rhett-"

Rhett's eyes widened faintly before he fought to regain control. He pushed past Scarlett and disappeared down the corridor. Scarlett stared after him, her heart filling with hope for the first time.


	26. Chapter 26

**Chapter 26**

Rhett did not appear at all after his furious outburst. Scarlett had expected to enter their cabin, drunk and at his sarcastic best. But he didn't. So, late that evening, she dressed in her finest gowns and strolled to the dining hall for a late glass of wine. Scarlett felt upset over Rhett's apparent rejection but she wasn't in despair. She had seen that infinitesimal change in Rhett's eyes and her instinct told her that she had finally made a significant impression on him. It wasn't Rhett's outburst that bothered her so much as his utter lack of the romantic qualities that she had attributed to him. Somehow she had associated his passionate love-making with the gentle tenderness of Ashley and she had carelessly assumed that Rhett could be tender too. Why, even Rhett had vowed that he could have loved Scarlett gently and tenderly. But now she was beginning to doubt it. She was beginning to doubt several things about Rhett and the man who was taking form before her eyes wasn't anything like she imagined Rhett to be. And yet she was in love with him. Even more than ever.

And she could not fathom the reason why.

* * *

Rhett's strong bulky form slid across the table and he threw a cursive glance in Scarlett's direction and ordered a glass of wine for himself as well. As soon as Scarlett's eyes fell on Rhett, she stifled a triumphant smile. It wouldn't do any good to be smug now. But she was relieved that she had been right. Rhett used his cruelty and his fierce temper to maintain his independence. To argue with him would be to fan a flame. The flame would only grow brighter and hotter. No wonder she had lost so many verbal battles. But now, she had him right where she wanted him. At long last!

When Rhett finally opened his mouth to speak, he was respectful and courteous.

"Scarlett, can you forgive me-"

"Oh, its all right, Rhett" replied Scarlett, quickly. She dimpled and fluttered her eyelids demurely.

For once Rhett could not dismiss her manners to be flirtatious or mere coquetry. He smiled sheepishly. "I don't know how you can forgive me so quickly-"

"I admit I was hurt - you hurt me badly, Rhett. But I see your temper is the problem. It's a problem but nothing that can't be fixed- "

Rhett quickly rose to his feet and laying his hands on Scarlett's shoulders, he gently prompted her outside to the deck. As soon as they stood by the rails, he drew her to himself by the shoulders and kissed her.


	27. Chapter 27

**Chapter 27**

When Rhett finally get go, Scarlett leaned back on the ship's rails and gazed into his coal black eyes which were blazing with that fierce passion she knew once long ago. She realized she was breathing a little harder and when she looked, she saw that Rhett felt the same too. Now she knew that he loved her. His kiss was so different and so sincere. She was reminded of years past, on Frank Kennedy's funeral day when he had proposed and kissed her at Aunt Pitty's parlor. She had been too distracted and uppity to notice his warmth of love then but now she knew - Rhett's love was like a steadily burning fire. When she was in his arms, she felt so safe and warm.

"Let's go somewhere where we can be alone, Rhett-" whispered Scarlett into his ears. "There are so many things I want to tell you. And so many things I want to ask you-"

Rhett's mouth dropped at one corner in a mocking grin. "There aren't many places where a man and woman can be alone on a boat. Even if the man is the captain and especially if the man is the captain. But if we go back into the dining hall and wait for an hour or two, the music and dancing will subside and we can shift to the cozy little settee just alongside the low partition by the lampshade. That corner is very private and I usually use that place to light a cigar and catch up with any old friends I meet on my trips.

"Oh good!" beamed Scarlett.

Rhett's eyes twinkled. "Isn't it a little late for a formal courtship, Mrs. Butler?"

"Oh!" Scarlett glared but playfully rapped his arm before walking back into the dining hall.

* * *

Just as Rhett had predicted, the number of dancing couples lessened and the music faded into a soft, soulful melody. The lights dimmed and most of the men headed to the smoking rooms while the ladies sat down for various card games. Scarlett watched as Rhett gave some swift instructions to an uniformed officer and after nodding him goodbye, he leaned back and took out his favorite brand of cigar. It was then that he gave Scarlett his full attention.

His full attention. It had been a long, long time since Rhett gave her full attention. Scarlett shivered a little as she felt the strong gaze of those bold, piratical eyes. "Well?" he asked jauntily. "What did you want to ask me?"

"Rhett" began Scarlett, taking his warm hands in hers. "You said your love wore out. But you love me now, don't you?"

Rhett did not reply.

Scarlett smiled. "Rhett, for all your charm and presence, in truth - you aren't really very romantic, are you?"

"No." came the quick reply.

Scarlett sighed faintly. "I thought so. When you broke away and got all angry, I knew that you weren't very romantic-"

"If you mean romance as in sitting on this settee right now, buying you boxes of bon bons, thrusting a great big bouquet of red roses and serenading you under the soft candlelight, then no - definitely not."

Scarlett bowed her head a little in laughter.

"Are you much disappointed?"

"Oh no! I wasn't expecting any of those things. I am laughing over how I imagined you to be charming, flirtatious and casual - just like me. Oh dear, we have been reading each other all wrong. There is nothing casual about you, Rhett"

Rhett grinned. "Before I proposed to you, I thought and planned - I weighed the pros and cons and I decided that you were the one for me. And I came after you-"

"Like a hunter after his prey-"

"Well, no- I wouldn't think so. I am simply that way, Scarlett. I see something I want and I take it. It belongs to me. I work hard for it. And I worked hard for you-"

"Yes you did-" said Scarlett, tenderly.

"Till the point of obsession."

"Tell me about it?"

Rhett chuckled softly. "I've told you before during our honeymoon at New Orleans."

Scarlett pressed Rhett's hand in earnestness. "I didn't take any of those words seriously. I've never been much of a listener. And you always spoke the sweetest words with a cynical edge, a conceited smile and that gleam of contempt in your eyes."

"Well, if you expecting me to pour out my heart in sublime poetry like your Ashley Wilkes-"

"Rhett, don't be angry. And don't ever mention Ashley Wilkes in connection to me. If we get back to Atlanta, we shall run into Ashley quite often and I want you to forgive everything that's happened-"

Rhett fell silent. Then he spoke quietly. "I am never one to dwell in the past. But I gave Ashley too many chances and I lost my respect for him. I'll try to do what you want me to do but it isn't in me to forgive anyone easily" Rhett's eyes narrowed. "You seem so different now, Scarlett. You express yourself so differently. That queer softness in your green eyes. It is so bewitching. I only saw them gleam like this once during the years I've known you-"

Scarlett dropped her head and then looked up with refreshing shyness. "I've told you about my Mother, haven't I Rhett? Well, I haven't told you everything - about her and me. The way I grew up. Partly because I hardly knew myself- what I wanted or the meaning of my dreams."

"Tell me-"

"Darling do you really want to know?"

"I would love to hear you talk. Whatever problem you are facing, honey - you just relax and be happy. I'll take care of you-"

"All right" said Scarlett. "When I was a child, I was different. I forgot what I was until only recently I remembered that a part of me was still sleeping inside. A little girl who wanted to romp with her Mother. That's right. I wanted to hug her, make her take me on piggy back rides, hold my hand and let me hold hers, muss up her hair- That was a part of me I had forgotten - I loved affection. And I was high-spirted, strong-willed and everything else. But importantly, I wanted to romp around with my Mother." Scarlett's eyelids fluttered. "But when I was young, I confused my Mother with Holy Mary because she was so perfect, so other-worldly. Mother- the pillar of strength, the fount of wisdom. She would dress in crisp, black taffeta - always and she would smell of lemon verbena - sachet she used to wear on her dress. I felt ashamed, mortified at the thought that I could ever romp with her. I thought there must be something wrong with me. But, the truth was-"

"Yes?"

"My Mother never really recovered from her early romance with a cousin of hers - a Phillippe Robillard. I knew the story before but I never took it very seriously. I don't know why. Mother was grave and so unemotional. Everything I wasn't. I was lively and so emotional. So, for my Mother's sake, I suppressed... avoided my feelings. Even now, its too painful to remember things. I'd rather not."

Scarlett's hands shivered but she gripped them together. "You see, Mother was a dear but I knew since I was a child that she could or would never really approve of the things I did- that she was incapable of giving me the love I wanted. And the idea brings so much grief - I remember that feeling and then I suppress my heart so that I can think as logically and calmly as you do-"

"And?" prompted Rhett, with interest.

Scarlett looked surprised. "That's all, there isn't any more to say-"

Rhett smiled. "You haven't told me anything new.. except the part about your Mother's first romance-"

Scarlett frowned. "You mean you knew all this about me?"

"Of course. Scarlett, you may think that you are a woman of mystery but I guessed things quite easily just by watching you. When you were tapping your feet and glaring at the dancers during the Atlanta Ball, I knew that you needed the attention of people, when you flirted and tried to get me to kiss you, I knew that you liked physical affection, when you suppressed your opinions during gatherings just so that a scandal wouldn't erupt, I knew that you wanted approval" Rhett's eyes twinkled. "But this avoidance - you are admitting all this now and it is wonderfully refreshing. I am not an emotional person. If I love you and want to act on that love, it is because you are my equal and I need you to share all my successes, my accomplishments-" Rhett thought for a moment. "All right I shall tell you. I'll tell you what I did to get you to be mine."


	28. Chapter 28

**Chapter 28**

{FLASHBACK}

"I hear the blockade is getting tighter-" Rhett looked up and saw the beadiest eyes he had ever seen boring through his tall frame. The voice continued, taut and grim, "It's going to be mighty difficult to get all those boats past the Yankee schooners-"

"Oh?" replied Rhett, nonchalantly. He did not get up from his seat nor did he offer the blockader a seat. Rhett was in no mood to entertain fools just then. His mind was running over more important matters such as how to secure his gold in Liverpool and just how to get his hands on a few tell-tale documents and shady contracts to gain the silence of those high-up men who might break the secrecy of his good fortune.

The man shifted determinedly to his other foot and continued, "Captain Butler, I know you bought me out fair and square on my cotton cargo but I see now that I might make a tidy sum by selling them in England. If you name a price, I'll buy back the cotton from you. I am an honest man, Captain Butler. I only want my fair share-"

Rhett stared the man down from head to toe. Yes, he was a sucker. Sold all his cargo and now he wants a cut in the deal. Rhett cleared his throat. "I'll tell you what, my friend- I am finding this blockading business tiresome because I've settled things for myself- comfortably- if you know what I mean-"

"I sure do-"

"I know some honest folk like you who I've bought bales from and they find themselves in the same predicament. Why don't I introduce you to them and you can form a partnership and buy my bales and my ships?"

"Well,I-"

"Is anything too difficult for the Cause?"

"Oh no, Captain-"

"We Southerners have got to keep up our faith - our ideals- It's the only thing worth fighting for in this changing world. One of the gentlemen, Mr. Tony Price, is an excellent navigator. He can get my ships through the tightest of blockades. One trip and back and you can be wealthy for the rest of your life and think of returning back to the South with your pockets full of hard-earned gold and something to crow about in front of Scallawags and Carpetbaggers-"

Rhett watched with morbid amusement as the other man shook his head vigorously and fell for his trap.

* * *

That night, Rhett had sent a few letters and telegrams and leaned back in his chair. He was tired and his mind began to wander, "I wonder what Scarlett O Hara is doing right now?"

Despite himself, he grinned as he remembered those flashing green eyes glaring at him in hot Irish temper. That sweet, baby face that hid a sharp, intelligent mind.

"That girl will only break my heart" thought Rhett, smiling to himself. "Marrying Charlie Hamilton just to spite her beloved Ashley and then travelling to Atlanta to reel him in. Such obstinacy would never do!"

But he felt a small pang of guilty interest.

"A woman without the sentimental morality of our fair Southland - a refreshing change from the demure, faint-hearted ladies I've usually met and mingled with. But such a fiery temper when things wouldn't go her way."

Rhett chuckled again. "I could handle that temper. But that obstinacy? I wonder what's behind it all?"


	29. Chapter 29

**Chapter 29**

"My goodness, it's a letter from that terrible man, Captain Butler!" Aunt Pitty's chin quivered with a happy mixture of excitement and fear. Her eyes darted quickly across the large sheet of letter written in very elegant handwriting. She had just finished re-settling into her home in Peachtree street after overseeing several repairs and payment of bills. When she caught on to the apologetic tone in Rhett's words about having offended Scarlett during their flight from a burning Atlanta City, her heart instantly leapt to the worst possible conclusion. "But that's silly" she told herself, laying down on the couch in high fervor. She remembered the Girl-of-the-Period Saloon and Rhett's doings there, the terrible rumors surrounding him during his years of youth.

"And of all people, Scarlett had to chose him to help her out of Atlanta" thought Aunt Pitty, disapprovingly, forgetting how much of a difference her own presence might have made had she chosen to remain in Atlanta during the invasion and helped in delivering Melanie's baby.

"Oh, I forgot all about Ashley's baby- Surely he couldn't have .. not with Wade Hampton and the new baby- Oh no!" Pitty narrowed her eyes and wondered. "Then how could he have offended Scarlett?"

Unwillingly Aunt Pitty abandoned her delightful theory and set about answering the letter.

* * *

Rhett frowned as he read Aunt Pitty's letter.

Scarlet's mother was dead from typhoid. Rhett read this line without any wave of sympathy because it wasn't in his nature to be sympathetic towards anyone. But when he read about how Tara was still surviving, he lauded Scarlett in his mind for rising up to the challenge. His admiration of her grew. But Scarlett hadn't paid a visit to Atlanta. This fact annoyed Rhett. As long as Scarlett stayed at Jonesboro, it meant that either they were facing the threat of thieving stragglers from Sherman's army or they hadn't enough money to make the trip.

Rhett's frowned deepened. He had no way of knowing how much money Scarlett might be having and for once regretted the idea of Melanie and the baby staying with the O'Haras. He knew that Ashley would head there too. From the description Pittypat gave of Twelve Oaks's destruction, it sounded quite in-livable. An odd pang of jealousy shot through Rhett. Angry with himself for succumbing to such feelings, Rhett paced the room, thinking about his own feelings toward Melanie.

Yes, he had known many kind, complying women like Melanie during his travels. Wilkes - yes, he knew her type. Women with gentle hearts but strong spirited and proud. Women who never spoke what was in their mind and never left their little circle. But what kindness and what respect. He particularly liked the deference they gave to his dominance. These type of women liked to be dominated. They liked being told what to do as long as they were appreciated.

Yes, Rhett liked Melanie Wlkes very much. And if he was wise, he should fall in love with such a girl alone. But no.. Southern women of Melanie's type would reel with horror if they knew what Rhett was truly like. His selfishness, his careless disregard for their cherished traditions and beliefs, his twisted values and cunning manipulations - no, they would never approve and more importantly, they would never admire him at all!

But Rhett saw the same problem between Scarlett and Ashley. They might suit each other very well, Rhett acquiesced. But Ashley was gone. He lived in the past and he belonged to the past - heart and soul. He had no courage and that was a huge drawback. Scarlett needed someone with courage to love her. Ashley was unsuitable , if only she would realize it.

And so, here he was, unable to decide how to pursue his feelings. He still remembered that kiss with pleasure. He remembered with delight at how he was able to force her to breathe harder and feel excited by his lovemaking. The look of surprise on her face, the confusing in her posture - he remembered it all with a thrill. He felt just as excited but he could ever show it out like her!

"I have to go to Atlanta" thought Rhett, decidedly. "I must find out about her-"


	30. Chapter 30

**Chapter 30**

When Rhett was jailed for not disclosing the secret location of the Confederate gold, he had already gathered enough information on just how stable Atlanta and the surrounding counties were financially. He guessed without having been explicitly told that the war had hit the plantations the worst, most of them burnt and unrecognizable. He heard tales of wretched poverty and starvation, of County swains descending from their enviable social positions and working like field-hands.

It was a bit of a annoyance that the Yankees kept him jailed for weeks. But Rhett was confident of getting out and even going so far as Jonesboro to find out just how Scarlett O'Hara was managing things.

That Scarlett should come to Atlanta to seek him out was an utter shock and pleasure to Rhett.

* * *

That lovely green velvet, those earbobs that jangled in her ears and that jaunty cockerel feather dancing on her hat - what a charming picture Scarlett made and how well the ball-gown suited her. Rhett eyed her as if he was in a dream. But as much as interest rose, curiosity soared even greater. She seemed to have forgotten all about his kiss on that night when they were fleeing from Atlanta. Now she smiled and flirted as if nothing had happened at all.

Rhett found this attitude of hers most interesting. But he guessed outright that Scarlett was after his money. Scarlett had changed. The war had changed her. She no longer looked entirely ease. She looked like a cat - a hungry cat staring at its prey with green gleaming eyes, caring for no one but itself and its present relief from starvation. Yes, there was definitely desperation in her voice, in her looks, even in her touch.

The lies upon lies that Scarlett spewed annoyed Rhett immensely. But he enjoyed making her talk and feel clever so he led her on. Besides he had to know the latest news about her. When she waved her hands in animation, he easily saw the sores on her sunburnt palms. Letting no emotion escape him, he suppressed the feeling of dismay at finding out that she too had to work like a field-hand. And it looked as if she had enjoyed it.

But when Scarlett made her offer of being his mistress - that moment was the first time Rhett realized that he had fallen hard for her. Ashley had sent her to Rhett to borrow money knowing the kind of person he is. Ashley didn't care about Scarlett at all. He only wanted to be supported and loved but he couldn't give anything back - especially the control that Scarlett needed in utter chaos. And the idea of being a mistress somehow did not suit Scarlett's nature. She couldn't have proposed such an offer without seriously elaborating on the dire consequences for her. She would be shunned, hated and judged by everyone, she would be lonely and depressed- but she was willing to do it just to save her farm!

While others saw Scarlett as a strong person, only Rhett saw her for what she really was- a frightened girl who would do anything to survive in a changing world. And he loved her.

But it was the lies that annoyed him more and more. Her lies made her look like a prostitute and he told her so. When she blushed, he felt a pang of guilt for humiliating her but he prided on being a frank, if not harshly frank person. But when he finally, half-exasperated by his inability to provide her with three hundred dollars, confessed to the truth, he had not expected her to react in a such a strong manner.

Rhett was genuinely afraid.

He deflected Scarlett's spirited punches and kicks with remarkable agility and struggled to contain her in his arms. When he held her, he could feel her frame which had turned bony. She was weak yet full of life. Rhett's admiration for her soared.


	31. Chapter 31

**Chapter 31**

Scarlett frowned as she heard Rhett speak about his admiration for her. "I don't understand. How could you admire me or even love me then, Rhett? I felt like such a fool when I left you though I hardly showed it. And you looked as though you had nothing but contempt for me for sinking so low as to propose-"

Rhett's expression wavered and his voice fell flat. "As much as I was triumphant over being right, Scarlett.. I-"

He hesitated. Then he said with much deliberation and care, "It didn't suit you. You didn't know what you were saying-"

"Oh yes, I did!"

"No. Scarlett. No matter how the war changed you- I don't know how to explain it. You wouldn't have liked it. It would have killed you." Rhett went on. "You would have never seen Tara again, nobody would have received you and-"

Scarlett's eyes were shining in tears. "You are right. All I thought at that time was to keep the memory of Papa and Mother alive. They wouldn't have let go of Tara for anything. Especially Mother. She worked so hard bringing things together. She-"

Scarlett suddenly squeezed her arm as if to stifle a shiver. "There.. there.. it's all right" she whispered to herself. Then she turned to Rhett. He was looking keenly at her. No doubt he had noticed her little gesture. Scarlett flushed. "It's something I learnt. Just recently-"

Rhett nodded. His face was expressionless but his eyes seemed to fixate on her. As if he was making up his mind about something.

"When Mother died, there was nothing that could hold me back. My conscience never bothered me. Until Frank died. Mother was like the good part of me, Rhett. She always-" Scarlett hesitated. "But when she died, I felt so lost. I was like a child, not knowing anything practical and useful. And-" Scarlett's eyes flashed in fury. "What is the use of not having anything grand anymore? How can we strut about like ladies and belles if we have patched up dresses and holes in our shoes, if we can't eat, bathe or sleep without having to worry about food-"

"I gave you money but it didn't seem to help" said Rhett, softly.

Scarlett looked up at him and saw there was tenderness in his eyes.

"I am a fraud." she spit out, in vehemance. "I've been living in.."

"Grandiosity" offered Rhett, quietly.

"Yes!" exclaimed Scarlett, her lips parted and her forehead creasing with frustration and pain. Her fingers dug at the seat as if she wanted to scratch somebody's eyes out. But she didn't know who or why. "I could have had friends-"

Her shoulders began to shake and Rhett took her hands. His grasp felt warm and alive. Scarlett squeezed through his fingers until they ached. "I don't know why I was so stupid.. so stupid.." She looked up pathetically at Rhett. "And now its all over. It's all over and I am still here- Everything was fake."

Scarlett's words came out mingled between sobs. Her eyes were glistening and every tear seemed squeezed out in pain. But for the first time, she saw compassion on Rhett's face. "I'll never forgive myself- I'll never-"

"No Scarlett." said Rhett. "Yes, it is all over. But you survived. Your Mother and your Father went to their graves knowing that you were still Charles Hamilton's wife with a little son. And you saved Tara-"

"But at the cost of what?" Scarlett's voice came in a frantic whisper. "It keeps coming to me.. everything I had done. It haunts me-" Suddenly she gave a smile and pulled herself together. When she looked up, her eyes were clear and there was a new resoluteness on her face. Now she drew the line between her troubles and Rhett. He saw this and raised her hand to his lips and kissed it.


	32. Chapter 32

**Chapter 32**

"When Bonnie said that you smelt like whiskey.. do you remember that, Rhett?" asked Scarlett after she had composed herself.

"Yes"

"How did you stop drinking?" Scarlett studied Rhett's swarthy face in pure curiosity. "It must have been difficult."

Rhett's lips curved into a smile. "It was. Whenever I picked up a bottle or raised my glass for another drink, I remembered Bonnie's sweet, round face screwing up with disgust." Suddenly that smile froze into reminiscent sadness. "When she said Uncle Ashley smelt good and- Well, I had to change-"

"She meant that much to you." echoed Scarlett, in quiet admiration.

"Bonnie loved me. The love of a child - with no hypocrisy, no guile, no conniving inner motives- Her love changed me. I gave up many things, Scarlett. I saw to it that Belle's saloon had closed down. Some of them laughed at me. I didn't care. I wanted to be a good father to my Bonnie-"

"And you were-"

Rhett shook his head slowly.

"No sensible man would have allowed his daughter to make that jump no matter how brave she thought she was. I deluded myself and God punished me."

"God doesn't do things like that, Rhett. Why, if God were to do that, He'd have struck me dead when I shot that thieving Yankee-" Scarlett's words came out emotional and contorted.

"You saw the truth. You said I killed her."

"I was upset" cut in Scarlett, passionately. "I never meant to hurt you-"

"No, you were right. I did kill Bonnie."

"No, Rhett. Please don't torture yourself. Bonnie died because.. well, because these things happen. They are accidents, they happen to everybody and we are unfortunate because it happened to us. Could any five year old girl be as much loved as Bonnie was? She loved you and you did all you could for her. Why.. when she was afraid of the dark, you forced the servants to keep a light in the room and you even had her bed moved to your chamber, all those velvets you allowed her to wear and muddy them at the same time. Yes, you were indulgent but it was balanced.. not vain. How could I can a man wearing a feather in his hat and carrying a girl with a torn, muddied frock as vain?"

Rhett nodded abruptly with face twisting with emotion at this unexpected, gracious validation. He gripped Scarlett's hands tightly to show how much he appreciated her words. This pathetic yet innocent gesture suddenly caused Scarlett's eyes to moisten. For the first time, she was able to share something of an intimacy with Rhett. "So, this is what it is" she thought to herself, in wonder.

"Bonnie was headstrong but if she had lived and grown up, she would have made a fine lady. She would have spoken her mind, pushed people to their limits, got things done. She had those qualities in her." continued Scarlett, pleased that her words were having such an effect on Rhett. An idea began to form in her mind. At that moment, she wanted to have another baby, just as feisty and full of life as Bonnie. Then Rhett would be happy and she could learn how to care for her child. A clean slate. All past hurts forgotten and a new, fresh beginning. Yes, that is what they both needed!

Scarlett opened her mouth to speak. But Rhett interrupted her.

"A child can see through any kind of hypocrisy, Scarlett. Bonnie did that for me. I thought myself to be magnanimous before but she showed me how selfish I had been. Why I hardly spent time with the children, I was rude to the servants- Bonnie saw through all that. That's the kind of love everybody needs. Someone who is frank and kind- who lets you down gently from your delusions-"

Scarlett clutched Rhett's arm in excitement. She wanted to talk about having another child. The thought filled her mind with so many pleasant images that she felt she should burst with happiness. But when she heard the gravity in Rhett's tone, she suppressed her desires and tried to listen to his words.


	33. Chapter 33

**-Chapter 33**

"I didn't want you to spend the money I gave you on the Wilkes family mainly because I easily saw through Ashley's pretense of loving you for some mysterious, sublime reason." Rhett shook his head with a smile. "Scarlett, when you think of affairs, you assume them to be wild and emotional. But there are people who are capable of entertaining the most perverse fantasies in their head and looking completely unemotional and collected. Ashley is one of them. What he felt for you was lust - quiet, calm lust. And when you flirted with him, you played right into his hands."

Scarlett blushed furiously at these words. She fluttered her eyelids rapidly. "Pa told me that Ashley and I were too different and there wouldn't be much happiness if we were ever to marry. I thought I could change Ashley. The truth is, Mother would have liked Ashley. She was like him, gentle and kind and so concerned with Tara. But I see now that as much as I love my Mother, she wasn't really much of a Mother. She was living in a dream, just like me. And in her dream, she was being a good Mother, raising her three daughters in the footsteps of Great Ladies without showing any of us how to mingle in parties, romp around in play or learn to show our emotions. I think in a way, Pa and Mother lived in different dream worlds and somehow they got on together. And whenever I got into trouble, Mother was forced to wake up from her dream and realize that she wasn't a good Mother- It was her shame that I wanted to alleviate, you see - I wanted her to be proud of me- And I assumed that Ashley had the noblest intentions-"

Scarlett's voice was shaking again.

"Whenever we went to balls, I would say the most awful lies and flirt and make any beau of mine feel like a king and Mother would see me from afar from the Matron's Circle. But she never saw me really. She thought I was just high-spirited. She didn't see that I didn't know how to just talk or make friends. She didn't see that I was so very vain. She thought she could somehow reproach me into good behaviour. But it doesn't happen like that, Rhett. She.. she had to take interest.. It doesn't matter how perfectly I could walk on my toes or look so demure or something- We both knew- Pa and I, that there was something wrong with Mother. In our own way, we knew. We didn't speak openly about it because we didn't understand it ourselves. In Mother's world, hens wouldn't lay eggs, .. well, she didn't know anything practically." Scarlett twisted her handkerchief in her hands. "Oh Rhett, of late I feel so ashamed for her. The entire memory of my Mother, floating about Tara in her black taffeta, smelling of verbena sachet, looking kind and gentle but dismayed at the slightest form of realism. I tried so hard to make her look as real as I wanted her to be. I tried my best but its impossible. I have to live too-"

Rhett opened his mouth to say something but Scarlett interrupted him. "I..I know this is something I have to work out on my own, Rhett. I feel as if I've lost something during those years which is causing me nightmares. But I'll figure it out."


	34. Chapter 34

**-Chapter 33**

"I didn't want you to spend the money I gave you on the Wilkes family mainly because I easily saw through Ashley's pretense of loving you for some mysterious, sublime reason." Rhett shook his head with a smile. "Scarlett, when you think of affairs, you assume them to be wild and emotional. But there are people who are capable of entertaining the most perverse fantasies in their head and looking completely unemotional and collected. Ashley is one of them. What he felt for you was lust - quiet, calm lust. And when you flirted with him, you played right into his hands."

Scarlett blushed furiously at these words. She fluttered her eyelids rapidly. "Pa told me that Ashley and I were too different and there wouldn't be much happiness if we were ever to marry. I thought I could change Ashley. The truth is, Mother would have liked Ashley. She was like him, gentle and kind and so concerned with Tara. But I see now that as much as I love my Mother, she wasn't really much of a Mother. She was living in a dream, just like me. And in her dream, she was being a good Mother, raising her three daughters in the footsteps of Great Ladies without showing any of us how to mingle in parties, romp around in play or learn to show our emotions. I think in a way, Pa and Mother lived in different dream worlds and somehow they got on together. And whenever I got into trouble, Mother was forced to wake up from her dream and realize that she wasn't a good Mother- It was her shame that I wanted to alleviate, you see - I wanted her to be proud of me- And I assumed that Ashley had the noblest intentions-"

Scarlett's voice was shaking again.

"Whenever we went to balls, I would say the most awful lies and flirt and make any beau of mine feel like a king and Mother would see me from afar from the Matron's Circle. But she never saw me really. She thought I was just high-spirited. She didn't see that I didn't know how to just talk or make friends. She didn't see that I was so very vain. She thought she could somehow reproach me into good behaviour. But it doesn't happen like that, Rhett. She.. she had to take interest.. It doesn't matter how perfectly I could walk on my toes or look so demure or something- We both knew- Pa and I, that there was something wrong with Mother. In our own way, we knew. We didn't speak openly about it because we didn't understand it ourselves. In Mother's world, hens wouldn't lay eggs, .. well, she didn't know anything practically." Scarlett twisted her handkerchief in her hands. "Oh Rhett, of late I feel so ashamed for her. The entire memory of my Mother, floating about Tara in her black taffeta, smelling of verbena sachet, looking kind and gentle but dismayed at the slightest form of realism. I tried so hard to make her look as real as I wanted her to be. I tried my best but its impossible. I have to live too-"

Rhett opened his mouth to say something but Scarlett interrupted him. "I..I know this is something I have to work out on my own, Rhett. I feel as if I've lost something during those years which is causing me nightmares. But I'll figure it out. When one doesn't get the same things that everybody else gets, the only way to hide that pain is to exaggerate oneself isn't it? In my eyes and in the eyes of my poor parents, I was a lovely Southern Belle capable of the gentlest feelings, kindest acts and enough beauty to attract any beau in three Counties. What could I do but accept this dream given to me?"


	35. Chapter 35

**Chapter 34**

At these last few words from Scarlett, even Rhett looked moved. "Aah, darling" he said tenderly. "Perhaps that is true, but think of the kind of dream your parents have given you. It is that dream which has saved you from facing the pain of an unloving mother and a boyish father who cared too much about himself to set a better example to his daughters. In their own way, they tried to shield you and now you have seen the truth. But you know-"

Rhett's voice fell down to a low whisper. "When I look at you, I can still see that young girl wearing her apple green taffeta, sleeves pulled down to expose her white shoulders, wearing that huge hat with green ribbons, bowing and chatting gaily with her beaus. I see charming manners, flashing green eyes full of life and gaiety."

"Oh Rhett" cried Scarlett, genuinely pleased by this sudden effusion of kindness. She decided to humor him in the same way. "And I see, a dashing blockader, tall with a swarthy brown face and the grace of a panther looking for its prey-"

Rhett laughed out loud. Some people turned around, annoyed to have their conversations interrupted. Scarlett looked embarrassed and instantly asked him to hush up. She took a sip of her drink and dabbed her lips with her handkerchief.

"Oh honestly, Scarlett - Is that how you see me?"

"Yes. But you don't have to make a scene about it! Do control yourself, people are still looking in our direction!"

Rhett finally composed himself and continued more good-humoredly. "Its strangely gratifying. Is that how you really saw me?"

"That is how everyone in Atlanta saw you. I thought you knew that, you conceited man."

"Oh Scarlett, it is priceless. I can't say you are wrong though because that was the kind of image I was going for-"

"You mean you acted that part on purpose?" cried Scarlett, growing even more annoyed.

"Why not? I passed through this stage of disillusionment just like you. Then I grew wise and I adopted the same image for myself, deliberately this time, with all its exaggeration because it amused me"

"Devil take you-"

"Well, you can do it too. Imagine if you deliberately threw on your charms now. Not really believing you were the most attractive thing on earth but just giving the picture of it-"

"A dashing blockade runner and a Southern Belle walking arm in arm back to their Atlanta mansion-" said Scarlett, trying to imagine what it would be like. Suddenly she began to laugh at herself. Rhett grinned. "Rhett, it feels ridiculous just thinking about it-"

"And now you've learned to laugh at yourself. Congratulations, Mrs. Butler. And now you see why I loved you and still do-"

"Why?" asked Scarlett, innocently.

"Because you still believe in that image I gave you. The bold, heroic, dashing blockade runner. Not many people remember me like that. But you do. How can I not help loving you?"

"Oh!" Scarlett colored up at once.

"You are sweet. In your own way and kind. Perhaps Miss. Melly saw this and loved you for it. Perhaps Ashley did too. But let's not talk of them."


	36. Chapter 36

**Chapter 35**

"You mean you knew all along that I was attracted to you- that I loved you?" asked Scarlett, in astonishment at the idea of such openness in her manner and intentions. She had always thought herself to be a thing of mystery. And here was Rhett revealing that he knew plainly what she had been feeling all along.

"Well, I didn't know if you loved me. But I knew you were attracted to me" replied Rhett, grinning. Scarlett thought he looked wolfish and most piratical just then. "From the first day you saw me, didn't you think I was a varmint?"

"Well, yes.. but I don't see how-"

Rhett's grin grew wider. "You believed in it, didn't you? And you attributed so many other unflattering qualities to me. But the point is, you believed in them."

"Yes, I suppose-" admitted Scarlett, unwillingly. She wanted to know where all this was heading.

"Well, you remember when you wanted me to kiss you after I gave you that green bonnet? You had already assumed that I wanted to marry you. And I had just finished telling you that I was a villain and I was leading you down the wrong path with gifts and bon bons. You said, you wouldn't marry me to pay for the bonnet. You had already assumed I was the villain which I found very flattering and rather naively sweet. If it was any other woman, Miss. Melly, for instance, she wouldn't have received it. And if she did, she would have spoken out her feelings and clarified as to the intention behind such an expensive, flattering gift. But you.. you just jumped to conclusion. You never had doubts about anything-"

"Oh!"

"And that time at the porch, when I asked you to be my mistress- Remember, when I said that you must like varmints having never seen one in real life. And when I kissed your hand.. it was delightful to see your reaction- You had completely believed that I was a varmint and that kiss was so detestable to you and yet so thrilling- I wanted to give myself the image of a rogue and you were the only one among all ladies so far to believe it. I can't tell you how charming you were just then, your childlike naivety in seeing things as black or white and never shades of grey- I adored you for it."

"I had no idea my feelings were so open" uttered Scarlett, morosely.

"Didn't you call for me when Atlanta was under siege? Again, you believed in me. That's why you couldn't understand why I went off to the war. When you tried to hold me back with vexation, you looked so pathetic and trusting that I had to kiss you. I kissed you as tenderly and as warmly as I could because your eyes were shining with such hope and dashed dreams. You couldn't see that I was losing my head over this whole war. That I was feeling selfish and wicked for not having joined the troops. That I was going to be noble and do the right thing. You couldn't see it. All you cared about is why I was leaving you. You were like a child and when you begged me not to go, I was so touched. You unknowingly attributed so much power and strength to me that I felt I was on top of the world. I knew that you would survive that night. I could see courage and determination in your eyes. But you couldn't. So, I had to kiss you. And show you that everything would be all right. Didn't I kiss you leisurely? I wanted to slow down your raging heart. I loved you for a very long time, Scarlett-"

Now Scarlett began to remember. Yes, she had put all her faith in Rhett. She had been in love with him- his image at least. All along. "That night, I thought you could do anything, Rhett-" she said, sadly. "So, that's why you kissed me- I never realized. I was so blinded by my own vanity that I never realized why-" Scarlett leaned back in shock. "Then that must be why Ashley kissed me too. I'm sorry but I can't help relating you to him. I went to him to find out about how we were going to pay the taxes on Tara and I said all sorts of outrageous things- I believed the things I was saying, not really seeing Ashley for what he was. I guess he must have found my childish faith attractive too- So, then when he looked past me, seeing into something I couldn't see- Why- Ashley couldn't keep up that image. That's what he was trying to tell me. He could no longer go on being the golden-haired, noble, chivalrous Southern gentleman I knew.. I was so blind I couldn't see it. And you could no longer be the varmint after Bonnie's death. My blindness had hurt you too much-"

Rhett shrugged his shoulders.

For the first time, Scarlett understood that she had, in her fantasy, assumed Rhett to be all bad and Ashley to be all good and it was her ardent belief that made both of them fall in love with her. Both of them saw through her childlike blindness and magical thinking but only Rhett fell in love with her mind.

"Then you really do love me..." said Scarlett, breathlessly. "You really do!"


	37. Chapter 37

**Chapter 36**

"Then if you loved me-" continued Scarlett. "Why did you say you stopped loving me? Why did you leave me?"

"I stopped loving you because you stopped loving me. I realized you would always be after Ashley and-"

"I never stopped loving you."

"You didn't call for me when you were sick after falling down the stairs- You stopped believing in me. If you had called me in and even screamed at me.. that I was a varmint and a cad for knocking you down.. even that.. and I would have fallen by your bedside and asked you to forgive me. I would have- But you didn't."

"But I.." Scarlett looked half-bewildered and half-confused as she began recalling those events. Then, her eyes lit up as she remembered with some difficulty exactly what led to her not asking for Rhett. She blushed furiously. "But Rhett, that was after that night we spent together-"

"What night?"

Scarlett blushed again. "The night after Melanie's reception when you.. when we.."

"Yes?"

Scarlett flushed and glared across to Rhett. How could he sit there so calm and collected when the very memory of that shocking night made her feel embarrassed even after so many years!

"Don't you remember how you were and what you did?" she said in a furious whisper.

"Of course I remember. What does that have to do with anything?" replied Rhett, calmly.

Scarlett's lips contorted and curled under irritation at having to relate her feelings. Then she drew closer to Rhett and continued.

"Well, when you were making love to me- what was I doing? Did you notice me at all? Was I making love to you as well? No, I wasn't. I was afraid you were going to kill me. No, stop grinning like a cad. I mean it. I felt so.. so humiliated. And yet.. and yet for the first time in my life, I was happy. It was as if you were breaking me down but I wasn't afraid. Do you see? I couldn't feel so superior to you anymore! And.. Rhett, you don't know how much I suffered during those two days when you were at Belle's. I thought you must be madly in love with me but I couldn't believe it. And then when you didn't come, I wandered everywhere in search of you. I.. I even thought you might be dead somewhere by the side of the road. I really cared, Rhett and I wanted to know if you cared about me. But yes, my vanity was still blinding me that I thought I finally found something to hold over your head. But in truth, I don't think I ever felt so superior after that. And in my mind, there are only two sides - the side on the up or down. And I loathe myself when I am down. You brought me down and I had never felt so unattractive, humbled and afraid all my life.. not even when the Yankees barged into Atlanta. So, after I fell down the stairs, I thought, I'd hurt you so bad, you'd never want me again. I thought you would only laugh at my vanity. I loathed myself then, don't you see."

"I thought you didn't love me. I only wanted to make you see that you were crying for the moon. I wanted for you to stop looking for more. To stop feeling so entitled to everything. You were attaching too much importance to yourself- so uppity. I didn't realize you would take things this way-"

"After you took Bonnie away, I tried to mend things with Wade and Ella. I tried.. I tried my best. But Ella was too flighty and Wade.. he just sits there so shy and awkward, I feel as if I am doing him some strange harm by just asking him to talk to me- And when I found out I was pregnant, I.. I wanted to raise that child properly so that you would be proud of me. I wanted a dark eyed little boy with your handsome looks-"

"You did?" echoed Rhett, looking moved once again.

"Yes. I don't why you couldn't understand. How did you feel when you finally left me? Were you brought down low? Didn't you feel unlovable? When I confessed my love, didn't you reject me? I felt just like that after I fell down the stairs. I felt the same things you felt. But you kept blaming me!"

"Perhaps you are right." agreed Rhett. "Well, let's put the past behind us. We can only move forward from here."


	38. Chapter 38

**Chapter 38**

Scarlett looked surprised when Rhett told her it was past midnight. They had been sitting and talking for so long. And for the first time, the conversation hadn't been entirely about herself. And it hadn't ended in a squabble. They always had so many clever, cutting things to say to each other and amuse themselves over each other's follies that both of them felt a little surprised that they had held a normal conversation between themselves for such a length of time.

"Are you tired?" asked Rhett.

"Yes." replied Scarlett and then she reddened and shook her head. "No. I'm not tired. But I've heard all I wanted to hear about our past. Now I just want to look forward to a fine future with you, Rhett."

They left the low-lit dining room soon after and walked slowly to their cabin. There was a full moon outside and it looked lovely, casting silvery moonbeams across the ship's deck. Once or twice, Scarlett felt Rhett's fingers graze hers as she walked closely beside him. He was striding leisurely but there was a hint of purposefulness and that unmistakable gleam of light in his eyes that Scarlett knew something would happen that night.

"He will make love to me" she thought, waiting for her heart to skip a beat. But a second later, she felt surprised for instead of thrill, she felt calm and happy. She felt happy. She felt happy because Rhett was going to make love to her. "It's as if a whole weight has been taken off my shoulders!" she thought with astonishment at her own calmness. Then feeling a little uneasy, she slipped her arm through Rhett's and smiled into his eyes. He smiled back and grasped her hand in his.

* * *

Even as she slipped into her wrapper and brushed furiously at her hair, thoughts of Rhett kept flooding her mind. She glanced at the closed bathroom door more than once and then feeling a little silly and having nothing to do, she looked at herself in the mirror again. The smiling reflection didn't seem like her at all. The lady in the mirror looked so carefree and satisfied. Suddenly she was reminded of Melly. That shy, timid yet happy look she had on her face that night when Ashley had come home on a furlough.

She was still thinking of Melanie when Rhett stepped out of the bathroom in his robe. He had freshly showered and there was a faint pleasant scent clinging to his muscular brown body. He sat down on an armchair nearby and with eyes full of love, he motioned for her to sit on his lap. She came quickly, her light steps silent on the thick carpet floor.

But no matter how eager she felt, there was a faint hesitance in her manner. Perhaps, she was curious because it was her first time being in love, perhaps she was confused because she didn't know what was expected of her. But that hesitance and that strange look of satisfaction in Rhett's eyes as if he seemed to expect and take delight in it was all she cared to remember for she was worked into the throes of passion with such ardent kissing that gradually grew more and more insistent. A cry escaped her lips as sensation after sensation raced through her body like current. His brown hands were under her wrapper, caressing her soft flesh most tenderly and his lips were whispering such tender sentiments. His breath felt hot in her ears and his moustache ticked as he brushed his lips across the nape of her neck.

She sighed and surrendered, weakly clinging to his bulky frame. She felt safe and wildly alive to every wave of emotion. Her own lithe body shook with pleasure and despite her efforts to summon her senses, her thighs were easily and deliberately parted again. He held her against him, one arm around her waist to keep her from fainting while the other arm exploring and unearthing the most thrilling pleasures. She felt his hard muscles pressing into her and her legs nearly buckled from under her. He carried her to their bed and laid her half across the mattress. Another flood of sensations wracked Scarlett's body and she clutched and clawed at the sheets. Having no outlet to reciprocate her stirring passion, she pressed her lips to a thin line and stifled a breathless sob. Then to her relief, she felt Rhett's warm hands cupping her cheeks and half-rising from the bed, she began to return his kisses with equal passion.

The hesitance had disappeared.


	39. Chapter 39

**Chapter 39**

The next morning when Scarlett awoke, her heart sank for a moment when she whirled around and saw the crumpled pillow by her side. Painful recollections of the last time they had been together quickly stormed Scarlett's mind. But she relaxed when she caught sight of the door open and Rhett, dressed in a clean new shirt and well-tailored pants wheeled in the breakfast cart.

"Up already?" he said with a smile. "Well, I thought I'd set this tray by your bedside and let the smell of fresh coffee and buttered toast wake you-"

"Oh Rhett, you are so sweet!" exclaimed Scarlett, sitting up quickly and leaning forward. "Do leave that thing and come here, darling."

Rhett strode over to her side of the bed and sat down beside her. Scarlett put out her hands and drew his face to hers and kissed him. "All this feels like a dream. Rhett, I want to be good to you. I want to be kind to you. I want to be everything I wasn't for so many years!"

"I'm glad to hear it" he replied, tugging playfully at the curls in her thick, black hair.

Scarlett leaned back into the pillows and entwined her fingers behind her head. "Oh, I know just how it would be. I'll have a new baby and I'll raise it up just right. A little boy, Rhett- and we'd get Wade and Ella and walk arm in arm to our Peachtree house. Of course, the house would have to be altered. I'll tone down the décor. We'll have a lovely place, white marble-stone and elegance in everything. And when we go to church, I'll hold my baby in my own arms and then those old cats will have to sit up and notice me. And you will be there and they will all see how we are still madly in love with each other. And they'd visit me. I know they will. And I'll be kind to them and invite them to circles and do as much good as I possibly can. I want to be so different now." Scarlett giggled. "It must be love. I've never felt this way before-"

Rhett listened to her quietly and said, "Before you get carried away, Scarlett-"

"We should check if the ship's doctor is available. Goodness, I might have to see him-" Scarlett blushed and smiled dreamily.

"Scarlett, before you make your grand plans, let me make it very clear that I do not wish for another child just now-"

Scarlett looked stunned. "What?!" Then she looked angry. Her black eyebrows came rushing together in a dark frown. "Why?!"

"I don't think we are quite ready for another child just yet-"

"Oh!" replied Scarlet, hastily swallowing her anger and trying to look unaffected. But her temper was getting the better of her. She had made such grand plans of using her baby to somehow claw her way back to Atlanta Society. She hadn't counted on hesitancy in Rhett's part.

"Well, then if I should conceive, and have an accident-" continued Scarlett, watching Rhett flinch as she lingered on the word "accident". "-I suppose I should see a doctor and get the thing remov-"

Rhett leaned back, his face blank and stoic. "If you do get pregnant, we shall keep the baby and raise it with love and affection. But I would rather that we didn't have a baby right now."

"A baby would solve everything. People would see-"

"How would you take care of this baby, Scarlett? How would you raise it right?"

"Well, I... I" Scarlett blinked at this unexpected question. "I'd hire better servants and I'll nurse the baby myself and..and-"

"How would you raise it right?" repeated Rhett, patiently.

"I'm sure Mrs. Meade or Mrs. Elsing would help me. I'm sure I'd get someone kind and sweet to..to- Well, great balls of fire, you're there! You love children!"

"Yes, but I can't be blind anymore."

"Blind? What do you mean?"

"When Bonnie died.. Scarlett, I did indulge her too much. She loved me but-" Rhett drew a sharp breath and said, "In her own way, she was spoilt-"

Scarlett hastily tried to dispel the surprise that Rhett had discovered this truth from her eyes but it was too late. "There you think so too" said Rhett, ruefully. "I've been thinking, Scarlett. And I know things now. Wade is a little coward, Ella is easily distracted and Bonnie was headstrong and.. not a good listener-"

"Disobedient", corrected Scarlett. She stared at Rhett in amazement. Something truly remarkable must have happened to him for him to admit so much truth. "I've been helping Ella, Rhett. I bought her a little kitten and she seems to have improved. But Wade.. he won't talk to me. Not like Beau."

"Well, you find a way, Scarlett. Without the glitter and gold. Find a way to show your children that we are ready to love them simply because they exist-"

Scarlett stared at Rhett. She suddenly felt empty and wanting. Rhett was somehow stepping into parts of herself where she had never allowed anyone to affect her before. And it frightened her. Suddenly she knew the only thing to do was to get up and get dressed to one of her Women's rights meetings. Somehow her mind persuaded her this was the only thing to do.

She took away her bedsheet and kicked out her legs.

"Where are you off too?" asked Rhett, watching her face keenly.

"I..I have a meeting to attend to. I forgot it was today."

"Can't it wait? We were have a discussion-"

"There is nothing more to discuss. You said you didn't want to have a baby and that's that. Now its up to me to-"

"Scarlett, won't you tell me why you want this baby so badly?"

Scarlett whirled around in sudden bitterness. " All right, I'll tell you.. damn you.. I need this baby because that's the only way I'll ever look respectable in front of those old cats we'll be meeting in Atlanta. Everyone is going to want to know how we are.. as wife and husband.. how will I ever convince everyone-"

"You can't use people like that, Scarlett-"

"It's just a baby!"

"You can't"

"All right, then I can't" cried Scarlett, hot tears running down her cheeks. She didn't know why. But she couldn't be bull-headed. Rhett might leave her again. This fear made her weak and at that moment, she hated Rhett with all her heart.

But the very next moment she felt Rhett's arms around her. His voice was so kind and soothing. "Just remember it like a rule. You can't use people and ends don't justify the means. I am not saying that I am better than you. But we are the same and we'll work things out together-"


	40. Chapter 40

**Chapter 40**

When the ship docked at Paris, on Scarlett's insistence, Rhett good-humoredly took her to the jeweler's to change her garish wedding ring. "I wanted to tell you before" said Scarlett, picking out a prettier ring with a single, large diamond and placing it on her finger. "I don't know why I didn't. Perhaps I was afraid of your temper. I did feel something for the people of Atlanta. I did realize that such a vulgar looking ring would make them all envious of me and I did want you to get me a simpler one. There! This one looks so much more elegant, doesn't it?"

Rhett bowed to her judgement and took the ring from her hands to the jeweler. Scarlett smiled to herself and self-consciously began preening herself in the nearby mirror. She liked Paris. Although most of what she had seen were the interiors of fancy dress-makers and milliners. But Heavens! What lovely dresses people wore here! Again Scarlett begged Rhett to allow her to burn her locks into little crispy ringlets but Rhett wouldn't hear of it.

But it was then that things began to take a turn. When Scarlett asked when they might be returning to Atlanta and how they were planning to break the news of everyone of their reconciliation, Rhett began to sound indecisive. Scarlett was happy with him so why spoil things and venture into society so quickly? That was his argument.

But Scarlett felt dismayed and stifled. She had an entire array of fashionable suits and dresses and while there were balls and parties to go to in Paris, she felt rather diffident in the French crowd and longed for Atlanta and the more familiar Southern circle. Most French women barred their white bosoms and wore hardly any sleeves at all, showing long white arms encased in delicate gloves. Scarlett was livelier but now and then she detected a look of stern disapproval in Rhett. He was watching her again and curbed any signs of excessive expression in Scarlett.

"But that's silly, Rhett. I've always been lively and vivacious-"

"You certainly held the attention of all the people in the room"

Scarlett laughed scornfully and said through her fluttering black eyelashes. "I never thought you would be so jealous-" But even as she said the words, she felt for the first time, an awareness that she was merely provoking Rhett and that he was right and it was all just an act. A very dramatic act.

And quickly she spiraled into a bout of moodiness and anxiety. Sometimes she came out even more enthusiastic and lively, as if she were trying to escape something that was running behind her and sometimes she lost herself to the mist.

But something was starting to change.

* * *

"She drank poison?" exclaimed Suellen, vigorously wiping her hands on a towel and rushing to Will's side as he read the long letter from Rhett. "I don't believe. Scarlett would never-"

"He found out in time" said Will, frowning to himself. "Thank God for that."

They both jumped at the crash of heavy silverware. Mammy had overheard contents of the letter and she had dropped the heavy plate she had been holding. Her face looked weary and drained. Old Mammy wobbled on her feet and had to be helped into a chair.

"Ma poor lamb" she kept murmuring. "It ain't her fault. Ma poor lamb-"


	41. Chapter 41

**Chapter 41**

Two letters arrived from Suellen a few weeks later. One was addressed to Rhett expressing concern over Scarlett's health and asking when they might all be able to visit her at Atlanta. The other letter was also written by Suellen but they were Mammy's words. Suellen wrote briefly that Mammy was unwell ever since she heard that Scarlett had consumed poison and kept wanting to write a letter. If Rhett were to find the contents disturbing and that it might affect Scarlett adversely, then he was advised to tear it up.

With the greatest curiosity, Rhett began to read the second letter.

"My precious lamb, where's that strength in you that I've always been boasting about? The strength God gave you to bear anything in the world? If your Mammy were younger, she'd hop on a boat and come get you right this minute and chastise you back to good health. But you are in Mist. Rhett's care and I know you're in mighty good hands.

Forgive me for mentioning this, Miss. Scarlett but I just have to talk about Bonnie. Mist. Rhett was always worrying about Bonnie being scared of the dark. Well, it was I that told her that there were monsters and creatures hiding in the dark because the little Miss was always running down the stairs at night and getting into trouble. I wanted Miss. Bonnie to lay down in her bed and get to sleep. But seeing as how this led to a lot of trouble.. Miss. Bonnie crying out and Mist. Rhett always keeping a light on for her. Miss. Bonnie's gone to be with the Lord and I confessed what I'd done to Mist. Rhett. I guess one never knows how a child might take things so seriously.

And now you are doing something like this. So, I've got to get this off my chest. Miss. Scarlett, you were right about your Ma loving her beau before marrying your Pa. It seemed to matter to you before so I want to come right out and tell the truth. Miss. Ellen was upset in the greatest way when her family forbade her to wed that young gentleman and she never wanted anything to do with any of them ever again. And she married Mist. O'Hara because he was a kind man. You know, she was young and had three boys before you.

But your Pa and Ma were not alike. They weren't happy. And your Ma, she could hardly spare the time for you. Mist. O'Hara was always so irresponsible and his ways just plumb drove Miss. Ellen mad. Perhaps, you might have seen that when you were real young.

Anyway, you wasn't throwing tantrums then. But suddenly you were. I told Miss. Ellen again and again that there was something not right but she just said you was lively and full of life. She didn't see what I saw. But I did. I saw that when you was happy, you had to be the happiest in the room and when you was sad, you were the angriest, moodiest child ever. I knew in my heart that you wanted your Ma to see you good and perfect. Maybe that's why you hid everything and looked so sweet and genteel whenever she was around.

I just want you to know that I told you Ma that you weren't really what you appeared like. I mean the way you raised your voice and stomped around to get your way. And there was one other thing I knew but I never told anybody. The first time I saw it, I knew it was wrong. Mist. Gerald leaning upon you plumb swimming in whisky and you just carrying on and nursing his headache as if there was nothing to it. I knew that wasn't the way it was supposed to be. But I had Miss. Ellen to attend to and she didn't very much approve of Irish ways even if Mist. Gerald was a gentleman. I mean the yelling, drinking and the gambling. I don't know what else went on as you grew up but it wasn't right. That's why I always thought you had a lot of strength.

Miss. Scarlett, when you was little, you knew how your Ma and Pa really were and you treated them both differently. And I sure appreciated that. The good Lord blessed you with strength and where is that strength now? You helped us all pull through after the war and save Tara. Now, get up child and be brave. And if anything heavy is dwelling on your mind, then let Mist. Rhett fight for you.


	42. Chapter 42

**Chapter 42**

"Oh Mammy is sweet" said Scarlett, putting down the letter and sighing happily. "They are all worried about me, aren't they, Rhett?" She reached out her hand and Rhett kissed her palm. "I .. I don't know what came over me. I just felt so stifled and tired. And then I just took a little too much of that drug, I guess. And you were so sweet to get so worried and write letters. I though you might have cried."

"I was afraid" agreed Rhett, softly.

"When I'm well again, we can go back to Atlanta, can't we? I can't wait to-"

"Scarlett, you haven't mentioned anything else about this letter."

"What more is there to say. Everything in it is true. Mammy is good as gold in her memories."

"Explain it to me."

"Oh Rhett, I'm so tired."

"Scarlett, just oblige me in this one thing. Do you say that everything in it is true?"

Scarlett sighed again and bit feebly into a piece of dry toast. "Yes, it's true. Why shouldn't it be?"

"You don't seem to feel anything."

Scarlett frowned. "Well, I told you the story time and time again. Mother already loved another man and it was out of kindness or something that she married Pa. Or it was because Pa was a gentleman. I forget. "

Scarlett began to sound vague. "I first thought Mother was Holy Mary, the way she was so pure and gentle."

"But was she kind to your father?"

"Oh yes, Mother loved Pa. Just not for what he actually was. I don't think she knew much." Scarlett laughed a little and then coughed. "Pa was boisterous, so wild and joyful when he was drunk and a good loser at the card table. He was such a child. I don't think he knew that Mother-" Suddenly a look of pain shot across her face. "Me and Pa, we had many agreements. We protected Mother from various things we caught each other doing. As Pa said, Mother was gentle and it might have upset her."

"I drank, gambled and made rows- Bonnie never sheltered me."

"Rhett, this was different."

"How so?" probed Rhett, suddenly looking kind.

Scarlett looked vague once again. "Well, this was.. well, maybe if Bonnie knew-"

"But I didn't let her know."

"Rhett, you could stand a lot of things. You didn't look at me with a childish hope that I loved you. But Pa did. He thought-"

Scarlett stopped, realizing she had contradicted herself. Angrily she sat up and glared. "Well, someone had to help Pa. I couldn't stand to see him.. I couldn't.. it wasn't his fault-"

"So, you kept his secrets."

"It was harmless. Most of them were gambling losses and Pa buying and selling servants and things like that-"

"But did you ever stop to think that they might be too much for a child to carry?"

"I had to do it" cried Scarlett, defiantly. "If I didn't, Mother would know and I couldn't.. I couldn't let it happen-"

"Why not? Let what happen?"

Scarlett's eyes flashed with fury but she couldn't speak anything. She scowled and glared but no words would come. Instead she felt terrified and alone. Rhett was doing something to her again. But she couldn't tell exactly what it was.

"That was your first and last responsibility, wasn't it? Managing your Mother and Father, afraid that they might have fallen out of love over you? And all the vivaciousness, liveliness, even the temper tantrums were all a ploy to get some attention for yourself. I think I finally know what made you, Scarlett. It's all in the details but I know them now."

"I don't think I want to hear it."

"No, Scarlett I think you should." replied Rhett. "When your Mother married your Pa, she probably did it out of some sentiment but she never really liked his Irish ways. She probably looked down on them like her Robillard family."

"That isn't true." lashed Scarlett, wincing under the pain of remembering her Mother blatantly cutting off her Father in the middle of his recital to tell something on her mind. "It.. it isn't true-"

"And you felt more for your Father than your Mother because you were more like him. And you became something like a confidante. Kept his secrets, advised him, cheered him on - everything his own wife should be doing. Yes, I see it now. You learned very early on how to make a man feel comfortable."

"How dare you say such things!"

"What did I say?"

"You make it seem as if I were doing something wrong."

"You are the one looking so guilty right now"

"Responsibility terrifies you, doesn't it?"

"I don't know what you mean"

"I mean, Scarlett, that when you married Charlie Hamilton, you were responsible for his happiness, his child and his home. You are responsible when you decided to drive through Shanty town and nearly got raped. You were responsible when you married me and took me to your Peachtree house. You were responsible when you slammed the door and told me that all physical contact between us was over."

"You were the one who ran to Belle."

"But you should have seen it. You were still responsible."

"What about you? Did you take responsibility when you allowed Bonnie to sit on your lap during those meetings or sleep in the same room."

"I had firm reasons. You simply followed suggestions. You were always so easily convinced. So gullible."

"Rhett, stop talking nonsense and let me be in peace."

"Scarlett, stop running away from yourself. You are so afraid of everyone deserting you that you are unknowingly pushing people away. Perhaps the coquetry and the tantrums are amusing but no one is going to stay watching them forever. Now that you are older, you've got to take on responsibilities. Only then-"

"And get blamed for it. People will always bait you and take advantage and leave you alone." Scarlett looked utterly revolted and shuddered in anger. "If you had any honor left in you, you wouldn't stand there and just talk. You'd say that you'd take care of me. That you'd never allow me to face these things!"


	43. Chapter 43

**Chapter 43**

Scarlett was very cold to Rhett during the next few days of convalescence mainly because the very sight of him infuriated her. Everything he said was true, Scarlett had no trouble admitting it. She was glad that someone finally took the trouble to try and understand her. But with this understanding, she expected Rhett to chivalrously rescue her. But here he was sermonizing.. telling her what she ought to do or not to do. If this was what love was, she was growing tired of it. She wanted so much more. Where was the old Rhett who promised to let her play without a worry in the world?

And all those troublesome memories. Scarlett unwillingly remembered several things because of Rhett's interference. Things she desperately wanted to forget. Of course, she had to protect Pa. They made a pact and they were protecting Mother because she was so very gentle.

But strangely, Scarlett could not find comfort in this explanation anymore. Whenever she smiled to herself saying, "Pa was such a child", a voice in her spoke, "I was a child too" and whenever she firmly stated that her Mother was gentle, a picture of her Mother's bland, humorless face came to her and for some reason filled her with a shock.

She tried to dismiss it. She wanted to flee to Atlanta. But there was no escaping it.

She remembered it all.

 _"Mr. O'Hara , you shouldn't have let her carry drinks to the field-hands. Scarlett is growing up to be a fine lady and ladies of good birth do not carry potions to the household help. Think, Mr. O'Hara, I carry medicines, clothes and food. Shouldn't our daughter do the same? What Scarlett needs during these early years is the company of little girls from the best families in Georgia. There she can learn our way of life."_

 _"Mrs. O'Hara, I do agree. But it is only once in a while that I have asked this child to perform such a duty. I believe Katie Scarlett even wished to carry the drinks, eh Missy?"_

 _Gerald's eyes twinkled. But Scarlett looked uneasy._

 _Scarlett stood, shifting from heel to heel, her pale green eyes fixated on her Mother. She saw a spasm of pain cross her Mother's face and her lips pressing tightly together as she struggled to appear calm._

 _"Perhaps, Mr. O'Hara, you might take Scarlett to the Wilkes plantation tomorrow. She might enjoy the company of India there. India is a sweet, responsible child and I'd like Scarlett to learn from her. You must take more pride and interest in little Scarlett."_

 _"It is immensely proud of her, I am. Why, Mrs. O'Hara, after we lost three boys, surely I might have the freedom to treat Puss like a-"_

 _Ellen abruptly put down her needle work and walked away. Gerald stared after her, his red face usually full of good humor, struggling not to look embarrassed. But Gerald was upset. His heart was too kind and he could understand that his young wife was too gentle to understand Irish ways. He assumed his gruff manner and rose up. He patted Scarlett on her head and set out to drink not seeing the tears that were flowing down the child's eyes. Her Mother did not love her father. There was nothing between them but polite manners and sentiments._

 _Suddenly everything that happened that day, every little thing, tripping over the stile, the weight of the drinks tray, the cold look on Ellen's face.. everything caused Scarlett to drum her heels and scream out in anger. In an instant, Ellen came rushing out with a look of shock and alarm on her face. She instructed Mammy to do something and called out to Scarlett. Gerald came rushing back inside._

 _And there was Ellen, shaken out of her world, gazing down at Scarlett, hushing her, telling her to be calm. Ellen took great pleasure in helping Scarlett._

Scarlett sat up shaking.

Now she was able to understand. Mother liked to comfort and love wild things like her lover Phillippe. And as long as Scarlett exaggerated life and acted wild, she could shake her Mother out of her world and get some kind of love.

But it isn't real. Now Scarlett understood why Rhett had smiled away her fears when he left her the last time. She had said that he was "deserting her" , it was a theatrical accusation.. wildly exaggerated because it always worked with her Mother. And everything else.. thinking Rhett was going to kill her when he made love to her, thinking how piratical, wolfish, he looked when he was only staring at her.. everything was an exaggeration.. a drama that wasn't Scarlett. It was something she learned to do. It worked with her Mother but it did not work with Rhett.


	44. Chapter 44

**Chapter 44**

It was many days later that Scarlett saw Rhett. He had gone away on a country trip on some business deal. The details were vague and there was no definite date when he might return. But he did return and when he bounded up the stairs, Scarlett was feeling well enough to take a seat on the large outdoor veranda and have her breakfast. Scarlett felt angry for being neglected for so long and when she looked up, she half-expected him to greet her with a casual "hello" again. But something of the dramatic lens with which she used to view the world before was fading and the world which was either black or white, was starting to appear in shades of gray.

Rhett - the wolfish grin, the pirate who was looking for a maid to ravage, the heroic blockade runner, the despicable cad - all these colorful phrases seemed silly to her now. Why, he was merely a muscular version of a Charleston gentleman. He looked brown and coarse because he had travelled so much and he was the captain of a ship. Naturally he has to appear strong, confident and brave. But for the first time, she saw him clearly as he was.

Somewhere during their conversation across the breakfast table, she dropped the letter she had been reading from Ashley and questioned,

"Rhett, during all those times we spent together, did you ever tell me how I made you feel? Did you ever share what you enjoyed most of the times we shared?"

"Why talk of those days, Scarlett?" replied Rhett, curious but puzzled.

"You are doing it again!" snapped Scarlett, her eyes flashing and snapping in anger. "Not one word of how I pulled through in the past week. Or even details of where you went! If this is what love is supposed to be, then-"

"You can always go back to Atlanta" said Rhett, suavely.

A wave of shock ran through Scarlett. He hadn't changed at all. He was still somehow hostile to her. Swallowing her fury, she replied, "From now on, you cannot tell me what to do, Rhett. I will decide for myself." She continued in a softer tone. "I always imagined, a man in love to be more honest, humble and kind. You aren't any of these things."

She gazed at him squarely. "I have decided to go back to Atlanta. But its only because of Wade. He is finding things difficult at the school where I put him. Ashley writes to warn me that there might be some kind of trouble brewing between the people managing the school and the boys studying there. I've written to Wade, asking him to come to Aunt Pitty's for a spell. What you said about taking responsibilities.. you're right. I'm not fond of it. I feel trapped. Just how I felt when Dr. Meade saddled me with Melly and her new baby. Now that you know, don't despise me for it because you are the same. Whatever weaknesses you find in me, are also in you, but you have disguised it well."

"When are you leaving?"

"In two days."

Scarlett stood up to go to her room. Then she turned and walked to Rhett. She laid a hand on his shoulder and looked into his black eyes. "Even if you aren't as romantic as I thought you would be and you would probably be running away to various places on business trips, in a way, you opened my eyes to myself and for that I am grateful." Scarlett's voice shook lightly as she concluded, "- and I'm not afraid of you anymore-"

Rhett grasped her hand in his warm hands and kissed it. The look between them showed that for the first time, they were on the same level.


	45. Chapter 45

**Chapter 45**

On her way back to Atlanta, Scarlett was in two minds about her life with Rhett. A part of her wanted to dismiss him as another child clinging to her skirts. Yes, she understood him now. She understood him at last. His weakness wasn't her. His weakness was his inability to appear truly vulnerable. He seemed to be terrified of it, just as much as she was. Perhaps more than her too. This frustrated Scarlett because she had wholly expected to break that cool exterior and reveal a passionate, exciting lover. But if business, diamonds and disappearance was all she was going to get, she didn't care much for Rhett at all. In fact, the very idea of being in love seemed cumbersome and cagey.

But another part of her rose up to condemn her for these thoughts. She had found herself because of Rhett. How could she turn her back on him now? She remembered fondly how he had taught her to examine her Mother's teachings and think for herself what was all right and what was not. She remembered their dance at the Atlanta Ball. How young and vital he had looked then. How powerful and athletic he was- like a panther..

Scarlett instantly shook herself. No, she mustn't exaggerate. Rhett was an ordinary man just like any other man. Everything about him that she had envied and criticized, his brash confidence, intense scrutiny, startlingly frank observations - these qualities seemed admirable now. This was the outer part of Rhett which protected his heart. He had concealed his feelings so well that she doubted if he himself knew what he really wanted. And it was all very beautiful in a way. For once, she was able to stand on the sidelines and consider her love for Rhett calmly and rationally. He had very nearly convinced her that he had left her on the road to Jonesborough to fight the war. For now Scarlett knew that this wasn't the first of his disappearances. During their early courtship (yes, that was what it was, she knew that now) , he had appeared and disappeared several times.

"He must have felt ashamed that he didn't join the men in the war and he didn't want me to see that. So, he ran away."

Now Scarlett could see the pattern. Whenever Rhett felt any threat to his personal vulnerabilities, he ran away. And he gave such confident explanations for it that he himself believed his own lies.

Scarlett suddenly laughed - a short bitter laugh when she remembered how many times he had strictly scolded her to speak the truth. Wasn't he himself being dishonest with his own heart?

But then the image came up of Rhett's face, whenever he came back from his disappearances. That first look. That look said it all. And she had been a fool to miss it. She should have read his eyes. Here was were Scarlett despised herself. how many times she had wondered at the flame behind his coal black eyes. How many times she had wondered why his eyes followed her about. Or that dreadful pause when she was expected to say something but she didn't know what. That was the true Rhett.


	46. Chapter 46

**Chapter 46**

The following week, Scarlett sat in the parlor of her Peachtree mansion reading a letter from Wade's form master outlining the trouble at the school. Evidently Wade had knocked down another boy in his class over some reason which the principal couldn't divulge out of the Wade, the injured boy or the class. And the injured boy was the son of some celebrated military superintendent who demanded that Wade be expelled. Scarlett had read the letter once already at Ashley's house. Her first thoughts were of surprise that Wade could summon enough rage to fell another lad his age. He had always looked so passive and quiet at home. Then she rued that her son should make such a name for himself at such a reputable institution. The fees were expensive and Scarlett wasn't about to let Wade come home so easily. She implored Ashley to talk to Wade when he arrived on suspension and make him go back again. Ashley seemed more concerned with Scarlet's recent mishap with the pills, but he gave his solemn word that he would act upon Scarlett's wishes.

"I simply can't talk to Wade." said Scarlett to Ashley. "I.. I don't think he would talk to me freely anyway-"

"But Scarlett, the situation is different. Wade is in trouble and it is you who must decide-"

"I'll stay in the room. But you talk to him, Ashley. Wade has always liked Melanie a great deal and he thinks highly of you- Make him listen. Make him go back and continue his education. You yourself know the importance of it. I've paid so much for everything."

"I'll see what I can do" replied Ashley, rising from his seat. He walked over to Scarlett and took her hand in his and kissed it. "I'm glad you are safe, Scarlett. I know that you yourself don't want to talk about it but you must know it gave us all a huge scare. And I know it isn't any of my business but I hope Rhett treats you much kinder than before."

"Rhett's been good to me" replied Scarlett, her mood softened by the tender tone in Ashley's voice.

"Shall we see him any time in Atlanta?"

"I suppose he will come in a month or two. And in the meantime, I'll just visit my family at Tara and fix a school for Ella."

"As usual. I am amazed by your strength, Scarlett. So much happens to you but you still carry on, going about your business with just the same vigor, the same interest- You don't sit idly by, waiting for someone to come and lead you along-" Ashley smiled and his pale gray eyes crinkled at the corners very pleasantly. "Put your mind at ease, Scarlett. I'll talk to Wade for you and if you wish it, I'll try to convince him to go back."

* * *

No one other than Aunt Pittypat, Ashley, Will and Suellen visited Scarlett and she didn't expect things to be any different. She had a telegram from Careen about her prayers for Scarlet's good health and a few letters from her women's committee head, Eugenia Ruston who urged her in joining their next movement somewhere in the South of Virginia.

"Miss. Scarlett?" called Pork, cautiously. "Dr. Meade is here to see you."

"Dr. Meade?" echoed Scarlett in surprise. "Show him in, Pork. The parlor room should be ready enough to receive Dr. Meade."

Scarlett made some small repairs to her face and rushed down to meet the doctor. Of all the people to show up at Peachtree mansion! !"

* * *

The tea was served and Dr. Meade sat straight-backed at the edge of the spacious sofa. "Now, Miss.. you know why I had to pay you a visit. "Do you think that I was insensible to the news of you trying to end your life by consuming some dangerous pills?!"

"Oh, Dr. Meade!" cried Scarlett, aghast. "Is that why you look so fierce and uptight? As you can see I am all right now. There is nothing the matter with me-"

"Perhaps so, but I'd like to know what Rhett thought of all this. You did go after him when he left Atlanta, didn't you?"

Scarlett stared at him guardedly. "I might have. Rhett was very happy that I was all right. He will be coming in a month or two and you can ask him yourself."

"I know that you both have been under a lot of stress especially after the death of your beloved child. But Scarlett, there is always hope. Why, look at me and Mrs. Meade. We lost both our boys for the Glorious Cause and though the pain of the sacrifice still tears our hearts, we have made it through the darkness together. And you... I always thought you had a practical, sensible head on your shoulders. Whatever made you think of ending your life?!"

Scarlett had long since resigned to hearing Dr. Meade's talk and to his question, she merely shrugged and gave an uncomfortable smile.


	47. Chapter 47

**Chapter 47**

Scarlett sat waiting for Wade's coach to arrive, her eyes impatiently scanning the driveway. Suddenly a curious sight caught her eye. Mrs. Merriweather and Mrs. Meade were standing on the pavement just outside her house, their hats shaking vigorously in earnest conversation. When Mrs. Merriweather stopped speaking for a moment and gave a long look of distaste towards Peachtree, Scarlett knew they were both talking about her. She drew the curtains and frowned. Dr. Meade must have gossiped about her to everyone by now. The whole town must be agog with news that she, Scarlett had so many troubles in her life and they were probably cheering for her to attempt something so wild again.

In her haste to dismiss her nosy neighbors, Scarlett never considered the possibility that some faithful Southerners of Atlanta had actually changed and were now feeling rather sympathetic toward her. Everyone had decided long ago that Scarlett was a mercenary, a hard-woman who used her charms to get ahead in business and in life - a woman who neglected her family and had soiled her hands in trade. And although not one of them came to console her on the loss of little Bonnie, the latest news that Scarlett had consumed a heavy dosage of pills shocked them. They were determined to stay unmoved in their united hatred when Dr. Meade related his latest news. He portrayed Scarlett as desperate and resigned - and that she had finally obtained enough of a conscience to win her husband's heart. Now, some women seemed forgiving. Especially since the famous affair with Ashley never blossomed into anything scandalous. And with Rhett coming back, even Mrs. Merriweather seemed to consider Scarlett with much less retribution.

* * *

The coach carrying Wade finally drew up the driveway and Scarlett waited anxiously to meet him. Ashley stood by the window and Scarlett sat on a nearby settee. The doors to the room swung open and two tall lads charged in. The boy with the cheerful manner and expansive smile was Beau. He nodded towards his own father and then rushed to Scarlett's side with a "Hello, Aunt!" and dropped a kiss on her cheek. Her own son, now quite tall with very different manners drew up gravely and kissed her as well.

"Wade, how you've grown!" exclaimed Scarlett, unable to hide the surprise in her eyes. Wade was taller than before but the thing that surprised her was, his manners conveyed confidence and he looked and acted like a young gentleman and not a wide-eyed boy. He sat down, very formal in his movements, crossed his legs and waited for the coffee to be poured out. He wasn't afraid to meet his mother's eyes.

"Now mother, I know that the form master had written you a letter outlining everything that happened at school. And I don't know exactly what impression his letter has made on you, but I want to say that I am not sorry for what I did. Andrews had it coming to him. I know his father is a well-known cavalry officer and can exercise control over the school masters but I am no coward, I shall not apologize for what I did."

Scarlett looked at Ashley and Ashley stepped up and said, "The letter didn't tell us everything, Wade. Both I and your Mother have read the contents and the form master has clearly said that he doesn't know why the fight began. So, I think you should tell us why you started the fight-"

Wade's face turned a dull red and he glanced apprehensively at Scarlett. "I don't think I can say that in my Mother's presence. I'm afraid I might hurt her."

Before Scarlett could react, Ashley put an arm about Wade's shoulders and took him into the library. They sat there talking for a long time. When Ashley finally came out, he had motion for Beau to leave them and sat down next to Scarlett.

"Scarlett, this is involving Charles-"

"Charles? What could Wade possibly have-"

"No..no.. That boy Andrews had taunted Wade that his father was a coward and had died of measles. And Wade had retaliated that his father was a great war-hero. Apparently Rhett had told him so. Wade says he only did what was right and defended his father's honor and he would do it again-"

"Oh, damn Rhett!" replied Scarlett, swiftly. "Oh Ashley, tell Wade that he must go back and give up this silly fight. Tell him he is forgetting his duty and-"

Ashley looked extremely uncomfortable. "Scarlett, I can't do that. The boy is speaking out of loyalty and pride and I cannot brashly ignore his feelings. No, you must talk to him-"

"I can't!"

"Scarlett, you can- you are his Mother, he will listen to you-"

"But Charlie did die of measles. Rhett just bluffed to Wade about him being a war-hero-"

"Well, you tell him that."

"I can't." Scarlett looked vexed and angry. "I am not very good at these things."

"Nonsense. Scarlett, you must have known someday that your children will want to talk to you about their fathers. Wade is old enough now to understand things. He is looking for a role-model and he is longing for his father. If Melanie were alive, she might help him. But it is not to be therefore you must talk to him."

"What will I say?"

"Tell him about Charles. This is the time, that boy needs to hear about his father."

Scarlett sullenly stood up and walked to the library room. She slowly opened the door and stepped inside.


	48. Chapter 48

**Chapter 48**

As soon as Scarlett stepped through the library door, Wade shot up to his feet and nodded, "Mother". Scarlett was instantly put off by his excessive formality and had to suppress the urge to tick him off.

"Wade, honey, you don't have to-." Scarlett gave an exasperated sigh. "Wade, sit down."

She sat down on the sofa before him, unsure of what to say. Rhett had always handled these things with the children. If he was here, he would say something- But they were in this muddle because of Rhett-

Scarlett sighed and said, "Wade, what that boy say about your father was the truth. Charles Hamilton did die of measles and pneumonia. He never saw the light of battle and Melanie kept his things safe until the day we fled from Atlanta.

Scarlett saw her son's lip twitch faintly. He rose up and walked to the window. He stood there for a long time. When he turned, he sounded a little breathless. "But Uncle Rhett said that-"

"Rhett just made up a story about your father so that you would be proud of him. How could he have known- he himself went to war only in the end-"

Wade looked utterly dejected. But he quickly recovered himself and pushed his hands into his pockets. "I guess I'll have to go back and apologize to Andrews."

He turned to leave the room. Scarlett anxiously put out her hand and stopped him. "Wade, I'm glad you have decided to go back. I...I know its the right thing to do. Now, don't you want to tell me how the school is? Do you have friends there? Sit down and talk, Wade."

Now the unpleasant matters were finished, Scarlett was in the mood for a talk with Wade. But Wade disinterestedly shook his head. "There is nothing there to tell that I didn't convey in my letters, Mother."

"But Wade-" pressed Scarlett, hurt by her son's aloofness. "I wish you wouldn't avoid me so-"

Wade slowly disentangled his Mother's fingers and walked to the door. But as he turned the knob, Scarlett said,

"You can bear the news, Wade. You don't have to pretend that your feelings were hurt. After all several young men die of poor living conditions and starvation. And if your father did die of measles, I don't see why you should be any less proud of him!"

"I am proud of my father."

"Then why do you look so sullen?"

"Mother please!"

Wade slipped out through the door and walked away quickly before Scarlett could call out to him. She looked utterly bewildered.


	49. Chapter 49

**Chapter 49**

For a moment Scarlett felt as if Wade had deliberately pulled something hard and solid under her and made her stumble. As if she knew all along that he would do it and seemed to take pleasure in it. She felt confused yet bewildered and anger was quickly over-taking her senses. Angry tears seemed to prick her eye-lids and an air of desperation seemed to settle heavily upon her.

"Why he is just as hurtful as Rhett" she realized, wondering at the cruel aching of her heart. Finally tears began to choke her as she stumbled to the nearest sofa and sat down. She wanted to shake this away. There were several things she could do instead of worry after her own boy - she always had plenty of things to do.. But for once she couldn't think of anything. And she loathed herself just then. And somehow she blamed Rhett for everything.

When Ashley came looking for her, she sat aloof, staring at the window. "Well, how did the talk go? I saw Wade down the hallway and he seemed allright-"

"All right!", exclaimed Scarlett, scornfully. "Of course he is all right. Oh Ashley, he wouldn't talk to me about anything. I've tried to be kind to him but he shudders if even come close to him or try to be friendly. It is as if my presence disgusts him in some way-"

"Scarlett!" cried Ashley, his grey eyes running together in a stern frown. "Don't say such things."

"Well, its true... it's true!" replied Scarlett, emphatically. "If.. If Wade only knew how much Rhett has tormented me. I tell you I can't stand it! It is as if all the men I love have decided to gang up on me and avoid me.. and I can't go on like this. I'd rather die!"

Ashley came up quickly and caught her in his arms in horror. Scarlett wept for a long time, feeling more foolish and ashamed although he couldn't think why. Finally Ashley spoke, "Scarlett, you were always so brave and strong. But something has changed you. Now darling, tell me.. what has Rhett done? Why has he made you so anxious? If he has mistreated you in any way-"

"No.. it isn't what he has done. It is what he hasn't done. He wants me to be near him but he is just as mysterious now as ever and he keeps telling me what to do. It is as if someone forces a box open with so much interest and urgency and then refuses to look inside-"

Ashley smiled at this. "Oh Scarlett.. don't you realize that Rhett might be afraid too? Most men are afraid to show their vulnerabilities-"

"But you aren't like that, Ashley-"

"No I am not. But being led easily isn't an asset either-"

Scarlett jumped back in surprise. "Yes, I know. That is exactly what I feel. I feel that I am being led around by Rhett and now Wade. As if everyone holds the power and are much stronger than me-"

Ashley smiled again. Scarlett still looked shocked. "You feel this too?"

"Scarlett, this isn't a unique feeling." Ashley looked surprised now at Scarlett's naivety. "Now, coming to Wade, I think you have taken his silence as some sort of rejection of your love. But I'm sure it is not. It is this rejection that is causing you to feel unpleasant things."

Scarlett's brow cleared as she realized there was someone who could understand her. She felt a rush of relief. "I have never felt this way before."

"That is because you've always thought like a man before. We men may look strong on the outside but not all of us are strong inside. And when there is any threat to our heart, we tend to shun the people around us and throw ourselves into work or some other occupation."

"Yes, I was like that. I kept myself so busy after the war."

"Yes, that attitude served you well. It helped you survive. But now when you want to pursue love, you can no longer think like a man and be satisfied."

"Its true." agreed Scarlett. "But there is so much pain. Sometimes I feel I'd die."

"You won't die, Scarlett. But for goodness sake don't dwell on the pain either. Frankly I am not very good at these things."

"Melanie would have known what to do-"

"Yes she would have" said Ashley, ruefully. He released Scarlett and followed her to the settee. "But tell me.. what did you tell Wade?"

"I told him the truth. No sense in molly-coddling him. Is it my fault that his father died before he could see the light of battle?"

"No it is not. But Scarlett, the boy is at a tender age when he wants a man to be his role-model. Till now he wouldn't have yearned so much for his father but now, when he is between boyhood and becoming a young man, he is searching for someone to emulate. And perhaps your abrupt revelation of the truth hurt his pride."

"But why do men make such a fuss over these things? What does it matter if Charlie died a weakling?!" murmured Scarlett, crossly.

"Perhaps that is what Wade doesn't want to be. I don't know what is in his heart or his troubles. But if he does have troubles, you must guide him, Scarlett. You cannot drive him around like a child because he isn't one anymore."

"What if I told him all about Rhett's cruel behaviour and how hurt I am and how lonely-"

"Then he would be obligated to love you out of fear. That would make him a true weakling-"

"Then what must I do?"

"Perhaps you could balance things but speaking appreciatively about Charlie's good nature. Wade might like to hear that."

"I was married to Charles only for two months."

"Why not let Pittypat talk to Wade?"

"Aunt Pitty?" grinned Scarlett, despite her low spirits. "I doubt Wade would take her seriously."

"All right then, what about your other friends?"

"Oh I miss Melanie so!"

"Someone like Melanie?"

"You mean.. Oh no, I couldn't!" Scarlett's face reddened. "Women don't generally like me."

"What a fantastic thing to say!" replied Ashley, looking once again in surprise at her naivety. "Now I am only suggesting this because you have a problem of talking to your son. And a woman is ten times better than any man when dealing with matters of the heart. And you had better pick a confidant, Scarlett. It would do you a world of good!"


	50. Chapter 50

**Chapter 50**

Scarlett sat in a dingy yet tidy parlor room of the Elsings newly renovated house. Across the table sat Fanny Elsing and beside her was her son, Joe. Fanny looked plain and unattractive in her severe, black, matronly clothes but her face carried a gentle firmness which had grown and matured over life's weary troubles. Scarlett had accosted Mrs. Elsing by the wayside that morning and inquired at long-length about the family. She was delighted to find a changed attitude in Mrs. Elsing when the latter invited her over for tea. Mrs. Elsing had loved Melanie Wilkes and it was out loyalty that she had been one among the three to inform Melanie of Scarlett's treachery. But she had half-repented when Melanie herself had defended Scarlett with admirable vehemence and after months of waiting and seeing no hints of scandal between Ashley and Scarlett, Mrs. Elsing began to doubt her own ideas. Perhaps Scarlett was truly innocent. And now the latest news from Dr. Meade had cut deeper inroads to her conscience. Therefore when Scarlett approached her that morning, she decided to give her the benefit of the doubt and invited her home.

Scarlett decided that Fanny Elsing had faced a situation similar to her's - losing a husband she barely knew in an untimely manner and having a child to explain it to. Joe seemed an average boy, not good-looking but tall for his age. He wasn't weak-faced like Hugh. His manners were friendly and he seemed affectionate towards his mother. After tea, he left with his friends and Mrs. Elsing retired to a corner with her knitting.

Now Scarlett ventured to speak of her recent dilemma.

"I know I've spoken a lot about Wade over tea but there is something more.. A crisis .. that I didn't mention.. -" Scarlett hesitated and stopped. She stared into Fanny's eyes trying to detect any signs of contempt or indifference for her. She couldn't find any but still she felt distrustful.

"Wade is at a trying age-" offered Fanny, hoping to smooth over the awkwardness in Scarlett's words.

"Yes. Yes, that's right." agreed Scarlett, eagerly. "But you know, we weren't raised like this. No matter what troubles we faced, we always behaved respectfully and lovingly to our parents."

"Yes?"

"But children nowadays-"

"Had Wade been disrespectful?" inquired Fanny, curiously.

"No. But he is unduly upset over a small issue. He had a boyish notion that his father was a great war hero and over some silly squabble at school, he beat up another boy and got suspended. Of course I set him straight and he is angry with me. It isn't my fault-"

"Oh but you were kind to him?" asked Fanny, quickly. "You did tell him you understood his disappointment?"

"No"

"Why?"

"It might spoil him. My mother never mollycoddled me like that. Why I hardly ever shared my real troubles-"

"Yes, but Scarlett it is different with boys. Now when Tommy died, Joe was a baby. And by the age of four or five, he was wondering about his Daddy and I kept saying this and that - hoping to put away uncomfortable feelings. But just last month, he wanted to know all about his father's death and I went about it like this. I helped him understand that I knew what it must feel like to grow up without a father. Then I explained how he died. And why it was important to him to risk his life. And whatever little memories I shared with Tommy during our brief married life."

"But is all this really necessary?"

"Of course!"

"Why?"

"Scarlett! How else can your child overcome his sadness?"

"But my Mother never did anything like this. Atleast not when I've been really naughty-"

"This isn't naughtiness" smiled Fanny, despite her grave manner. "The work of discovering thoughts and feelings is real work too. If we don't spend time on it, it might never get resolved. How did you overcome your grief? Your own parents-"

"I never thought about it." replied Scarlett, looking extremely uncomfortable all of a sudden. "I worked and supported everyone-"

Fanny looked surprised and then embarrassed. "I see" she said, softly.

There was an awkward pause.

"If you don't take steps to overcome your grief, it will affect your health, Scarlett" said Fanny, finally. "And as for Wade, be kind to him.. just as you are kind to yourself. I'm sure things will change."

* * *

It was several months after which Scarlett finally summoned the courage to write to Wade.

 _"Dear Wade,_

 _I know that you must be upset over the words I said about your father. I realize now that I might have been kinder when I spoke to you._

 _I married Charles when I was only sixteen and it was only a few weeks before the war. And Charlie was so young and handsome. He was kind to me in a trusting way.. And I agreed to marry him. My own parents thought highly of the Wilkes family. And in a very short time, Charlie died. And I too felt at that time that it would have been more satisfactory if Charlie had died from battle scars and not something so simple as measles. But he was a brave man. And he always wrote lovely letters home._

 _Did you know he wanted children and to live in a beautiful home? He was full of dreams and ideals._

 _He wasn't afraid of the Yankees. Ask Uncle Rhett.. he would tell you about Charlie Hamilton nearly duelling with him over the honour of the Great Cause._

 _So, his blood runs in your veins and even if he isn't here, you can still find strength in yourself."_


	51. Chapter 51

**Chapter 51**

Scarlett's feelings towards Rhett seemed to change once again. The town of Atlanta wasn't as unmoving and judgmental as he had prophesized it would be. Yes, none of the good families of Atlanta visited her but she was most welcome into the homes of many such families. After Scarlett had left the Elsings house, Fanny seemed touched by her naive questions so much so that she hinted around to her friends that Scarlett had come down from her arrogance and was really sincere about her own family. Her fretting worry over Wade touched the hearts of some women while the older matrons gruffly admitted that it was the right thing to do.

Good people forgave easily. They never harbored ill feelings for very long. So, Scarlett was free to visit them any day she liked.

Scarlett felt a mix of anger and frustration when she thought how much she had relied on Rhett's proud arrogance. How he had boasted that he could read every woman's heart and how they all bored him with their predictability. Why, these very same women were kind and extremely understanding. And the more she mingled with them, the more relieved she felt. But she also wondered at the strong wall Rhett had managed to build around himself. And she felt sorry for him.

But sometimes late into the night, she lay awake remembering Rhett's coal black eyes following her every move during the first weeks of their marriage. And him tickling her feet or sharing some perverse story. They were all cues, Rhett's cues which she had been ignorant to. When she thought of the heart behind those gestures, tears pricked her eyes. And she wanted to see Rhett more than ever for it had been months since she had last seen him.

* * *

Scarlett did see Rhett. And coincidentally it was at a charity ball in Atlanta. Now surround by few of her friends, Scarlett dressed in a chic yet demure gown was chatting when her eyes caught the sight of a tall, dark man with an easy, powerful gait of a panther enter the hall.

"Rhett!" she cried in happy surprise. She instantly excused herself from her group and walked as fast as her tall heels would permit her to Rhett Butler. But the moment she neared him, that old childish look of ecstasy and coy delight vanished and a genuine warmth lighted her face. She checked her steps and even calmed her racing heart. "I mustn't scare him away!" she thought.

"Hello" she said, in an absurdly casual tone of voice.

"Hello" replied Rhett, his eyes meeting hers and trying to read her expression. "Scarlett what are you doing here, surrounded by your friends? I thought you were fairly ostracized!"

Scarlett would have returned an angry retort but she caught herself. "I discussed Wade with Fanny and she was good enough to think kindly of me. She has forgiven and forgotten any wrong I might have done and so have the others. Of course I don't tell them everything but I find them very understanding and sweet-"

"I see."

There was a brief silence as Rhett gazed at her from top to toe and then diverted his gaze to the dancers. Normally Scarlett would have chatted gaily and after snapping at him for his thoughtlessness, would have taken his arm and dragged him to the dances. But now she thought for a moment and asked,

"Did you just now arrive to town, Rhett?"

"I got down from the train and went to the house. Pork took my bags and I rode the coach to the hall."

"Oh, then you must have something to eat. You must be hungry-"

"No, that's allright.", said Rhett, mildly surprised.

"I'll fetch you coffee-"

"I don't think they serve coffee here-" said Rhett with a laugh.

"No, I saw Mrs. Meade pour some out of her flask." Scarlett flitted across the hallway and came back with a steaming cup in her hand. "There you are, honey-"

"You are very sweet this evening." said Rhett, taking the cup from her hand and sipping its hot contents. "As a matter of fact, I was having quite a headache from the travel-"

"Then we will leave home early?"

"Considerate and sweet. You must have missed me very much-"

"Oh Rhett" replied Scarlett. "I missed you terribly. Did you miss me?"

Rhett looked at her but he did not reply to her question.


	52. Chapter 52

**Chapter 52**

Rhett stood conversing with Dr. Meade for over a half-hour when the dances were going on. Scarlett sat on the other side, her eyes frequently falling on Rhett's handsome figure, hoping he would see her and growing frantic when he didn't. When she prided herself on giving Rhett some freedom to mingle with his friends, she didn't think he would abandon her altogether. Her breaths came short and she wished heartily that the ground would open up and swallow Dr. Meade.

"No, I mustn't think this way. I am not deserted." she muttered under breath. She breathed deeply and recovered her charm. And just in time for it was the last dance and Rhett was finally advancing down the floor. Scarlett met him half-way and they began to dance.

"Isn't this lovely?" asked Scarlett, smiling into Rhett's eyes. He smiled too.

"Rhett, could I borrow five hundred dollars?"

"Why, Mrs. Butler, you have never asked permission these past few years to touch my money. It has always been yours to spend-"

"Yes, but I wanted to tell you-" Scarlett looked hesitant. "I want to show you that I can be a good investment-"

Rhett laughed in surprise and contempt. "Scarlett, I know what lies beyond this little hill. I've become familiar with it and I will not risk my feelings again."

"Don't you want to know how I am planning to spend it?"

"No doubt on some expensive amusement or something for Tara."

"No, it isn't"

"Scarlett, I don't give a damn what you do with the money."

The dance ended. It was the last dance and after a brief speech from one of the elderly gentlemen presiding over the ball, the crowds dispersed for dinner.

* * *

It was dark when Scarlett alighted from the coach and walked alongside Rhett across the lawns to their mansion. Rhett commented on the tidiness of the gardens and the renovations inside. But it was done with a carefully-maintained disinterested air.

"Rhett, do let me tell you what I plan to do-" ventured Scarlett, quietly. "I'm not expecting anything from you. But you must care.. even if it just a little- I am planning to attend some classes. The woman's rights committee advocates for women to be educated and take up careers previously reserved for men. And I decided to educate myself."

"How?" asked Rhett, curious, despite himself.

"Well, I do like arithmetic and since I know something about business, I thought-"

"Yes?"

"Well, one of women were saying how much arithmetic is applied in plotting routes and buying merchandise according to demand-"

Rhett nodded very seriously. "Yes, that's an excellent idea but don't take it into your head that you were wildly successful in business. Some of your "business" tactics have been to bat your lovely eye-lashes and hire convicts as cheap labour-"

Scarlett blushed a deep shade of red. "I suppose you will never let me forget the things I did-"

"Never."

"Must I always be at your mercy, Rhett?" asked Scarlett, gazing mesmerizingly through her gleaming green eyes. "If I could forget how many times you rushed to Belle Watling, surely you could forget my foolishness?"

Rhett muttered something to himself but Scarlett pressed on. "I am not trying to charm you or hurt you. But if you were so afraid of me that you had to run to Belle then know that I carried the same fear when I ventured into business. From the start I've admired and envied you. You with your contempt, your arrogant self-confidence.. I was interested in your friends because I envied their freedom and their brains. I assumed they all had good business sense. And I never told you this but Johnnie Gallager threatened to quit when I questioned his treatment of the convicts. And I was afraid that I would lose him. And I turned a blind eye to his management. If I was hard-hearted, it was because I was afraid too."

"What do you want from me, Scarlett?"

"I want you to care. I don't mean I am going to hold the whip-hand or.. I don't mean that. I am going to be responsible now. But I want you to care about me."

"I don't know if I can" replied Rhett, looking away. "I risked my heart twice-"

"I didn't know myself then." said Scarlett. "But I do now. I'm not asking much Rhett. But just a question once in a while or a gesture... without sarcasm. Someday when I enter the drawing room and you look up from your book and say, "How are you, Scarlett. I hope you had a fine day" or "You look bewitching in your new gown, darling-"

"I was like that once-"

"I know and I neglected you. But this is what life is Rhett. Nobody is without faults. And I have mine. And the person who has been patient, unafraid of my tantrums or swayed by my charms has been you and now I want to return the favour. If you go on avoiding people, you may be the smartest man in the world but you wont be the happiest one. Rhett, there isn't any victory in walking away from people just because they aren't ideal-"

Rhett slowly nodded and Scarlett once again saw a child-like trust appear in his eyes for just a fleeting moment. She looked up and felt for the first time that they had made a distinct connection.


	53. Chapter 53

**Chapter 53**

"You once said" continued Scarlett, taking steps across the lawns alongside Rhett and advancing towards the rusty gazebo. "-that I had changed after the war. I did think about that. Rhett, if you think that I like holding the whip-hand and that I have the power to catch any man I want- and if you are still afraid of me, then-" She broke away to wipe the dots of perspiration on her face.

Rhett took her hands. "Your hands are shaking-"

"Yes, yes.. I know" mumbled Scarlett, breaking into an awkward laugh. "Rhett, if you are still afraid, then look at my world. You see a vivacious, willful person before you but after all these years of knowing me, my world has remained the same." Scarlett seemed to talk slowly, bitterly.. as if all her feelings came rushing out from a bursting dam and everything sounded so incongruous." I... I did not study at West Point, I didn't understand much of anything except a little arithmetic, I am not an experienced shooter, I can't even tell which fabrics to choose or how a lobster should be cooked, I-.. I would have liked to do all those things.. just like a man.. I had the guts for it.. but I didn't. I was too afraid. Too afraid to look past Twelve Oaks, too afraid to really learn something worthwhile- And my world of elegant jewellery, fine dresses and gourmet meals stayed small and unchanged."

Scarlett was trembling with emotion and Rhett looked as surprised as he looked when Atlanta was burning and Scarlett O'Hara wanted to go home. He reluctantly drew her to him.

"Every other woman is happy with her lot-" said Scarlett, her voice coming in sobs. "But I never was. I was different. And as a child, I knew my Mother wouldn't help me explore myself. I knew I would hurt her if I did. I knew I was bad. And when she taught me to slow my steps, I did, to wait my turn in a conversation, I did, to be sweet and put on so many airs and graces, I did- And I did it proudly even though parts of me died with each teaching-"

Scarlett's shoulders shook so much that Rhett embraced her tightly to himself.

"And Tara was everything. And Mother was the fount of wisdom. A pillar of strength against my wildness. But when the war came, she died. And suddenly everything wise and secure about my world was gone. But the biggest, strangest truth is.. I never cried when I heard the news. I never cried-"

"Scarlett-"

"I feel angry, I feel sad and confused.. and I couldn't believe how anyone could love me for my shallow self, adjusted to please my Mother and not really alive. She was never with me when I wanted to explore myself - my feelings, my adventures, my thoughts - I was alone and I thought it was because I was bad. And when everyone began to turn to me, saying "We're hungry... we're hungry", I was scared.. not because of people.. but because I had to work out in the fields-"

Scarlett's voice was choked with sobbing once again.

"And all the time, I think to myself.. if only Mother had taught me all these practical things.. if only- And it was all frightening and nerve-wracking- And you made fun of my calloused hands-"

Rhett very seriously picked up her hands and kissed them and Scarlett laughed through her tears. "And my heart hardened- I knew now that I had to survive and do whatever it takes to make enough money for everyone. And I learned to drive a carriage, to work in spite of my pregnancy, to run mills and a store- even if I wasn't doing things as well as you.. All you saw then was a charmer and a scheming, unscrupulous woman, but Rhett I was as terrified as you when you wanted to be close to me. And I soothed myself with thoughts of Ashley. I thought he was in love with me. When he said I was full of life and passionate, I thought, "Here is a man who will be with me.. who will hold my hand and help me explore myself- But Ashley let me down every time. He was in love with the idea of a gentleman but he wasn't a gentleman. He is in love with his fading world. He never saw me.. or loved me. And when I finally saw this.. how he had never even told Melly how much he loved her, I knew I could not love him. And then I realized that you- behind your cynicism and your self-righteous statements- you had stayed with me through everything- even when I foolishly got entangled with Ashley during his reception and you made me face Atlanta society- you loved me and it took me so long to realize that. You have been my teacher, my friend and-"

Scarlett gazed up into Rhett's eyes. "Rhett, are you still afraid of me?"

Rhett thought for a moment and then he shook his head. "No."

"Do you love me?"

"I have always loved you and I always will. I have never seen a girl like you. So full of life and trapped by society and your very family who should have stuck with you no matter what- When I saw you for the first time, just by the look in your green eyes, I knew I had found my equal. If we both have been selfish and unscrupulous, why shouldn't we? We have given up so many parts of ourselves for our damn Society, haven't we? We have nothing for it except piles of money but what good is money when we are so afraid all the time? Well, I know I have been brazen and rough with you. But as much as I admired you, I envied you for takin on so many people. When you worked at the hospital or even when you defended your precious Tara.. I know I was cynical and sarcastic but I could never do even so much. I do't get attached to things or people very easily, Scarlett. Its what got me into trouble all my life. People think he doesn't have a heart or he is too arrogant to care.. but I've cared. I just never showed it. And frankly people's stupidity.. I've always blamed other people. I don't trust people.. except whores and crooks.. at least they are reliable. I thought that there was nothing good in the world. That this was Hell and I was unworthy to attract any kind and understanding woman."

"Instead you attracted me?" said Scarlett, wiping her eyes on a hand-kerchief and smiling.

"You have been kind and understanding today.. if not to me.. to yourself.."

"Yes. I like myself now. Rhett, do you want to walk to the house?"

"No. The night air is warm enough. Let's sit down here in your steel cage-"

"Gazebo."

"If you say so."


	54. Chapter 54

**Chapter 54**

They sat for the long while, just listening to the peace and quiet and watching the tall bushes swaying in the night air. After a while, Scarlett turned her eyes towards Rhett once again and spoke softly.

"Rhett, now that I know myself, I do understand you too."

She gazed meaningfully at Rhett but her look seemed to be unnoticed by him. "Oh?" he said, nonchalantly. "What do you mean?"

"It happened so many months back. You remember.. when Wade had some trouble at school?"

"Yes?"

"Remember how you always said that I had taken the spirit out of Wade and that he was too frightened for many things. Well, I finally understood that. And I guessed that you and Wade were somehow alike-"

"I don't understand. What did happen to Wade?"

"Wade got into some trouble when another boy said that Charles Hamilton had died of measles and not as a war-hero as Wade had believed. And when Wade came home, I talked sense into him and set him straight. But he wouldn't talk to me at all. And after a few months, I wrote him a long letter telling Wade what I knew about Charles and you wouldn't believe it, Rhett.. But Wade sent me a very affectionate letter telling me how grateful he was that I had wrote about my feelings and that he felt lonely at school and wanted to fit in. Wade asked for his own horse and a servant to tend to it but I deferred that request. And we kept corresponding until one day the letters stopped coming. And just as mysteriously as they stopped, they began to come once again but after nearly several months time. The last we wrote about was about the war. War was always Wade's favourite topic. And when he spoke about his fears-"

Scarlett turned to Rhett and looked at him squarely in the eyes. "Rhett, I know what I did wrong with Wade. You know I never took very good care of him as a baby and you and Melly handled Wade much better than I ever could. But during the war, Wade was frightened and he would keep running to me and clinging to my skirts and I would be equally terrified and I'd pull him away and tell him to go play or else I'd spank him. I didn't mean to be this way but I couldn't.. there was nothing I could have done any different. So, I think Wade grew up afraid to be alone and yet afraid of being close too- And as I read those letters I knew that my boy didn't attend school to learn but to fit in. And he is really a nice boy even if he runs away sometimes. And now I understand you too. I know that you chose to love me because you were afraid of being lonely and I know that you keep leaving when you see me coming close to you because you are afraid to feel."

Rhett shifted a little in his seat and his head bent down only faintly but Scarlett's heart was racing. "Rhett, I love both your selves. Even if they were at first very confusing. Remember, during our honeymoon, you would be so gentle one moment and then so rude and conceited the next, so attentive at one moment and so distant the next, so easy-going at one moment and so critical and rigid the next.. Darling, I do see you. And I do believe now that you showed genuine affection.. even if you were terribly cruel the next. If I hadn't been so anxious and ashamed of myself I would have seen you a long time ago. But I do see you now.."

Rhett stared for a long time at the house and then very briefly looked at Scarlett before averting his eyes. In that fleeting second, Scarlett knew she had hit on the truth and she felt happy and terrified.

"That green bonnet you bought for me- and boasted that you remembered what color my eyes were- that was real love, wasn't it?" Scarlett reached out and pulled Rhett's face to her side. His eyes stared back at her, intense and guarded.

Scarlett swallowed. "It was." Her hand seemed to turn to ice and she leaned back upset and yet touch by the fragility of Rhett's love. "And then you left-"

"Because you spoke about Ashley-"

"No." said Scarlett, gently. "You left because you were afraid to tell me your feelings."

Rhett did not reply but he sighed softly to himself.

"You can't understand yourself too, can you?" said Scarlett. "You can't understand why you seem to want me at one time and reject me the next."

"I was afraid you would make me jump through your hoops-"

"But did I ever?"

"No."

Scarlett bent her neck and said, "Rhett look at me. Only look at me-"

Rhett turned to her reluctantly and she gazed into his eyes unafraid and full of kindness and he immediately grew uncomfortable and rose to his feet. He felt Scarlett's arms wrapping around him from behind. "I do love you. And I am just as afraid as you are. And if I hurt you before, it was because I was sick with worry. But I am not worried now. Rhett, I love you so much, I wish I could reach into you and wipe away all the hurts you've had in your life-"

"I am no saint!" came the curt reply.

"You don't have to be. But you know what love is. And I love you now, Rhett Butler."


	55. Chapter 55

**Chapter 55**

When Rhett finally looked at Scarlett, he looked calm. He even gave a faint, genuine smile. Scarlett blushed, wondering why she felt as if she was falling in love with Rhett for the very first time. How wonderful it felt to talk to Rhett without succumbing to a burst of emotions. Scarlett felt free at last.

"Shall we go into the house?" she asked, with fresh energy at having conquered her demons.

"Yes. But I'm leaving Scarlett." replied Rhett, slowly. "I really intended to stay only the day. I have business matters to attend to."

Scarlett looked crestfallen. She had done everything right. She couldn't believe Rhett was leaving again. "But why won't you stay the night? Pork has your room all ready."

"My own room-"

"Of course if you wanted to stay with me-"

Rhett shook his head. It came in a jerking, awkward movement so Scarlett guessed he must be lying. "No. I.." He took Scarlett's hand in his. "I am grateful to hear you say these words. But Scarlett, if I gave you too much hope, you might loathe me in the morning. It is better that I leave. I'll come back when my business-" His words faded in a soft sigh.

Scarlett swallowed her growing disappointment and nodded in acquiescence. The fear that he was deserting her again threatened to wring her neck but she kept breathing hard. "Rhett, is it because of Bonnie that you don't want to enter the house?"

Rhett shook his head awkwardly once again. But Scarlett saw him cringe a little. "Rhett I know I accused you of killing Bonnie.. but if you just let me explain. You.. you did everything just right for Bonnie but you were afraid of her strong willfullness and her loud tantrums and you gave in too easily. She had you around her little finger- And you were so keen on her riding that pony that you relied too much on your own overblown sense of independence. Which gentleman teaches his daughter to jump over hurdles at such a young age? You were so anxious to make her fit in with the best families in Atlanta that you were bordering on being reckless.. Rhett, you really weren't as strong.. you were independent too early in your own life that you really didn't know how to handle Bonnie.. And that is what I meant. But I know that I neglected Bonnie and I didn't understand her as well as you. I said those words out of anger because my little girl was dead. I too miss her pattering feet, her loud voice demanding something or the other from the servants and her pretty brown curls. Rhett, I miss her so much. She was such a lovely little girl."

"Oh but she loved me, Scarlett" replied Rhett, sadly. "She screamed and cried with everyone else but she knew I couldn't bear it so she would be kind to me. She listened to me.. even if.. she made me feel so important and adequate-"

"I'll listen too- you've always been an excellent provider- "

"I.. No, you can't. You look calm now and very, very sweet but-"

"Rhett, I can't convince you to trust me." said Scarlett, sadly. "But if Bonnie were in heaven now and looking down at you, do you think she would be happy seeing you loathing yourself and unforgiving towards me? Do you think this is what Bonnie would have wanted?"

Rhett shook his head mutely.

"Then forgive me. And we will start afresh. Rhett, this time I'll be involved and responsible. I-" Scarlett suddenly looked grim as an idea struck her. "Rhett, if I can find the courage to give up Tara, will you find the courage to have another child again?"

Rhett looked surprised and then very serious. "Do you mean that, Scarlett? I know that if you did that, you would really mean your words.."

"Yes. I mean it."

"But you love Tara."

"I still do. But Tara is all it can be for now and I do so want to see so much more of the world. We have made so many deals before, Rhett. They were all phony. Now let's make a real one.. for ourselves."

"I need time to think" replied Rhett and he walked away a few steps. Then at the very end of the lawns, he turned and looked back at Scarlett and taking long strides across the grass, he came back and holding her face in his hands, he kissed her.


	56. Chapter 56

**Chapter 56**

Scarlett rubbed some scented lotion in her skin and watched Rhett as he walked across the room, getting ready for the night. This time she was in control of herself, she could read Rhett's face better and she could see that Rhett wasn't conceited or arrogant, now that they were planning to sleep in the same room. He actually looked as if he liked the idea of sharing a bed with her again. Just then he smiled and Scarlett smiled back, noting that Rhett looked kind and there was nothing to be hesitant about.

But when Rhett climbed into the bed beside her, Scarlett's heart began to race and she leaned back quickly into the pillows in an awkward effort to look relaxed and calm. Rhett looked curious and Scarlett hoped he would spare her any teasing remarks. He kissed her once and began to undo the ribbons on her wrap and when he had unlaced her, revealing a generous portion of her flawless white skin, he laid his head on her chest and looked up quizzically. "Surely this can't be so new and exciting that your heart still goes as fast as a rabbit's, Mrs. Butler?"

"No it..it isn't that!" protested Scarlett, in instant frustration. She breathed hard trying not to meet Rhett's mocking grin with a curt reply. "I mean it is..feels.."

"Exciting?"

"Yes."

"Then?"

Scarlett blushed so hard that even Rhett looked in surprise. "What is it?" he asked.

Scarlett stared hard at Rhett, opening her mouth to speak and then closing it shut.

"What is it? You know I like frankness in a woman-"

"It's very hard." replied Scarlett. "Especially when you have known all your life that what you ask.. what you need.. won't get met- You think I enjoy asking for things in a round-about way. If people were more kind and friendly, I would ask directly without any hesitance."

"All right. Look at me." said Rhett, quietly. "Right now I am the kindest man you have met in your life. Now, tell me what you want.. without any hesitation or coquetry-"

"Allright!"

"Well?"

"I want to know-"

"Yes?"

"Well, by now a wife must know how to please her husband-"

Rhett looked puzzled for a moment and then his eyebrows rose in understanding. "Oh, but I thought my love-making was so contemptible and coarse?"

"Well, if you are going to be mean-"

"No..no.. I am quite flattered actually. So, you do like my kissing?"

"Oh. Yes, of course I do-"

"Ah! So, I am a good lover?"

"Yes, of course you are-" replied Scarlett, growing annoyed. "Why else-"

"Yes?"

"Never mind! So, will you let me pick your brains a little?"

"Be my guest, Scarlett." replied Rhett, lying down beside her and lifting her onto his chest. "It feels heartening to know that you want to reciprocate some feelings.. however coarse they may be-"

"Allright then-" cut in Scarlett, eagerly. "Now, how does this feel?" She pressed her lips to his and then drew back in embarrassment at her awkwardness.

"Why did you stop?"

"I'm not very good at it. Not as good as you anyway-"

"Would it help if I said that I adored it because it was you who was kissing me even if you were a little stiff?"

"Oh Rhett, what a sweet thing to say!"

"Allright now, no more reassurances. I can't do that and stay in the moment. Just keep doing whatever you think feels fine. Whatever you liked about the way I made love to you or anything else-"

"But how will I know that I'm pleasing you?"

"You won't. Not with every passing minute anyway. But overtime, believe me, you will learn.. Take your mind off me, Scarlett. Now, you want to do something, better get to it!"

"Allright" replied Scarlett, touched by the gentleness in Rhett's tone. And she began to kiss him again.


	57. Chapter 57

**Chapter 57**

The next morning Rhett was surprised to find himself alone in the room. He drowsily threw on his robe and walked to the window and saw Scarlett standing in the driveway and overseeing Pork who was polishing the leather, brass and wood on his horse carriage. When he called to her, she gave a bright wave and started up the stairs.

"My horse and carriage being shined and readied, my suitcases packed and my clothes ironed-" greeted Rhett with a laugh. "And my little woman running all over the house shouting orders-"

"I know you want to leave to tend to your business and I didn't want to delay you" replied Scarlett, with a smile that made her green eyes endearing. She was just then admiring herself for sounding entirely natural and composed.

"That's very thoughtful of you." replied Rhett,encircling her about the waist and drawing her to him. "But I'd like to take my time if you don't mind." He leaned in to kiss her when he saw that her eyes were swollen and red. "Have you been crying?"

"No. I haven't" answered Scarlett, pushing Rhett back with her hands and turning away.

"What is the matter? Tell me why you are crying?" asked Rhett, refusing to let go of her hand.

"It's nothing. Well, if you must know. I woke up this morning and found you lying next to me with your head against my shoulder and I felt so happy and yet sad that you were leaving. Yes, I know you have work to do. But I remember years ago when Ashley came for his furlough from the war and Melanie got to spend one night with him and the next morning she didn't come out of her room to see Ashley off. And I thought it was a wonderful opportunity for me- Well, what I want to say is, I never really knew what Melanie was feeling until now-"

"Scarlett-"

"I feel weak and I'll miss you terribly-"

"Honey, a war is drastically different from what I am involved in-"

"I know. I know.. But- you don't really know much about me, Rhett. All you have seen is the side of me that appears strong and haughty. You have never known how many times I've envied Melly- for her quiet contentment, the blush and tenderness in her face or the excitement with which she read Ashley's boring letters- But now that I am in love, I feel all those things. I honestly wouldn't mind if you wrote a letter describing the parts of your ship- I would still find it interesting because you wrote it." Scarlett's voice began to shake and she leaned her head on Rhett's chest. "I feel all these things and it's funny how it feels so painful.. I can read your letters, if you ever remember to write them- only once in two weeks and it will drive me crazy to be away from you. " Scarlett drew back and wiped a small tear. "So, I got up from bed and got to work, getting your things ready so that you can go immediatly-"

"Aaah, darling" said Rhett, kissing her hair. He wrapped his arms around her. "You don't have to be so brave. I will miss you too, especially now when you have said all these lovely things. It surprises me how much romantic and sentimental you are too. I think I'm lucky. But you are going about this the wrong way. I don't want to fly off abruptly and have you crying tears for me. I thought I'd have breakfast and we could sit together and talk about what you and I would be doing for the next five months. I want you to have some money too. I thought we'd discuss everything and then I could leave. Wouldn't that put your mind at ease?"

"Oh yes, it would! I'd like that very much!"

"I would too."


End file.
